Outdoor ablutions

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Little_Lion_Man, Dec 22, 2010.

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  1. Our toilet is blocked (frozen wastepipe), so I'm having to crap in the woods. Not pleasant as I'd be sandwiched between the house and the A96. I'm not too well practiced at it, so any tips for taking a dump in a sub-zero, deep snow forest environment?
     
  2. Light your fag before opening the newspaper.
     
  3. Shit into a plastic bag, wipe arse, put wipe in bag beside shite. Chuck bag (sealed) into bergan, carry around for next 4 or 5 days. Jobby jobbed, no need for thanks.
     
  4. Take a heavy dose of laxative until your pipes are sorted. Cut the arse out of an old pair of jeans, then wearing no underpants or shorts, but a suitable length coat, nip into the woods, flick the coat up over your head and blast a tree each day. Just remember not to lean against one of them comes spring.
     
  5. You apparently live in Suffolk, the A96 runs from Aberdeen to Inverness. Bet you're gutted to be on holiday in Scotland this winter eh?

    Have you tried a bucket of hottish water down the toilet just before you use it, see what that does? Or finding somewhere with a working toilet (this being the 21st century, I'm reliably informed that there are now in excess of 20 flushing toilets in Scotland. Isn't that amazing? :wink: )
     
  6. Ensure hood is fully pulled to front and that your missus hasn't sneaked around behind you with a shovel ...

    Cue: "I know i took a dump; felt it go, smelled it but there was nothing in the hole!"
     
  7. Dig a BIG hole in the ground lean over side and afterwards use 1 piece of toilet fold and tear bit off use finger to wipe and use torn bit to clean finger
     
  8. Bunny toilet drills I see.
     

  9. of course :santa:
     
  10. Christmas with my daddy. Yeah, we've tried hot water, the plunger, and the nearest neighbours are miles away. It's dreadfully awful to try and shit knee deep in snow.
     
  11. I'm your fucking daddy now.
     
  12. Wouldn't surprise me little lady. :wink:
     
  13. Should be easy, you don't have to squat.
     
  14. Chuckle :). Shoulders moving up and down and the missus asking "whit ye laffin at"?
     
  15. Have you tried lighting a fuel fire inside your toilet bowl? (Remember to leave the seat up)

    The only advice I can give is; any cunt can rough it. Grab an old disused deckchair and cut a huge hole in it, use wherever you like. Job jobbed (pun intended).