ooooh .... i can feel a presence

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by shortfuse, Oct 12, 2005.

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  1. TV clairvoyants, spiritualists and ghost hunters ... what a bunch of f ucking charlatans, i cannot believe the (mainly female .. sorry ladies) audience fall for the bullsh1t these idiots come out with

    "ooh, i'm detecting the presence of a male called john ... does this ring a bell with anyone ... he says he's still dead ! "

    now clairvoyants arent a new phenomenon, they've been fleecing the grief stricken and gullible for years, but this new wave of them assaulting the "high numbered channels" on digital lead me to believe that there is indeed one born every f ucking minute... the only thing these people foresee in the future is a nice big fat pay cheque thank you very much.

    an ex of mine once dragged me along to a local spiritualist church, and i kid you not it's the nearest i've ever come to actually dying of laughter.

    the "guest speaker" was a man who claimed to contact the spirit world through his indian spirit guide, and would take questions from the foor once he'd contacted him, he then convulsed like he was chucking an eppy , and looked back up pulling a funny face (queue first knuckle in mouth)

    as he started to speak, it sounded like either he'd been carrying a mouse trap in his trouser pocket, and had an ND with it on his knackers, or had a crafty supply of helium on tap ...(queue second knuckle, and first snot bubble, coupled with "disapproving looks") he then started to "speak in tongues" and let out a great cry like an indian having a big poo with at least 3 "breather rings" in it , and started to stalk around like a silent movie baddie, i kid you not, by this point i was close to asphyxiation,

    " i come with news from across the dark waters ..." well that was it


    i had to leave the place, i really couldn't stop laughing i thiught i was going to p1ss my pants, as i got up to leave, a sea of hate filled , mainly blue rinsed female faces looked at me with pure loathing, but i had to get in my parting shot at matey...

    " oi mate... got any tips for the 3.30 at cheltenham tomorrow?"

    my ex never spoke to me for a week ... i asked her what happened after i'd gone, and she said

    "i'm not telling you ... you'll only laugh again ... you need to believe"

    she was right ... i f ucking fell about ... maybe she was blessed with "the gift" to !!

    for f ucks sakes what a pile of steaming turd.... you die ... you rot ... end of.

    but amongst this rabble one man stands out like a beacon of hope .. for he hasn't forgotten that he's there to entertain us with his campness, funny voices, and scaring the wee stained knickers off yvette fielding

    Ladies and Gentlemen i give you Derek Acorah .. star of living TV's "most haunted" ...

    now what a bobby dazzler this fella is, with his effeminate scouse accent and smoothed back grey hair gracing our screens like a latter day van helsing .. hunting down all manner of spooks and ghouls for our televisual entertainment.... i love it when he says things like

    "a boy ... i can feel a small boy"

    er ... ok mate, whatever !

    "ooh ... there's a lot of fear in this room .. i can smell it .. "

    no mate .. Yvettes sh1t her pants again.

    so ARRSERS .. what are your experiences with these people ... and keep it funny i aint interested one f ucking jot that you managed to find out where auntie Edna had hidden her will ... i want all the eyes rolling back in the head and funny voices nonsense.

    and the first bird to defend them gets a kicking :D
  2. Did you see the Derren Brown show when he basically proved it was all a cunch of c**p? He even managed to convince a group of people that he was a medium by telling them stuff about their dead loved ones.
  3. Have to watch Derek on occasion cos Mrs M is into Most haunted. Really grips my sh*t - strange noises in empty houses etc? Of course there is. Put someone alone in the dark in a run down hovel - they will be kacking themselves in quick time and imagining all sorts of ghouls and ghosties appearing.

    Can think of better Dereks to spend my time with than that git. Oh - and he doesn't do great things for the image of Liverpool neither.
  4. Have to tell you a scarey story when I was in NI in 1974 in Flax Street Mill, and this one night, as QRF, in runs the Int Offr, he says to my brick commander that he had a phone call from one of his 14 Int chums in an OP not far from us, in a deserted mill, he could hear a baby crying with a woman shouting at said baby, and it was coming from the top floor of the mill.

