Passport Application

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by cbgramc, May 16, 2008.

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  1. Had to share this

    Subject: Passport Application


    Dear Minister:
    I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

    How is it that Bert Smith of TV Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

    How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

    How come the TV detector van can tell if my TV is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my license or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
    Do you people do this by hand?

    You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

    I apologize Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary ass on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

    Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
    Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

    I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defense in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
    who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN....

    Yours sincerely,
    An Irate British Citizen.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  2. How many more times
     
  3. Well I havent seen it before

    quite amusing
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. oldbaldy

    oldbaldy LE Moderator Good Egg (charities)
    1. Battlefield Tours

    You must live in a vacuum :D
     
  5. I do I do :D :D
     
  6. After reading this I have decided to boycott Starbucks!
     
  7. This is apparently a real passport application letter!! Apologies if it's been seen before :O)

    Dear Minister,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

    How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

    How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

    How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

    Do you people do this by hand?

    You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

    I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture.

    Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

    Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!!

    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on thegoddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

    Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

    I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London . I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

    Yours sincerely,

    An Irate British Citizen.
     
  8. Excellent many know how that feels, had a signature required letter arrive today, post came through the letter box, bell goes I answer open the door, hello mr cock says postie I need your sig on this, but I need proof that you live here, so I picked up letter that he put thropugh door and showed it to him, he smiled said thanks and I signed. Must be my honest face
     
  9. Did you miss this on your way in?

    and this.
     
  10. Am I supposed to read what other people write too? Oops...
     
  11. How hard would it be to become Irish? Remember Milligan's rant when he was f*cked about because he was born in India when his dad was in the army? He ended up phoning the Irish embassy, and claims this is the conversation -

    Milligan - "Spike Milligan here. Can I be Irish?"

    Official - "Ach sure, we're awful short of folk".

    Think of the advantages - you can do absolutely everything a Brit can do and you become an oppressed member of a minority.
     
  12. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Very good, not seen that before. Has anyone heard the poem about a squaddie at christmas? :roll:
     
  13. Inspiring!

    We should all write more snotty letters about all the crap we have to put up with.

    Odo
     
  14. And here is The Colonial version:

    ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER [perhaps]

    This letter is a thing of beauty (even if the language is a bit rough).. You definitely feel the guy's pain! An actual letter to the passport office...

    Dear Sirs,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

    For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.


    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!


    I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address.

    What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal asses working there!

    Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

    And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!


    Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

    Signed - An Irate Citizen.

    P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang..........However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

    Sincerely,

    You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who I Am.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Some people need punching very hard.