Owning a Piece.

#1
Chez Ramirez is very important to me, it represents a lot of hard work and sits nicely betwix the edge of a local market town and the city of Manchester.

A downside to being neighbourless and tucked away behind three ranks of deciduous goliaths is the ever so slight knowledge that with one hop over the iron gate and with some enterprising screwdriver work on the doors a sticky fingered cunt could spend all day emptying my house of all it's gear.

Wierdly though the first morning of snow brought a new angle to this, at half five, far prior to the milk delivery a single track of footprints greeted me as I let the dogs out, unless someone was distinctly confused, had tragic news to deliver or fancied a chat with Wilmslows most handsome man then I'm sure it was a dirty theif casing my joint.

In light of this im considering purchasing some steel, a piece, a fucking hand held equaliser. A discreet collection of edged weapons and a pussers issue pair of ammo boots are in place to deliver the good news to any potential insurgent but I'm certain a well greased and sex drenched firearm would complete my Branch Davidianesque compound.

I know the odd nigger and am on first name terms with a couple of genuine chocolate faces so arming my White ass is no problem but the question is which one ? In the absence of a folding stock AKM I'm spoilt for choice ?

How have you armed your Castillo ? And what would you like to stalk from room to room with in pursuit of a naughty burglar ?
 
#2
Machete down the side of the armchair, along with a Fairburn Sykes
1907 Pattern bayonet under the bed.
Assorted finest Global kitchen knives (in the kitchen, naturally)

And it serves you right for living in Wilmslow.
 
#3
Machete down the side of the armchair, along with a Fairburn Sykes
1907 Pattern bayonet under the bed.
Assorted finest Global kitchen knives (in the kitchen, naturally)

And it serves you right for living in Wilmslow.
It's like Beirut, the thump thump of early morning grouse shooting chills the soul.
 
#5
The only time I had burglars a 9 iron did the trick. As an alternative you could try an 8 iron or a sand wedge.
 
#6
Cobra self cocking crossbow ........ that way you don't wake the neighbours and have them looking out the window as your loading a burglar wrapped in a rug into your boot.
 

Trans-sane

LE
Book Reviewer
#8
Can't offer any advice on the shooter but can suggest Lindow common would be a good place to hide the body. Some bronze age bloke managed to stash the scrote that tried to rip off his gaff for around 1900 years. So not only will you evade the forces of justice you will be laying in a treasure trove for archaeologists of the future.
 
#9
Im sure you can shoot grouse, someone is certainly snotting something every Sunday morning.

Some good ideas, I'm leaning towards getting a bona fide shotgun licence and having a couple of barrels primed with rock salt and holy water.
 
#10
Have you considered hiring some 8 year old Kenyan street urchins armed with pangas?

100 Shillings a night and you could get them to lick you clean for an extra 50 Bob.
Nail on the head I think, if the little black cunts can escort a lump like me from the Sportsman to the Riverside safely whilst skilfully dodging and fending off fellow beggars and Volkswagen Beetle taxis they can stag on the front lawn.

'Joe Karaoke', 'Ken Barlow' and 'Aids Carrier' made for a formidable team.
 
#11
Have the word spread around the localle that 'Ol man Ramirez was let off for War Crimes by the Hauge on a technicality and spends his evenings cleaning his collection of 7.62x39 calibre armoury (whilst swigging moonshine in the nude is an extra bit of panache).:)
 
#12
Have the word spread around the localle that 'Ol man Ramirez was let off for War Crimes by the Hauge on a technicality and spends his evenings cleaning his collection of 7.62x39 calibre armoury (whilst swigging moonshine in the nude is an extra bit of panache).:)
Wouldn't work, I look like a slightly insane Justin Bieber, if I rumble a burglar the chances are they will bug out in fear of my Mum and Dad responding to my shrieks of alarm.
 
#13
Wouldn't work, I look like a slightly insane Justin Bieber, if I rumble a burglar the chances are they will bug out in fear of my Mum and Dad responding to my shrieks of alarm.
Serial male rapist with a penchant for rufty tufty burglar types then if you look a bit 'H' from steps?
 
#14
I had a prowler down my back entry recently...fnar....and strangely enough, the sight of me, hanging out of the window (and my arse) at stupid o'clock in the morning, face smeared in the remnants of the evenings jollity, hair on end, flaccid wrinkly tits hanging to my knees, looking like Helena Bonham-Carters scary very much older sister, hollering in my Irish navvy's gritty voice "YOU'D BETTER HAVE A FUCKING GOOD REASON FOR FIDDLING WITH MY BACK DOORS AT 3AM PAL" had the poor man running for his life down the street!!
 
T

trowel

Guest
#15
I had a prowler down my back entry recently...fnar....and strangely enough, the sight of me, hanging out of the window (and my arse) at stupid o'clock in the morning, face smeared in the remnants of the evenings jollity, hair on end, flaccid wrinkly tits hanging to my knees, looking like Helena Bonham-Carters scary very much older sister, hollering in my Irish navvy's gritty voice "YOU'D BETTER HAVE A FUCKING GOOD REASON FOR FIDDLING WITH MY BACK DOORS AT 3AM PAL" had the poor man running for his life down the street!!
Now you`ve started, don`t stop, don`t stop.
 
#16
I've got a deactivated Chinese AK-47 that I purchased years ago with the idea of getting it mounted up in my mans room. I would army myself with that with the intent of scaring the bejessus out of intruders, me in my underpants and socks jumping two stairs at a time shouting ancient drunken warcries should do the trick.
 
#17
Nothing says to the thief whilst they're staring down the barrel "I'm going to busta cap in yo' ass, with the style and street panache of a big time Compton gang banger" than a gold plated Mac-10.

Brap Brap :).
 

maguire

LE
Book Reviewer
#18
I had a prowler down my back entry recently...fnar....and strangely enough, the sight of me, hanging out of the window (and my arse) at stupid o'clock in the morning, face smeared in the remnants of the evenings jollity, hair on end, flaccid wrinkly tits hanging to my knees, looking like Helena Bonham-Carters scary very much older sister, hollering in my Irish navvy's gritty voice "YOU'D BETTER HAVE A FUCKING GOOD REASON FOR FIDDLING WITH MY BACK DOORS AT 3AM PAL" had the poor man running for his life down the street!!
...and I'm spent.
 
#19
I've got a deactivated M1911 at the bottom of the wardrobe that my brother gave me. Fuck knows where he got it from.

I have found myself hoping someone would break in so I can burst from the bedroom stark bollock naked with it in hand doing the bit at the end of scarface. "you wanna play, ok. Say hello to my little friend."

Hopefully they won't think I'm on about my knob.
 

New Posts

Latest Threads

Top