OP Banner/NI Jokes

Discussion in 'Northern Ireland (Op BANNER)' started by Holdfast_RE, Feb 29, 2008.

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  1. :wink: We're having a combined mess do with an OP Banner theme and I've been tasked with doing a speech covering from 1988 to decommissioning.

    I've done all the history part OK but does anyone know any suitable jokes etc that i can use to liven the thing up a bit.

    Cheers in advance
  2. Can't vouch for the quality but here goes. (1) PIRA volunteer ended up in hospital after injuring himself trying to blow up an off-duty policemans car. Serious burns to his mouth from the exhaust. (2) Several soldiers injured after their landrover hit a tree just outside Belfast. PIRA released a statement claiming they planted it.
  3. man bimbling down the street, past the City Hall in Belfast late at night. All of a sudden a man wearing a balacalva jumps out in front of him, trusts a sorn off shotgun at him and asks "what are ye? catholic or protestant"? Our hero smiles and says "Jewish". The mask gunman then smiles and says. "Well I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight"

    Joke by Irish Doris

  4. Longlenny

    Longlenny War Hero Book Reviewer

    Squaddie caught shagging Bernadette Devlin (Macalusky) by his R.S.M. "Charge this man with having an offensive person on his weapon"
  5. Paddy rings up the RUC,
    " Here Mrs, I think there's a bomb in my sandwich!"
    the police operator replies,
    " Is it ticking?"
    "No" he says, "It's egg and onion".
  6. Right- pull up a sandbag- a true story.

    About 1998, the RIRA/ CIRA pikeys decided they weren't going to stand for all this ceasfire nonsense. Somehow they managed to get hold of a Mk 15 mortar, put in in a Transit and parked it onto a bit of wasteground being used as a carpark near RUC Corry's Square, Newry. Unfortunately, when Terrorist A (who was a muppet) drove into the carpark, he hit another car. Civvy owner of said car pulls open the drivers door, while muppet is fiddling with dowel rods and parkway timers. Muppet (cunningly disguised as Bob the Builder) tells him to feck off. Owner doesn't like this so they start having a fight, which only finished with a fecking enormous bang, and a gas cylinder landing five feet in front of the transit and failing to detonate. Muppet choses his moment and runs off. Civvy however is still a bit p1ssed off and chases after him again, only to see him get into the getaway car- a yellow Fiat Cinquacento. Oh, and there were two more muppets in it, so one of them had to get out, put the seat forwards and let Muppet A get into the back. Civvy rings police on his mobile, and gives them the registration.
    RUC check the reg- it is traced to an estate on the western edge of Newry. Presuming it is a ringer, they send a car there anyway. They arrive outside the house, and before they can get out of the car a yellow Fiat Cinquacento pulls up with three sweating muppets in it. "You're fecking NICKED me old china..."

    Apparently the cunning Muppet plan was to borrow his mum's car, then take a diversion all around the Newry bypass... just long enough for the coppers to get home before them.

    Gospel, I promise. I have many more...
    • Like Like x 3
  7. PIRA suicide bomber drives his car into Belfast Airport and detonated the device, there was sponge, jam and icing all over the place!!!
  8. British government disposes of Inf 3 Battalions then says it is undermanned.
  9. Paddy and Mick sitting making letter bombs, Paddy says, "Mick, do you tink I've put enough explosive in this envelope?" "Sure I don't know" says Mick "open it and see". "But den it'll explode" says Paddy. "Don't be so feckin' stupid" says Mick "it's not addressed to you!"
    • Like Like x 1
  10. the_boy_syrup

    the_boy_syrup LE Book Reviewer

    St Peter sitting at the Pearly gates
    Man comes marching towards him Rangers top on Union flag whistling the Sash
    Ah Say St Peter starts you can't come in here dressed like that
    I don't want in I'm giving you taig bastards 30 minutes to get out.....
  11. A bunch of IRA types are hiding behind a wall waiting to ambush a patrol, unbeknownst to them a second army patrol was on the other side of the wall. On a given signal they threw bags of sand and cement over the wall. The IRA Council later admitted

    "One of our ASUs were today mortared"
  12. Just remembered another (awful) one. Back in the days of security gates in the city centre a searcher asks a fella what is in the carrier bag. "A bum" he says. The searcher asks him, "you mean a bomb?" and the fella replies, "no, a bum" and takes out a great big hairy pair of cheeks. When asked where he got it, he replied, "the holesale"
  13. True Story

    1993 RUC planned op, raid a UVF suspect weapons pickup, arrest 3 men just outside town of Tandragee. NO weapons found but 3 men from west Belfast detained. Whilst searching the car a mobile phone goes off RUC Constable answers:
    "Where the fukc are you" demands voice in west Belfast accent.
    Constable also from west Belfast: " we're just outside town , where the fukc are YOU"?
    "We're in the garage at the top of the hill opposite tayto castle".
    Bingo another 2 arrests and 3 weapons + ammo found

    Ian Phoenix
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. A couple of bricks are in a Pig rumbling along the road in Belfast, as they get to the top of a hill the pig starts spluttering:

    "fcuking hell" says the driver "we've run out of fuel"

    Luckily they stop a garage at the bottom of the hill and manage to coast down the hill and into the garage forecourt stopping at one of the pumps.

    A pump attendant appears and walks over to them

    The driver says "Fill her up mate"

    The pump attendant says (In a thick Belfast accent) "THIS IS AN I>R>A GARAGE"

    The driver says "Well just blow the tyres up then!"

    Boom boom
  15. A blast today covered central London in glue.

    Police reports suggest the IRA have set off their first NoMoreNails bomb.

    Well it made me smile ... I'll get my coat