Perfect Swearing

#1
I'm in London for the next week or so. Am getting quite familiar with the place now after going back and forth for a year or so and it never ceases to amaze me.

Wrapped up what I was doing today early and went for a well deserved wet in a pub in Paddington and to have a look at the score.

On leaving I fell in step behind 2 Indian kids, evidently Brother and Sister (or a pair of married fucking circus dwarves dependant on which particular school of perviness you subscribe to...)

The lad was frantically rooting round in his school bag whilst being dragged along and said simply;

- 'I can't find it!' (I had not a clue what he was looking for and still don't)

To which the little girl simply said;

- 'it's in your fucking bag you fucking fucker' in that 50/50 Anglo-Indian accent common with most KFC staff.

It stopped me in my tracks, I wanted to gently kiss her, carry her to her intended destination then back away genuflecting repeatedly as i fawned over her.

It was awesome, a simple coupling of words to make the recipient feel like deep fried cat shit.

Another time I was collared on the galley roof early hours and fucking about with a mate (I think in fairness we should be given credit for inventing the pissed version of Parkour) A regi MT bloke was on watch and ordered us down off the roof, I was a complete and utter prick, full of ale, very young and offering out a meat headed Falklands Veteran who's only interest to be honest was in our safety and it's connotations in relation to him as duty bod. He really was a nice bloke.

He declined my offer of a scrap, probably afraid he'd catch my severe acne :) anyway, he fucked us off to bed, wrote it up and on Monday we were severely riffted. My CSM advised me to apologise personally as the outlook didn't look too rosy for me if the bloke came across me in town. So I shot up to MT and was pointed towards his office with a knowing nod, I sensed I was going to get a dig. Anyhoo I mumbled and bumbled my way through an apology to the massive lump and he remained impassive, he then uttered a phrase that has remained with me.

- 'get fucked you fucking nipple, if I see you out your fucking dead'..delivered impassively and with the slightest of glances up from his paper.

Cue me being a veritable ninja on Union Street, always one step ahead of the moustachioed and psychotic cunt who I eventually found out was winding me up and had no intention of cracking me.


Have you been blown over with an epic use of naughty words?!
 
#2
No comment.

Sweary Mary aged a lot.

At no stage have I asked kids if they want a "fucking slap".
 

jarrod248

LE
Gallery Guru
#3
I was walking the dog a few days ago and some kids about 7-9yr old were having a bit of an argument, one of them spews out of his angelic face ' Shurrup yer fat mess' Not heard someone say that for years, huge belly laugh from me.
 
#4
"Watch where you're going, you fucking blind gonad" cracked me up when heard back in '89 and I still have a tendency to use the phrase when it's called for.
 
#5
I'm polite nowadays.

A simple 1000 yd stare and a "Don't. just dont." works.
 
#6
As a young spotty kid (14ish) in the ACF on Crag Bank ranges with a SMG, the instructor came over and told me I was "fucking about like a nun round a navvies cock" I have used that phrase so many times since that day
 

ACAB

On ROPS
On ROPs
#8
I was walking back to my accom and there were 3 Afghan Nationals in front of me, one of whom was on a crutch, and having obvious difficulty walking with bloody thing as he was some way behind his colleagues. The three of them were gabbling away in Pashto and I was trying to manouvre around the cripple without getting run over. Seeing this his mate turns around and shouts, in perfect cockney "For fuck's sake Mustaffa, what the fuck are you like, sort your fucking self out and let that geezer past!" I was fucking gobsmacked. Turns out they were all expat terps.
 
#9
I've used many times "Hurry up, some of us have fucking registers to sign!" however not so great on a school parents night.
 
#10
I wish I loved you all.

But you are all cunts.
 
#11
In my phase 2 training, while on guard duty, I saw a guy on ROPs outside the guardroom getting a bollocking off a WOII over the state of his shirt.

"There's more creases in that shirt than there is in my wife's fanny!" he shouted.

How that lad managed to keep a straight face, I will never know.
 

skid2

LE
Book Reviewer
#14
School run. In a hurry. Volvo stood on nose, 'You stupid blind bastard'
'Who tried to kill us now daddy'?
'That dopey fucker in the Be em'
'The white car'?
'Yes'





Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit
 

ACAB

On ROPS
On ROPs
#15
School run. In a hurry. Volvo stood on nose, 'You stupid blind bastard'
'Who tried to kill us now daddy'?
'That dopey fucker in the Be em'
'The white car'?
'Yes'





Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit


Did he then proceed to ask you if you were 'Emmerson Fitipaldi' perchance?
 
#16
I was walking past the cinema in Maputo (Mozambique, you cunts) a few years ago when a torrent of kids with black shiny faces tumbled out of the door. The film was one of those Hollywood intellectual films where everyone gets killed and Glock 17's and other handguns fire 5000 rounds on full auto without pausing.

Anyhoo one of the kids - he can't have been more than 7 years old and with hair like a brillo pad - barged into me. He stooped dead and looking up at me with startlingly bright eye whites staring our of an almost black face, uttered the immortal words taken straight from the film he had just seen: "Don' fucken move, muthafukka".

It just creased me up and I laughed all the way to the London bar (near the British embassy).

The other one was our (aged and Portuguese) Cessna twin pilot, the white haired Joau Cantel. He hated Africans with a passion. If there was an African goat herder trespassing on Joau's grass air strip when he came into land at Metuchira, he would chase the poor bugger off the strip with the Cessna. I have a vivid image of the goat herder, whose normal locomotion was conducted at tectonic plate speed, accelerating to warp speed to get off the runway, with one of the Cessna's props inches behind him and Joau shouting "Muddafukka, muddafukka, muddafukka over the radio like a demented Messerschmitt 109 in a dogfight with Biggles.
 
B

Boozy

Guest
#17
This will only ring a bell with people who've seen The Estate (Northern Irish version of The Scheme) but it would probably have to be local Ned Kelly Ann who, on being interviewed about her new waitressing job and what she would do if a customer complained about their food, just came out in the broadest accent ever with "Ah'd be like... FUCKIN ATE IT YE BASTARD YE!"

It was just so random and out of the blue it had me in fits of laughter. There's bound to be a youtube clip of her saying it somewhere but I can't find it atm.
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#18
On parade ground. One of our blokes muttered something to another bloke.
Followed by "PRIVATE ......... THE NEXT TIME YOU OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH MY FUCKING COCK WILL BE IN IT!"

Shakespeare has nothing on the Australian army.
 
#19
Sarajevo 1996, two scruffy 8-10ish year old street urchins begging for "Bonbons". When I tried to tell them I didn't have any one of them flipped me the bird and said in almost perfect English "Tight fisted knob jockey".
 
#20
In my phase 2 training, while on guard duty, I saw a guy on ROPs outside the guardroom getting a bollocking off a WOII over the state of his shirt.

"There's more creases in that shirt than there is in my wife's fanny!" he shouted.

How that lad managed to keep a straight face, I will never know.
Especially when he was thinking, "I know."
 

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