Personal problems; can I help?

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#1
Having spent a lot of valuable (to my employer, if not me) time perusing the pages of this site, it occurs that a number of you are in sore need of a personal and confidential help line, something like the beloved Dear Diedre, or Ask Abby. he sort of pages we all read in womens magazines.

I offer my very many years of experience in romantic, sexual, medical and general counselling to you. All queries will be dealt with is the strictest confidence, and only me and my specially trained monkey - sorry- staff will see your query. Oh, and the other ARRSE members.
So, please feel free to ask advice on any subject, and for the ARRSE maidens, the more intimate and sexual nature of your query the better.
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#3
Should I fake my orgasms?
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#4
#5

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#6
#7
Dear OFAH,

i'm currently in a bit of a quandry... and hope you can help. i've recently started seeing a young girl from the local council estate and my family (all very well bred) are giving me a hard time about his. They say that i'm bringing shame on the family by hanging around with this girl. I really don't know why they are being like this, although she wears tracksuit bottoms and has them tucked into her socks, and won't be seen dead without her kappa trainers on, i think she is the one for me! We have a great time together, and the sex is great, she does anything and pleads with me not to wear a condom (she insists that this is for my pleasure and has no plans to get pregnant)! She is a very inteligent girl and is studying hair and beauty at college, so she obviously has a very bright future ahead of her, but how can i make my pompous family see this???

please help

sincerly

Banshee09
 
#8
old_fat_and_hairy said:
Having spent a lot of valuable (to my employer, if not me) time perusing the pages of this site, it occurs that a number of you are in sore need of a personal and confidential help line, something like the beloved Dear Diedre, or Ask Abby. he sort of pages we all read in womens magazines.

I offer my very many years of experience in romantic, sexual, medical and general counselling to you. All queries will be dealt with is the strictest confidence, and only me and my specially trained monkey - sorry- staff will see your query. Oh, and the other ARRSE members.
So, please feel free to ask advice on any subject, and for the ARRSE maidens, the more intimate and sexual nature of your query the better.
OFH do u by any chance know anything about S&M? My latest love says he's into it big time ... Me being a born again virgin I wouldn't know where to begin! what I want to know is, does it involve pain? B/F was talking about sticking an orange up my rear end, I said "hold on a minute love ... thats always been a no go area! .. "bit like a mine field and still like the virgin Mary there" .. so he said he'd start off by shoving a clemantine up there, just to break me in like! still sounds very painful ... Any suggestions
 
#10
#12
Uncle Hairy I am in a pickle, your Mum wants me to give her one but I think she is a munter how can I let her down gently so that if I do get that drunk and change my mind she will let me
 
#13
Dear OFAH

I keep falling into time/space vortexes after drinking in the mess, and lose large portions of the day. I often wake up in a swamped bed many hours later with no recollection of getting there.

How can i avoid this, and is it because aliens are experimenting on me?

Lumpy
 
#14
Dear OFAH,

I need your help on what could be a very crucial decision.The usual signs. When the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls alot recently and when I ask their names she always just says "Just some friends from work,you dont know them". I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the driveway. Anyway, I have never approached this subject with my wife. I think deep down I just want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to park my BMW R1150 GS motor cycle next to the garage and hide behind it so that i could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike that I noticed that the valve covers of my engine seem to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#15
Banshee_09 said:
Dear OFAH,

i'm currently in a bit of a quandry... and hope you can help. i've recently started seeing a young girl from the local council estate and my family (all very well bred) are giving me a hard time about his. They say that i'm bringing shame on the family by hanging around with this girl. I really don't know why they are being like this, although she wears tracksuit bottoms and has them tucked into her socks, and won't be seen dead without her kappa trainers on, i think she is the one for me! We have a great time together, and the sex is great, she does anything and pleads with me not to wear a condom (she insists that this is for my pleasure and has no plans to get pregnant)! She is a very inteligent girl and is studying hair and beauty at college, so she obviously has a very bright future ahead of her, but how can i make my pompous family see this???

Tell them that as they have Windsor, Balmoral and Buck house, they should give you some space, and the credence to know you are doing well.
Then, get a silenced .22 from the cupboard, shoot them all and balme your loony sister.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#16
justjane07 said:
old_fat_and_hairy said:
Having spent a lot of valuable (to my employer, if not me) time perusing the pages of this site, it occurs that a number of you are in sore need of a personal and confidential help line, something like the beloved Dear Diedre, or Ask Abby. he sort of pages we all read in womens magazines.

I offer my very many years of experience in romantic, sexual, medical and general counselling to you. All queries will be dealt with is the strictest confidence, and only me and my specially trained monkey - sorry- staff will see your query. Oh, and the other ARRSE members.
So, please feel free to ask advice on any subject, and for the ARRSE maidens, the more intimate and sexual nature of your query the better.
OFH do u by any chance know anything about S&M? My latest love says he's into it big time ... Me being a born again virgin I wouldn't know where to begin! what I want to know is, does it involve pain? B/F was talking about sticking an orange up my rear end, I said "hold on a minute love ... thats always been a no go area! .. "bit like a mine field and still like the virgin Mary there" .. so he said he'd start off by shoving a clemantine up there, just to break me in like! still sounds very painful ... Any suggestions
Certainly. Come and visit me in my private clinic and I will personally demonstrate what should be done, and with which.
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#17
Dear OFAH,

I have a problem of unrequited love!

I met this bird a while back who lives at my neighbours' place. She is lovely, beautiful and has a pretty big breast too, although her legs are a tad knobbly.

However, I am smitten! I see her every morning from my living room as she goes about her business, completely oblivious to me watching her with hungry eyes.

I am afraid that if I make an attempt to get her for myself, I might get caught, or worse, arrested for theft!

What should I do?
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#18
taffridge said:
Uncle Hairy I am in a pickle, your Mum wants me to give her one but I think she is a munter how can I let her down gently so that if I do get that drunk and change my mind she will let me
I'm not too sure how you can reconstitute ashes, but if you can, then go ahead. Of course, she would be about 104 by now, and may need a little lubrication.
I suggest a cocktail of white wine, cheap whisky and paraffin, that should put you in the mood to pleasure her.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#19
Lumpy. Send £300 in a plain envelope to me, and I will send by return my patent anti-alien hat. A very fetching silver colour.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#20
Renski. Best thing to do is buy a Royal Enfield. Never a problem with one of those. And tell your wife it will be the usual time tomorrow.
 

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