I've found myself in possession of a child. And no, i didn't find steal or buy it - it's the product of my cheesemaker. Before you say it, no you didn't fuck my missus and it is mine, i witnessed it drop from the kipper's clopper, the exact same location i deposited about a teaspoon full of guy goo 9 months ago. And besides, he's got the same shape ears as me, poor fucker - he's going to get bullied. Now, at 5 weeks old, he's not doing much - eating shitting and sleeping - so i'm concerned he's turning into a late developer. I've read some books and they're full of shit so my last hope is in these hallowed pages. It occurred to me that you lot have been spilling your beans in various trollops all over the globe spawning the next generation of Bill Oddies so must have some idea of parenting. Still, it's with heavy heart that i turn to you fucking degenerates to provide Homer Simpson type nuggets of advice. Go on then cunts, what should i be doing to ensure the sound development of my own 2 foot terrorist?