what is it with the human body?? i was awoken this morning by what i can only describe as a volcano erupting in my bowels , it felt like someone had jumped on my guts , and i folded up like a penknife. i managed to fly into the kharzi , and just about managed to plonk myself down and what i can only describe as hell on earth was unleashed. the initial rush was like someone pulling a string of christmas tree lights out of my ringpiece , you know , the spikey ones that are shaped like icicles , and whats worse is it felt like they'd left the plug on the end this was followed by a rush of air that had been trapped , and even though i forced myself down hard on the seat i knew in frank spencer parlance that there was going to be "a bit of trouble" and i was right. after a few more lurches , farts , bubbles , squeaks , groans , and sighs i inspected the damage , it wasn't pretty. the kharzi was coated from the underside of the seat down , in clods of turd that my backblast had flung alles uber , but worse was to come. the cistern , and my lower back looked like i'd just ridden home on my mountain bike over some particularly "sh-itty" terrain , i may as well have sh-it the bed and rolled in it , for the fine misty debris had liberally coated the exposed underside i'd forced down hard to prevent "leakage" so my arrse cheeks and spam castanets were covered .... nice way to wake up. one quick shower , and mass degunging of the trumping pot later i was ready to remount my w-anking chariot , but the rest of the night was spent in a fitfull doze , scared of a repeat performance. whilst writing this i've just popped to the tea machine for a brew , and whilst trying to sneak one out in the workshop i've literally just popped a malteser into my undercrackers , which after another clean up have been designated a bio hazard and i've put them in a sealed box with the other hazardous waste on site. it's going to be a long , scared to fart , pantless day.