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OP Banner/NI Jokes

#1
:wink: We're having a combined mess do with an OP Banner theme and I've been tasked with doing a speech covering from 1988 to decommissioning.

I've done all the history part OK but does anyone know any suitable jokes etc that i can use to liven the thing up a bit.

Cheers in advance
 
#2
Can't vouch for the quality but here goes. (1) PIRA volunteer ended up in hospital after injuring himself trying to blow up an off-duty policemans car. Serious burns to his mouth from the exhaust. (2) Several soldiers injured after their landrover hit a tree just outside Belfast. PIRA released a statement claiming they planted it.
 
#3
man bimbling down the street, past the City Hall in Belfast late at night. All of a sudden a man wearing a balacalva jumps out in front of him, trusts a sorn off shotgun at him and asks "what are ye? catholic or protestant"? Our hero smiles and says "Jewish". The mask gunman then smiles and says. "Well I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight"

Joke by Irish Doris

Stilts
 

Longlenny

War Hero
Book Reviewer
#4
Squaddie caught shagging Bernadette Devlin (Macalusky) by his R.S.M. "Charge this man with having an offensive person on his weapon"
 
#5
Paddy rings up the RUC,
" Here Mrs, I think there's a bomb in my sandwich!"
the police operator replies,
" Is it ticking?"
"No" he says, "It's egg and onion".
 
B

Brandt

Guest
#6
Right- pull up a sandbag- a true story.

About 1998, the RIRA/ CIRA pikeys decided they weren't going to stand for all this ceasfire nonsense. Somehow they managed to get hold of a Mk 15 mortar, put in in a Transit and parked it onto a bit of wasteground being used as a carpark near RUC Corry's Square, Newry. Unfortunately, when Terrorist A (who was a muppet) drove into the carpark, he hit another car. Civvy owner of said car pulls open the drivers door, while muppet is fiddling with dowel rods and parkway timers. Muppet (cunningly disguised as Bob the Builder) tells him to feck off. Owner doesn't like this so they start having a fight, which only finished with a fecking enormous bang, and a gas cylinder landing five feet in front of the transit and failing to detonate. Muppet choses his moment and runs off. Civvy however is still a bit p1ssed off and chases after him again, only to see him get into the getaway car- a yellow Fiat Cinquacento. Oh, and there were two more muppets in it, so one of them had to get out, put the seat forwards and let Muppet A get into the back. Civvy rings police on his mobile, and gives them the registration.
RUC check the reg- it is traced to an estate on the western edge of Newry. Presuming it is a ringer, they send a car there anyway. They arrive outside the house, and before they can get out of the car a yellow Fiat Cinquacento pulls up with three sweating muppets in it. "You're fecking NICKED me old china..."

Apparently the cunning Muppet plan was to borrow his mum's car, then take a diversion all around the Newry bypass... just long enough for the coppers to get home before them.

Gospel, I promise. I have many more...
 
#7
PIRA suicide bomber drives his car into Belfast Airport and detonated the device, there was sponge, jam and icing all over the place!!!
 
#9
Paddy and Mick sitting making letter bombs, Paddy says, "Mick, do you tink I've put enough explosive in this envelope?" "Sure I don't know" says Mick "open it and see". "But den it'll explode" says Paddy. "Don't be so feckin' stupid" says Mick "it's not addressed to you!"
 

the_boy_syrup

LE
Book Reviewer
#10
St Peter sitting at the Pearly gates
Man comes marching towards him Rangers top on Union flag whistling the Sash
Ah Say St Peter starts you can't come in here dressed like that
I don't want in I'm giving you taig bastards 30 minutes to get out.....
 
#11
A bunch of IRA types are hiding behind a wall waiting to ambush a patrol, unbeknownst to them a second army patrol was on the other side of the wall. On a given signal they threw bags of sand and cement over the wall. The IRA Council later admitted

"One of our ASUs were today mortared"
 
#12
Just remembered another (awful) one. Back in the days of security gates in the city centre a searcher asks a fella what is in the carrier bag. "A bum" he says. The searcher asks him, "you mean a bomb?" and the fella replies, "no, a bum" and takes out a great big hairy pair of cheeks. When asked where he got it, he replied, "the holesale"
 
#13
True Story

1993 RUC planned op, raid a UVF suspect weapons pickup, arrest 3 men just outside town of Tandragee. NO weapons found but 3 men from west Belfast detained. Whilst searching the car a mobile phone goes off RUC Constable answers:
"Where the fukc are you" demands voice in west Belfast accent.
Constable also from west Belfast: " we're just outside town , where the fukc are YOU"?
"We're in the garage at the top of the hill opposite tayto castle".
Bingo another 2 arrests and 3 weapons + ammo found

Ian Phoenix
 
#14
A couple of bricks are in a Pig rumbling along the road in Belfast, as they get to the top of a hill the pig starts spluttering:

"fcuking hell" says the driver "we've run out of fuel"

Luckily they stop a garage at the bottom of the hill and manage to coast down the hill and into the garage forecourt stopping at one of the pumps.

A pump attendant appears and walks over to them

The driver says "Fill her up mate"

The pump attendant says (In a thick Belfast accent) "THIS IS AN I>R>A GARAGE"

The driver says "Well just blow the tyres up then!"

Boom boom
:D
 
#15
A blast today covered central London in glue.

