Painful Bombloads/Ringsplitters

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Hitlerwasabitnaughty, Mar 5, 2005.

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  1. Just had to to pay a visit to Messrs Twyfords and Co. to drop a bombload.

    However this particular bomb run was excruciatingly painful. I had gotten hung up with a XXXXXXL Elvis sized version of Barnes Wallis' finest. To call it ring splitting would be an understatement!!!!

    It was THAT sore I left teethmarks on the ceramic floortiles. Apparently I was grunting that much the dog started barking and whining alternately.

    I had to borrow MDN's pile cushion to take the pressure off whilst sitting down.

    Anyone else out there with similar experiences?
  2. A couple of days ago I had an incident involving poo made of knobbly pig-iron. The pieces were short, but the going was still tough. I was even debating as to whether it warranted a 'forward assist' to pull the damn things out.

    Once finished, the resulting feeling was deeply unsatisfying, due to the fact that my ringpiece had just been friction-reamed by unlubricated poo pellets.

    My guts seem capable of producing nothing but fizzy spatters for a week, and then some poo made completely of depleted uranium - with no change in diet!

    Strangely, even the DU poo manages to float 8O
  3. I had one not that long ago, took at least 7 seperate squeezes to eject the thing in one go, and to add insult to injury it was of the cactus variety, pointed edges and so. So as it is flowing out it's taking the lining of your small intestines and ringpiece clumped to it's bits of schrapnel. Come out with sweat on my brow. Didn't see the beast as it sank into the U-bend if I did I would have photo'd it for it to go on
  4. It's an interesting conundrum. Normally speaking, my turds glide out smoothly every morning, leaving relatively little residue and allowing my arrse to snap shut cleanly, ready for the tender ministrations of three or four sheets of comfy bum, a quick flush and away.

    However, for some reason, as soon as I get on exercise or ops, my turds assume the consistency of cement and the stickiness of araldite, requiring much painful, eye-watering, digging around in order to winkle out the last Klingons. This is not necessarily the result of a compo only diet either: it happens when I'm on fresh as well.

    So what the fück is all that about then? I think we should be told.
  5. Maybe it's just psychosomatic CP?

  6. I felt I had to search t'internet to assist fellow members.
    Poo report

    As it happens, Lady Flash produces some of the largest bowl mutations I have ever seen. On one occasion, visiting the small room after Lady Flash, I witnessed a lemon curd that must have had its own grid ref. It actually suspended itself front to rear above the water level without touching the water. I'm pretty sure the thing was looking at me too. It reminded me of a David Attenborough programme where he was in deepest Amazon territory and he had come across a village in the swamp lands. The locals had captured and killed an Anaconda that had eaten a goat whole. Spitting image of it bar the 24 sheets of Andrex lying around it (the fragrant log that is). I wanted to mount it on the Drawing Room wall but for some reason Lady Flash suggested it may not be a great idea as the Bishop of Bath and Wells was coming round for Dinner that evening.
  7. With the other specimens? :lol:
  8. Feckin hell KN, it looks like a scene from Alien!!!! I was half expecting to see it run across the floor and disappear down towards the cargo deck!!
    (Nice work though :wink: )
  9. I gave him a 7. Good volume but poor form. :D
  10. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    That's not a Richard 111, ........that is freshly skinned roadkill.

    It looks like an M1 fox corpse.
  11. There was a guy on exercise with 45 RA in the early 80's decided he to try to avoid a shovel recce for as long as possible. After a week or more the calling became to strong and he disappeared around the front of the gun. For us at the rear the horrific screaming that followed will haunt us for the remainder of our lives. Expecting mutiple limb amputations we raced to his aid to find him waddling up the range with an extra brown leg hanging from his arse. Claret everywhere. The funny thing was that he repeatedly bent over in vain attempt to grasp the log to snap it off...everytime he bent over he split himself a little bit more. I reacted to his destress immediately in time honoured fashion by p1ssing myself laughing whilst his stripey successfully removed the offending item with a well aimed kick. I swear, his arsse shut with a very loud bang....(well maybe not, but works well for those who think in pictures).
  12. Give me a painful but residue-free ring stretcher over a smooth but adhesive type any day.
    Saves money on bogroll as well.