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Paddy's Missus



Paddy says to his wife "I've got a terrible burning sensation up my arse, can't think what it is"

His missus says "Ring Sting?"

Paddy replies "How the hell would he know?"


Paddy and his missus are lying in bed one night and next door's dog is out in the garden barking its arrse off.

"Right" says Paddy, "I'm going to sort that fecking noise out once and for all"

Off he goes downstairs, and comes back a few minutes later.

"What did you do?" asks his wife

"I reached over those basterds fence, picked the fecking dog up and put him in our garden. Lets see how the feckers like it now!!"
paddy and mick are in the boozer having a pint of the black stuff.
mick says to paddy " you should shut your curtains when you shag your missus, the whole street could see her getting shagged last night"

paddy replies "dont talk rubbish i was out all night playing snooker last night"

paddy stood outside the bookies as a turf lorry goes past, says to mick " when i win the euro lottery im going to send my grass away to get cut, like that posh twat"

sorry!! hat, coat TAXIIIIIII..
Paddy was out of work and drinking heavily, almost to the point of being a raging alcoholic.

He routinely pissed any money he managed to beg, borrow or steal up the wall before battering his wife and kids.

Sorry, this isn't a joke but the life of an average Irishman.

Alchie cunts.
[TABLE="width: 100%"]
[TD]Paddy was sitting on a bus when a young blonde started breast feeding her baby. "Come on, eat it all up or I'm going to give it to that man over there," she said.

Ten minutes later she again tried to feed the baby. "Come on.....or mummy is going to give it to that man over there," she said. Paddy just carried on reading his newspaper.

Another ten minutes goes by and the blonde picks the baby up again. "Oh for fuck's sake," says Paddy, "make your fucking mind up - I was supposed to have got off three stops ago."​
Paddy's 18th birthday

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and
nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him "
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya
fookin idiot!"
Paddy is on a 747 to New York when the captain walks down the cabin and announces
"Ladies and Gentlemen I am pleased to say that we have just made the fastest ever trans atlantic crossing"
Paddy " Is that a record sir?"
Captain - "No that was me speaking"

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