Police reports suggest the IRA have set off their first NoMoreNails bomb.



Well it made me smile ... I'll get my coat
 
#16
Was told about the local man who tried to rob tools from a (ahem) works van whilst it was stopped at the traffic lights in Antrim.
However all that was in the back was 8 blokes in green kit going to Aldergrove ranges so all were armed (no ammo but he wasnt to know)
Man just pales looks as if to say oh well fair cop when the driver who doesnt know his back doors are open drives away from the traffic lights.
CMV promptly changed and the man was never seen again.
 
B

Boozy

Guest
#18
(2) Several soldiers injured after their landrover hit a tree just outside Belfast. PIRA released a statement claiming they planted it.
I was always told that the other way around so you could insert special branch... "2 IRA men died the other day when their car hit a tree...republican sources claim Special Branch planted it."
 
#19
Some time in the very early 70s a nationalist street in Belfast organised a rent strike supported by SF etc. They were unhappy about the rioting, the army response (tear gas and rubber bullets going through peoples windows etc) and Belfast City council in general.

In those days, electricity gas and water was part of the rent and rates and the City councils first move was to cut off utilities several week into the strike, eviction not being a very viable option unless they planned on setting the whole community alight!

So one day the guys from the water, leccy and gas board rock up ready to disconnect the whole street and gave the residents a final warning: Pay up your rent arrears or we cut you off. A bit of a Mexican stand off ensues...

So Seamus the local ASU man decides he has a solution to this problem. He pulls on his balaclava and gets his .38 Webley and goes off to rob the bookies on the corner for a large amount of cash. He then gives the money to the SF Councillor, who then goes all the way down and all the way back up the street giving out the cash to the residents in equal amounts so as they can pay the rent.

He then tells the rent collector from city hall, that the residents will now pay the rent arrears. So the rent collector goes all the way down the street and all the way up again collecting the rent, signing the rent books, putting his little stamp in them, so it's all official.

As this begins the RUC and Army in attendance decide this protest is over and depart, leaving them to it.

Big mistake.

The rent man, now pleased with himself and holding the folding makes his way back to his car at the end of the road, and suddenly up pops the aforementioned Seamus in balaclava, Webley in hand, and relieves of him of the cash. He later returns the same cash back to the bookies on the corner he originally stole it from!

The ex IG Sgt that related this gem to me said he thought it was 'pure ******* genius' and that he expected, quite correctly as it turned out, that the Army would be there a very long time.
 
#20
Assault and battery... literally. What a 'tool':

Former IRA militant deported to Ireland

August 21, 2009

Former IRA militant deported to Ireland Pol Brennan was convicted of transporting firearms and explosives for the Irish Republican Army

HARLINGEN, Texas - U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) deported a former Irish Republican Army (IRA) militant and convicted criminal to Ireland on Friday.

Pol Brennan, 56, was deported following a series of criminal convictions in the United Kingdom and the United States. Brennan's case received full review and consideration by the immigration court system. On order of the Immigration Judge and the Board of Immigration Appeals, Brennan was detained during the entirety of his removal proceedings. He was housed at the Port Isabel Detention Center in south Texas from January 2008 to Aug. 20, 2009, when he was flown to Norfolk, Va., on a U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) aircraft, before continuing on to Limerick, Ireland, the following day.

Brennan was convicted in Northern Ireland in 1977 for possessing a bomb, firearms and ammunition with intent to endanger life or property. He was arrested while transporting explosives and weapons for the IRA, and was sentenced to concurrent prison terms of 16 years and seven years. In 1983, he and 37 other prisoners escaped from Maze Prison in Lisburn, Northern Ireland.

Brennan entered the United States in 1984 using a fraudulent passport to obtain a visitor's visa, before illegally assuming the identity of a U.S. citizen infant who died in 1950. He used this birth certificate to fraudulently apply for a U.S. passport in 1993.

Brennan's illegal passport application triggered a criminal investigation which resulted in his indictment. Brennan ultimately pleaded guilty in 1995 to false statement and illegal possession of a firearm by a felon. The firearms charge occurred in 1990 when Brennan had applied for and illegally purchased a Colt .45-caliber semi-automatic pistol. In his firearm purchase application, Brennan fraudulently identified himself as a U.S. citizen and denied he was ever convicted of a felony or was a fugitive from justice. He was sentenced to seven months in prison and three years' probation.

The United Kingdom formally requested Brennan be extradited in 1996. However, based on the "Good Friday Accords," the request was dropped in 2000. In 2004, Brennan was charged in California State court with assault with a deadly weapon after he caused serious bodily injury by repeatedly striking a man with a cordless-drill battery. He pleaded guilty to a lesser charge of misdemeanor simple battery, and was sentenced to 30 days in jail, three years conditional probation, 500 hours of community service, a $1,500 fine, and was required to attend 26 anger-management sessions.

Brennan was arrested by CBP agents at a U.S. Border Patrol checkpoint in southern Texas on Jan. 27, 2008, when agents determined that Brennan had no valid immigration documents. During the routine database check, they discovered Brennan's extensive criminal history and he was placed into removal proceedings.

Brennan later filed for various immigration benefits. The federal immigration judge denied the requests based on Brennan's admissions and conviction of transporting explosives for the IRA and supporting an undesignated terrorist organization.

Former IRA militant deported to Ireland
 

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