    Smelling a 'come on' we called Felix to check out da place, got the all clear, in we go, pitch dark to extent that the IWS only just worked, no light at all.
    As a fresh faced 18 year old and tail end charlie to the brick, my job was to stay at the bottom of the stairs with my oppo (we could hear the baby and woman from downstairs quite loud now) I was shiting myself at this stage, it didnt feel right, something was going to kick off.

    Up goes the others, I could only just make out my oppos shape in the darkness, next bloody thing was a bang on the roof above us, like a table or something had fallen on the floor, we both heard John (brick comd) shout out loud for someone to halt and him c ock his wpn, we both cocked our SLR's at this stage, it was about to kick off.

    Next thing we knew was the the remainder of the brick coming running down the stairs like lunatics, the last thing I heard before I was slipping in my own sh1t to get out of the place was John saying to me, no baby no woman. get out...NOW...christ it sh!t me up for days...gave that place a wide berth on foot patrol from then on.

    We told our tea stop lady about it she said, so matter of fact 'oh yes that would be the murdered girl with her baby they found during the war' they think she was a IRA tout and there have been many reports of hearing her over the me a shiver just thinking about it now...
  5. Why are they always Mediums? what about Larges or Small? eh?
  6. My Missus also addicted to Most Haunted (Living TV Tuesday night) and I've had to sit through countless episodes of dirty derek and his chums contacting the spirit world. I can honestly say that I have not seen one thing on this program that has even made me think something odd has happened let alone made me believe in spirits. Old house creak and groan and make funny noises all night long. I know, I used to work in a stately home after it was turned into a hotel on the night shift.
  7. my brother recently stayed in the station hotel in dudley, who charge £50.00 for guided "ghost tours" after featuring on said programme.

    as he was working nights shop fitting him and his mate were always asleep when the rooms were supposed to be made up, he said after a week of this there was definetley a nasty atmosphere in their room ...

    he said the only other scary thing about Dudley was it sounded like everyone who lived their had suffered a major brain injury effecting their speech .... spooky !!
  8. This is scary tale

    I was a P.F.C. on a search patrol, huntin' Charlie down
    It was in the jungle wars of '65
    My weapon jammed and I got stuck way out and all alone
    And I could hear the enemy movin' in close outside
    Just then I heard a twig snap and I grabbed my empty gun
    And I dug in scared while I counted down my fate
    And then a big Marine––a giant, with a pair of friendly eyes––
    Appeared there at my shoulder and said "Wait."

    When he came in close beside me, he said "Don't worry, son, I'm here––
    If Charlie wants to tangle now, he'll have two to dodge"
    I said, "Well, thanks a lot!" I told him my name and asked him his
    And he said "The boys just call me Camouflage"

    Woah-oh-oh-oh, Camouflage
    Things are never quite the way they seem
    Woah-oh-oh-oh, Camouflage
    I was awfully glad to see this big Marine

    Well, I was gonna ask him where he came from, when we heard the bullets fly
    Comin' through the brush, and all around our ears
    It was then I saw this big Marine light a fire in his eye
    And it was strange, but suddenly, I forgot my fears

    Well, we fought all night, side by side, we took our battle stance
    And I wondered how the bullets missed this man
    'Cause they seemed to go right through him––just as if he wasn't there
    And in the mornin' we both took a chance and ran
    And it was near the riverbank when the ambush came on top of us
    And I thought it was the end, and we were had
    Then a bullet with my name on it came buzzin' through a bush
    And that big Marine, he just swat it with his hand
    Just like it was a fly...

