Part one orders: Volunteers

#1
During a conversation with Convoy_Cock this morning, we discussed how extremist organisations accross the globe manage to recruit suicide bombers who will gladly exchange their lives in the name of whatever they believe in.

We then mentioned how it might occur should the British Army request volunteers for one way missions. Can you imagine a request for volunteers appearing on Part one orders:

Duties
Orderly Officer: Capt Partridge
Orderly Sgt: S/Sgt otterman
GD Cmd: Cpl Rushworth
GD 2i/c: L/cpl butterbot
QRF: Ptes SMith, Gregson, Stepson, Tucker, Jenkins & Barlymow

Duty Driver: Pte nob
Duty Clk: L/Cpl spack

Duty suicide bombers: TBC

Duty suicide bombers are to report to Gaurdroom (next to the unloadbay) with highly bulled bomb vests, a stick man will be given to the best turned out and he won't have to die for the cause.


.........................................................................

Would it be done on a volunteer basis, would you push the sprog who is diffy the most kit? Would the guy who's blown his wages on millionaires weekend step up? Would the rest of the blokes dick them (Like the 5000mtres on athletics day) in their absence? Would it be the pad who walked into find his Mrs straddling the duty driver? Would it be the bloke who is 3 days into 28days SUS?

How would we recruit them? What would make you volunteer?
 
#2
Would a sick chit exempt you?
 
#3
Peter Cook: I want you to lay down your life, Perkins. We need a futile gesture at this stage. It will raise the whole tone of the war. Get up in a crate, Perkins, pop over to Bremen, take a shufti, don't come back. Goodbye, Perkins. God, I wish I was going too.
Jonathan Miller: Goodbye, sir – or is it – au revoir?
Peter Cook: No, Perkins.
"Aftermyth of War"
 
#5
a certain soldier springs to mind as a candidate but trusting that quark brained missing link with a bomb vest no fucking way.
as with most squaddies you'd nominate for suicide bombing off the top of your head the idea of handing them a live suicide vest fills you with terror.
unless your senior enough so that you can nominate enough useless mouths that you can retire to a safe distance to watch the resulting fireworks :twisted:
 
#6
What would make me volunteer is the Scottish Fcuking, "Parliament."

I know this ain't Current Affairs, but this is their latest wheeze (Clicky)

Remember, while you roll on the floor fcuking laughing, that you got the Smoking Ban too.
 

stet

War Hero
#7
OnTheBus said:
We could recruit a 'Forlorn Hope' from those in the cells to carry out suicide missions. If they survived they could be given a full pardon!!!
surviving a breech into a fort full of frog musket men is one thing but strapping a vest full of TNT and going bang????
 
#9
I detect a slight flaw here,
presuming the MoD are tendering out for the cheapest thus most useless/crappiest vest then the matter of self detonation may be a bit hit and miss. I cant see them shelling out for the Mk II al-Qaeda special or the more proven Hammass unisex freesize l. Knowing our luck it'll be the whoflundung chineese fire cracker and fried rice Tee shirt.

WW
 
#10
wheelchairwarrier said:
Knowing our luck it'll be the whoflundung chineese fire cracker and fried rice Tee shirt.

WW
With an explosion powerful enough to kill the wearer and thus fulfill its purpose as a suicide vest but not strong to inflict injury on anyone around it.
 
#11
wheelchairwarrier said:
I detect a slight flaw here,
presuming the MoD are tendering out for the cheapest thus most useless/crappiest vest then the matter of self detonation may be a bit hit and miss. I cant see them shelling out for the Mk II al-Qaeda special or the more proven Hammass unisex freesize l. Knowing our luck it'll be the whoflundung chineese fire cracker and fried rice Tee shirt.

WW
Or bought from BAe after a 15 development and £112,000,000 spent, and it still won't work
 

Trans-sane

LE
Book Reviewer
#12
You sick bastards. I nearly swamped myself and my bed reading this I was laughing so hard.

Thinking back I know EXACTLY the sort of guy you mean when you say that is all they are fit for but HOLY CHRIST HE'S GOT A BOMB.

Guy on my TA recruit cadre. I gave him the nickname Pte Midas cos everything he touched without exception turned to sh1t. The guy could make a kevlar helmet look slept in creased. The nickname stuck so well that when the Coy. OC came to meet the recruits he said "You must be Pte Midas then."
 
#13
Might be able to sell it to some of the more dim bulbs if it was dressed up as a " Dirty Dozen " adventure/lark, thus holding out the possibilty of coming through ' unscathed' as it were ala Charlie Bronson and Lee Marvin, and a phony cameraman went part way to ' capture the exploits' for the folks back home.

Might take a page from the jihad notebook and send out a lad on a ' beer run' then remote detonate when he realizes they forgot to give him any cash to pay for the bottles.
 
#14
It would be interesting to see if regiments were true to character in their selection of vestmen...Guards would put forward their regimental criminals, Gunners keen young Lance Bombardiers and Cavalry the officer who was so thick, the other officers noticed...
 
#15
It wouldn't matter if you got dicked for it....

Some skint jock orphan with a penchant for booze and casual violence, with more tattoos and days behind the guard than brain cells would do it...

"fae fifty quid, and you do my next one big man?".......sold.
 
#16
Can you claim your accommodation charges back , or expenses from the day you blow yourself up - or do "Pay as You Die" rules apply ??
 
#17
You'd probably get the bill for your kit deducted from any final settlement to your family as it was willfull destruction of HM Property.

Also I don't think you'd be getting the promised 72 virgins, more like 4 greasy slappers in ronhills , 8O as much buckfast as you can drink and a never ending donner kebab :p
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#19
But you would only be able to draw it if you have completed the COSHH declaration.
 
#20
Hicks said:
wheelchairwarrier said:
Knowing our luck it'll be the whoflundung chineese fire cracker and fried rice Tee shirt.

WW
With an explosion powerful enough to kill the wearer and thus fulfill its purpose as a suicide vest but not strong to inflict injury on anyone around it.
And the MoD would loudly and proudly proclaim that 100% of the design objectives had been achieved! :roll:
 
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