Owning a Piece.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Juan_Ramirez_III, Dec 3, 2010.

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  1. Chez Ramirez is very important to me, it represents a lot of hard work and sits nicely betwix the edge of a local market town and the city of Manchester.

    A downside to being neighbourless and tucked away behind three ranks of deciduous goliaths is the ever so slight knowledge that with one hop over the iron gate and with some enterprising screwdriver work on the doors a sticky fingered cunt could spend all day emptying my house of all it's gear.

    Wierdly though the first morning of snow brought a new angle to this, at half five, far prior to the milk delivery a single track of footprints greeted me as I let the dogs out, unless someone was distinctly confused, had tragic news to deliver or fancied a chat with Wilmslows most handsome man then I'm sure it was a dirty theif casing my joint.

    In light of this im considering purchasing some steel, a piece, a fucking hand held equaliser. A discreet collection of edged weapons and a pussers issue pair of ammo boots are in place to deliver the good news to any potential insurgent but I'm certain a well greased and sex drenched firearm would complete my Branch Davidianesque compound.

    I know the odd nigger and am on first name terms with a couple of genuine chocolate faces so arming my White ass is no problem but the question is which one ? In the absence of a folding stock AKM I'm spoilt for choice ?

    How have you armed your Castillo ? And what would you like to stalk from room to room with in pursuit of a naughty burglar ?
  2. Machete down the side of the armchair, along with a Fairburn Sykes
    1907 Pattern bayonet under the bed.
    Assorted finest Global kitchen knives (in the kitchen, naturally)

    And it serves you right for living in Wilmslow.
  3. It's like Beirut, the thump thump of early morning grouse shooting chills the soul.
  4. You have grouse (other than the Famous kind) in Wilmslow?
    I used to live in the middle of a grouse moor and it didn't look like Wilmslow.....
  5. The only time I had burglars a 9 iron did the trick. As an alternative you could try an 8 iron or a sand wedge.
  6. Cobra self cocking crossbow ........ that way you don't wake the neighbours and have them looking out the window as your loading a burglar wrapped in a rug into your boot.
  7. Spanish_Dave

    Spanish_Dave LE Good Egg (charities)

    I just send the frau to the door, one look at her and they call the police
  8. Trans-sane

    Trans-sane LE Book Reviewer

    Can't offer any advice on the shooter but can suggest Lindow common would be a good place to hide the body. Some bronze age bloke managed to stash the scrote that tried to rip off his gaff for around 1900 years. So not only will you evade the forces of justice you will be laying in a treasure trove for archaeologists of the future.
  9. Im sure you can shoot grouse, someone is certainly snotting something every Sunday morning.

    Some good ideas, I'm leaning towards getting a bona fide shotgun licence and having a couple of barrels primed with rock salt and holy water.
  10. Nail on the head I think, if the little black cunts can escort a lump like me from the Sportsman to the Riverside safely whilst skilfully dodging and fending off fellow beggars and Volkswagen Beetle taxis they can stag on the front lawn.

    'Joe Karaoke', 'Ken Barlow' and 'Aids Carrier' made for a formidable team.
  11. Have the word spread around the localle that 'Ol man Ramirez was let off for War Crimes by the Hauge on a technicality and spends his evenings cleaning his collection of 7.62x39 calibre armoury (whilst swigging moonshine in the nude is an extra bit of panache).:)
  12. Wouldn't work, I look like a slightly insane Justin Bieber, if I rumble a burglar the chances are they will bug out in fear of my Mum and Dad responding to my shrieks of alarm.
  13. Serial male rapist with a penchant for rufty tufty burglar types then if you look a bit 'H' from steps?
  14. I had a prowler down my back entry recently...fnar....and strangely enough, the sight of me, hanging out of the window (and my arse) at stupid o'clock in the morning, face smeared in the remnants of the evenings jollity, hair on end, flaccid wrinkly tits hanging to my knees, looking like Helena Bonham-Carters scary very much older sister, hollering in my Irish navvy's gritty voice "YOU'D BETTER HAVE A FUCKING GOOD REASON FOR FIDDLING WITH MY BACK DOORS AT 3AM PAL" had the poor man running for his life down the street!!
  15. Now you`ve started, don`t stop, don`t stop.