    Woah-oh-oh-oh, Camouflage
    Things are never quite the way they seem
    Woah-oh-oh-oh, Camouflage
    This was an awfully strange (big) Marine

    And I knew there was somethin' weird about him,
    'Cause when I turned around,
    He was pullin' a big palm tree up outta the ground
    And swattin' those Charlies with it from here to kingdom come

    When he led me outta danger I saw my camp and waved goodbye
    He just winked at me from the jungle and then was gone
    When I got back to my H.Q., I told 'em about my night
    And the battle I'd spent with a big Marine named Camouflage
    When I said his name, the soldier gulped, and a medic took my arm
    And led me to a green tent on the right
    He said "You may be tellin' true, boy, but this here is Camouflage
    And he's been right here since he passed away last night
    In fact, he's been here all week long...
    But before he went, he said Semper Fi, and said his only wish
    Was to save a young Marine caught in a barrage
    So here, take his dog tag, son, I know he'd want you to have it now"
    And we both said a prayer for a big Marine named Camouflage

    Chorus repeat

    So next time you're in a jungle fight, and you feel a presence near
    Or hear a voice that in your mind will lodge
    Just be thankful that you're not alone––you've got some company
    From a big Marine the boys call Camouflage
  9. Quite a few years ago, after being out drinking, a few pals decided to go "ghost hunting" it was to be the scariest thing I had ever done and I still get flashbacks now! There was this old church and graveyard (St Mary's at Becketts Island, if anyone knows it) - the church is not used anymore as it is an unsafe building so we knew we could hang out there. I drove the car in and we had been discussing the usual pranks to pull and just messing about. They all got out the car but I insisted on staying put, the worse thing I could have done! The only light was from a couple of street lamps and I was definitely sober! The next minute one of the guys jumped onto the bonnet of the car and screamed at me through the windscreen. Jesus Christ, I had had enough, started the engine, went forward then slammed on my brakes to which he slid off! Trouble is I never saw him get up off the floor. Seriously I am sitting there, even though I knew him I was waiting for the next prank because they all knew how reluctant I was to go. I locked the doors - I knew I should have just driven off and left them there but I didnt!

    What was to happen next is the most spookiest thing. I decided to be brave as it had been about ten mins since he fell off the bonnet. I wound down the window and shouted to my pals that I had had enough and wanted to go. I could hear them laughing. The next minute this arm appeared through the window and I just freaked and sat there bloody screaming! Well that was it, I got out of the car to punch his head in but he was nowhere to be seen. By this time my pals had heard me screaming and came over to the car, I told them what had happened and how we should just leave the tosser to make his own way home and they said he had called a taxi and gone home ages ago! Whether he did or whether he didnt, whoever it was, certainly put the fear of god into me! Would never go bloody ghost hunting again!

    To this day he swears he never pulled those pranks on me! Spooky! Whenever I drive past this place it sends shivers down my spine.
  10. About 8 years ago a mate of mine moved into a Tudor farm house. He said that it was haunted by a ghost who wandered around at night opening and closing doors and you could hear the footsteps. So I offered to stop in the house one night... Hey presto! about midnight you could hear "footsteps" across the floor up-stairs, and when they sounds got to a door it would open fully and then close. Then in the morning about 8 ish the same thing would happen again.

    The answer was easy. This guy had sh1t himself with ghost stories but had forgotten the fundamental point. He lived in a 15th Century timber framed building. When the atmosphere cools at night the timbers contract, in sequence away from the sides of the house, therefore the floor joists, expanded from the warmth of the day, were returning to their sockets, when the last one in that room closed, it would flick the door open, the frame being out of square, would return the door to the closed position.

