Parade Ground Funnies

#1
As a sergeant I had the honour of being selected to represent my Corps at bullying and was posted to Training Regiments as an Adult Recruit Instructor. Now, great fun and games was had between myself and my corporals on the parade square. The deal was that you had to say the funniest thing and nobody was allowed to crack a smile. If you did you got the beers in.

Some tasters:

"If you don't get in step I'm going to bend the flag pole over, stick it up your ar*e and ping you back to where you came from".

"You need to get to the QM's and change your tw*t hat. In fact go via the med centre and change your tw*t head first".

"Did you spend all evening ironing all those creases into your trousers or have you got corrugated legs".

More anyone?
 
#2
I remember hearing, on an assault course, the following comment aimed at the squad mong who was attempting to get over the 12ft wall.

" Pte XXXXX what the fcuk are you doing, you are hanging there like a lump of Gorilla snot, get a fcuking move on"

Gave me the giggles.
 
#6
#7
57Chevy said:
Call that marching, you move like a clockwork spastic.
Sorry Sar'nt Major ... it's the only way I can make the Brufen in my pocket rattle in time to my step!
 
#8
I remember seeing a documentary years ago on the RM's YO Cse at CTC. The new blokes were all met at Lympstone Camp station by a CSgt who looked menacing, complete with issue tash.
All were suitably attired with the exception of one poor git who got off the train in a bomber jacket!
"What sort of jacket do you call that Mr Ainsworth" were the words of the CSgt much to the amusement of the other blokes! It was a sign of things to come - he was rubbish and I think got booted out for letting some of his blokes drive home while pissed.
 
#9
The legendary Grenadier Sgt-Major , BW was perambulating in front of the Bn , formed up for a Maj-Gen's Parade. Not often we were treated to such a performance, and some of us took it all in out of the corners of our eyes. Up marches CSM BW, to the REME Lads, " DON'T BLOODY WELL LOOK AT ME! l I DONT TELL YOU HOW TO USE YOUR FCUKING SPANNERS."
 
#10
I remember a parade from the early 90s with the Sarnt Maj giving us all a lecture about the fact that there was no more WRAC and they'd all now joined the corps, blah, treat them with respect, etc. Would've worked if he hadn't finished off with:

I'll have no sexism in this man's army

Really glad I was at the back, failing miserably to stifle the giggles. Thing was he had no clue what he had said.
 
#12
When I was at 4 Armd Wksps in Detmold, on the weekly RSM's parade he uinformed the Fwd Coy RD Sgt that our turn out was good - but required more attention to detail. Hard not to fall over laughing when the ex Para Regt twot was stood there with his jumper on back to front - priceless.

Nobby
 
#13
Had a WRAC Sgt on a course who told us "We are W.R.A.C not racks - a rack is something that gets screwed to the wall" - After a loud cheer from the squad she went red and disappeared!
 
#14
Jacob said:
I bet the long lonely winter nights just wizz by when you lot get together!
If you can't be funny just be gone!

Pling said:
Had a WRAC Sgt on a course who told us "We are W.R.A.C not racks - a rack is something that gets screwed to the wall" - After a loud cheer from the squad she went red and disappeared!
We had a young female troop commander who was a vegetarian. On the ranges one day she opened her packed lunch to find ham sandwiches. So up she jumped and shouted to the lads; 'Who wants my meat?'

Within seconds they were in a queue with grins on their faces.

'Ma'am, a word in your ear if I may!'
 
#15
Get your effing legs by your side when you march past me - the look of utter confusion on recruits faces when they got hot marched to the guardroom :D
 
#16
Pling said:
Had a WRAC Sgt on a course who told us "We are W.R.A.C not racks - a rack is something that gets screwed to the wall" - After a loud cheer from the squad she went red and disappeared!
LMAO!!! :D Talk about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time... poor gal... betcha she still turns red when the story is repeated.
 
#17
57Chevy said:
Call that marching, you move like a clockwork spastic.
To which I can add:

'Mr Bambi Sir - you march like a pregnant elephant f*cking itself with its own septic trunk'

Courtesy of CSgt AC, Grenadier Guards. Good man, but scarred me for life ..........
 
#18
Heh... little gross but appropriate. Had a troopie who could fart on command so decided to let him ease the tension during a in ranks inspection by the CO. Well... he cut loose when the captain was checking his uniform and boy was it a loud and thunderous announcement. Our good company commander was quite surprised and shocked but he drove on... at a much faster pace. One the affair was over, the soldier asked to break ranks and return to his barracks room... apparently he needed to change as his effort was not without side effects. :D
 
#19
Had a lad in my Pl in depot that could turn both feet backwards. On our morning inspection, said bloke is stood in the front rank awaiting the arrival of the Pl Sgt so we all persuaded him to do it.
The look on the Pl Sgts face when he gets to him and goes to inspect his boots and they're both pointing backwards!!!
 
#20
Once got a bollo*king off a Captain who told me he was going to "Stick his arse up my boot" when he realised what he had said he got somewhat embarressed, I was trying so hard not to laugh I think I burst a few blood vessels.
 

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