Parenting Skills

#1
I've found myself in possession of a child. And no, i didn't find steal or buy it - it's the product of my cheesemaker. Before you say it, no you didn't fuck my missus and it is mine, i witnessed it drop from the kipper's clopper, the exact same location i deposited about a teaspoon full of guy goo 9 months ago. And besides, he's got the same shape ears as me, poor fucker - he's going to get bullied.

Now, at 5 weeks old, he's not doing much - eating shitting and sleeping - so i'm concerned he's turning into a late developer. I've read some books and they're full of shit so my last hope is in these hallowed pages. It occurred to me that you lot have been spilling your beans in various trollops all over the globe spawning the next generation of Bill Oddies so must have some idea of parenting.

Still, it's with heavy heart that i turn to you fucking degenerates to provide Homer Simpson type nuggets of advice.

Go on then cunts, what should i be doing to ensure the sound development of my own 2 foot terrorist?
 
#2
beat him/her/it on an hourly basis and never ever dish out hugs. This will ensure a well rounded individual will emerge from the cell im presuming it will be living in, in 18 years time.
 
#4
Tell him that if he hasn't passed his A Levels by the age of three, he's off to a school run by Catholic priests.

It's his arse - how much does he want to save it?
 
#5
You worked out to make it, you work out how to look after it. If someone gave you instructions on how to make it, get them to look after it.

Btw, DON'T hold it by its ears when giving it its bath. Its mother will go ballistic.
 
#6
Show it to the Jesuits and ask them how it will turn out if you give it to them,
 
#7
Show it to the Jesuits and ask them how it will turn out if you give it to them,
Well-educated but deeply, deeply disturbed would be the honest answer.

Of course, being of the religious bent an honest answer isn't likely. When was the last time you heard, "Yeah, those old blokes were probably full of it when they wrote it all down. Still, keeps us in a job"?
 
#8
It's nearly winter... It's never too early to learn arctic survival methods, rounded off with an overnighter in a snow hole.
 
#9
If it starts playing up, take it to Portugal and leave it there. Apart from not having any squealing brats, you will have the added bonus of making a fortune out of book and newspaper rights. You could even set up a charity and pretend to look for it but pay off your mortgage with the money instead. They do have their advantages, you know.
 
#11
Everytime it fucks up tell it that it's off to Barnardos, (even though the last one closed in the early 80's). I used it on mine for years, and that kept the little fuckers in check. Of course they are all having huge amounts of therapy now, but hey, anything for a (relatively) quiet life eh!!!
 
#14
I think it was mentioned before on aarse??
whilst bathing baby...if it screams and blisters badly do NOT dip your bare elbow into the water....its far to hot, put some cold in first.
 
#15
.
A small African child can run at 25 kph along side a 4x4. I found this out in Kenya and all for an empty sweet wrapper. The look of shear dissappointment on they tiny faces was classic. See if yours can do the same.
 
#17
One word. Agoge.
 
#19
If you are seriously considering entering an early application for the little fellow, for service within the hallowed ranks of HM Forces, may I suggest that your training regime starts early as well. To whit:

Ensure that loud rock music is constantly played around the cot area, this will invoke partial, if not profound, deafness in the special ears of which you speak so lovingly.

Lightly damage an eye with a pencil or somesuch, this will cause some sort of defect or at the very least a squint.

Remove a kidney with a spoon.

A good hard surprise slap on the back of the head, at unexpected moments, will not only sharpen up his reflexes, it'll make him somewhat mongly.

Under no circumstances let him anywhere near an alphabet.

Soft drug abuse at such an early age, will almost certainly lead to some sort of class A addiction in the future.

And most importantly, teach him the Dickensian art of pickpocketing and burglary via chimneys. This will result in a cast iron guarantee of a criminal offence charge in later years.

With these simple 'life's skills' education cleared away, all that is required is the passage of time.

At a suitable age, say 14, let him set up an ARSSE account and post a couple of questions in the joining up forum.

Jobs a goodun.
 
#20

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