    How simple is that? I'm not saying there is or there isn't supernatural stuff but there IS a lot of cr@p out there and our brains actually do most of the wind up work on their own!
  11. I’m related to two of these lunatics, both claim to be white witches :roll:

    The first, thankfully, is not a proper relation, just one of my cousins mother in law.
    She claims to have a 14th century Mongolian warrior as a sprit guide who talks to her, as a party trick she will go into a trance and draw a picture of him with her left hand :roll: :roll:
    She also claims to see auras and thinks she can heal people by hovering her hands over their aura.
    For a laugh I once let her try and heal my leg, I had pulled the muscles in it quite badly, strangely enough nothing happened. A week later my leg was back to normal and she tried to claim credit for healing me…
    I happen to know a bit about the occult and know that the traditional image of witches flying on broomsticks comes from them smearing hallucinogenic drugs on the end of broomsticks and masturbating with them, these drugs make the witch feel like she is flying. I asked this woman if this is something she does and she told me it was 8O

    The second oddball actually is one of my cousins.
    Again she claims she can heal people by waving her hands over them, and she actually makes a bit of money from this.
    Again I let her try it on me and nothing happened, apparently it was because I don’t believe :roll:
    My cousin takes this healing one stage further though, she claims that after the first healing session she can then heal people with her mind. She has clients phoning her up asking to be healed and she does it over the phone. She genuinely believes this is real and so do her clients… sad…
    She also claims to have long and deep conversations with one of my dead relatives via a wigi board. She thinks that this relatives sprit possess her when she’s using the board and enjoys smoking, drinking, and eating when in possession of her body as these are pleasures that sprits cant enjoy.
    I cant help but laugh at my cousin every time I see her now, luckily for her I try and keep my visits to once a year or less if I can help it :D
  12. 2 RGJ set up a dummy in one of the windows overlooking the houses. He was very faintly lit and 'moved' by strings attached. They had a sniper and guy with night sight on the edge of the roof. Assorted terrs would take pot shots at dummy and then be taken out by sniper and his mate. After a while of this, there were stories of 'ghosts' but never anything as positive as your story. 2 RGJ had a lot of black guys and opinion was that the 'ghosts' were designed to give them the shats.
  13. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    A friend of mine is a self employed sparks working on contracts of all sizes.

    He developed a working relationship with a mad hippy woman in Brighton who was forever calling him out for various bits of electrical work on her house.

    Whilst being arrse up in the air fixing something she would be forever carping on about crystal therapy, regression to previous lives, cranio-sacral therapy etc.

    Regularly on a night out he would update me about his latest encounter with the mad hippy woman.

    His final visit before he refused to play any more consisted of her starting to tell him all about the power of chanting and meditation to fix all the problems in your life. She then started chanting in the bathroom to show him the curative power.

    He interrupted her with “You had better be chanting hard for your shower unit, Love, ‘cos it’s fcuked!”
  14. I didn't believe in ghosts until one set of night duty in QEMH during the late 80's.
    I worked on the oncology ward (10) and we would obviously, sadly, get quite a number of deaths. Those very ill would be nursed in one of the side rooms as opposed to the "cabbage patch"( but that is another story).
    One night one of our long term patients passed away on the ward during the night. He had been bed bound for a number of days before he died.
    After the routine wait of an hour or so, the other nurse on shift and myself laid out his body and arranged for him to be taken down to the mortuary. All very straight forward, it was the middle of the night and most of the other patients were asleep.
    About 3 hours after our patient died, and, as I was cleaning his room out, the buzzer went from the room next door.
    The lady patient in there was also terminally ill and had been very anxious. I went in to see her expecting that she needed pain relief or something. What she said shocked me.
    " Can you please tell **** (next door) to stop coming in my room please. He is scaring me." I wasn't feeling too great myself it must be said at this point.
    Says I " Are you sure it was **** that was in here? When did he come in?".
    Maybe she was mistaken....I hoped...she couldn't have known he was dead, as it was the middle of the night and we always made sure we were very discreet, so as not to alarm the other patients.
    " He has been in 3 times in the last half hour, I know who it was as I have known him 6 years," she replies. " He just stands there by the door. Can you ask him to stop it please?"
    B****Y H**L.
    I can't tell you how freaked out I was. So was the other nurse on duty with me as she heard every word!

  15. the truly scary thing about this story is you admit drunk driving 8O