Ooooh Me Chalfonts...

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by spent_case, Jul 30, 2009.

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  1. My Farmer Giles have come out to play. I need some sound advice on easing the itch..

    This really is quite painful. :(
  2. A blowtorch :twisted:
  3. Try rubbing something on them. Gordon Brown’s face springs to mind. It won’t help you but it will help the rest of us.
  4. Wire brush and dettol
  5. Recommended treatment in my day was a telegraph pole wrapped in barbed wire.

    Failing that Anusol HC suppositories, work wonders but makes yer poo pale green for days...................
  6. Freeze them with a BCF fire extinguisher then snap them off..
  7. " Freeze them with a BCF fire extinguisher then snap them off.. "

    Ah but BCF (Sorry Halon 2011) is only authorised for use on aircraft engine fires these days.

    However inflamed yer Nurembergs are I don't think they count as that..........
  8. Oddly enough SC, rub deep heat on them. They will shrink and it doesn't hurt.
  9. Go see your doc, they will use a tiny implement to inspect them and it will not hurt or make you cry at all.
  10. Really? No kidding? Ahem...
  11. I've found that the best way to sort them is to eat any compo in large quantities, the resulting sh*te in about 5 days time bursts them all, hey presto! Ragged arse, but the relief when they have gone is incredible, then shove half a 500 gram box of alum up yer ricker to shrink the rest.....job done!
  12. Oh god, not pastels! They're all wrong for me!
  13. Having read the book, "Self surgery" might I suggest the following...

    You will need

    Bull nosed pliers x 1
    Snipe nosed pliers (clamping type) x 1
    Nail clippers large x 1
    Soldering iron x 1
    Large bucket x 1
    Strong bleach (or any acidic liquid)
    Clean towel x 1


    Pull offending grapes away from the body with the bull nosed pliers, then an inch or two up the attached stringy bit, attach the clamping pliers.
    Then snip offending grapes off with nail clippers, and quarterize open end with the soldering iron.
    Fill the bucket with strong bleach/acidic liquid, and sit in it for half an hour or, until you regain consciousness and then dry with clean towel.

    Hope this helps.
  14. Jumping from a high wall onto appropriately positioned broom handle or:

    Anusol crreeeemm... mmm... by appointment to The Throne Room. Never leave home without it...
  15. Well it won't hurt you to try...... :twisted: