One that made me gag

VANDAMME

Old-Salt
Ive always had a thing about bogeys..dirty horrid sticky green bogeys..fukin yuk
Driving down the A13 one day, im the passenger in a 90 series, Phil the driver knew i hated the feking things and proceeded to knuckle his nose, he pulled out what looked like a geen army sock and wiped it on the window infront of me
Well that was it for me...the belly turned the throat went into overdrive and i splashed the window big time..phil, the cnut is roaring, drivers are overtaking looking at some bloke laughing his tits off and the other puking all over the place..great advert for her majesty's finest !!
 
Did anyone not spot the great Snips wah , lets get the thread going style, took ages to get rolling, funny as fork tho !
 
chalkboards, someone puts nails to chalkboard then im gagging.
 

DrGonzo1

War Hero
My best mucker was doing the deed on some scouse broad one new year while throwing up all over her curtains and back (coincidently down her crack?) on waking following morning she told him how much she loved it. Which made him barf even again. Same mucker threw up telling me about some rats bird he'd done the night before (apparently she was so ugly it made him queesy in the morning) few weeks back. He's a good egg
 

The Pattern

Swinger
Picture this Gibraltar 84..HQ Coy shindig...lots of free booze..(Well it was coming to the end of our 2 year tour there) there we were all suited and booted all the wives there in the posh frocks..Charlie Oscars there..Razzman..all the hangers on etc licking arses as they go...Bags of free grub my missus (Well Ex Missus now) was well trollied..anyway her being like well p****d up slings her bag on the table and sits down grabs a bottle of red wine and necks a good gobful..then slings the rest in a glass..a pint pot full of drain clearer red..she cracks her fags out and the contents of her clutch bag fall on the table..40 fags zippo lighter.(Classy Yorky Bird eh ) lippy...a fiver..bit of loose change and there it was a Tampax super..she always carried one she called it her spare bullet (codeword in case she blobbed early/Late)..any way her being well drunk she pulled the blobber out of it's wrapper dunked it in the red wine in the glass a super will absorb like lots..and lots....
Then stood on the table pretended to drag it out of her crutch shouted here ya go boys have this..and launched across the room..it hit the OCs missus straight in the gob..she'd seen it all happen pulled it off her face..and hurled for Great Britain...thinking it was a straight from the breach job..she hurled followed by every other woman on the table opposite them was a 6 inch deep pool of vomit at the side of her table....The Razzman wasn't impressed.."My office Monday 0830 Corporal" S was all he said... I was wetting meself so were all the rest on our table..The ex was peeing herself too...I got 6 extras off The Man for not controlling the wife.....Never seen as much puke in me life!!!
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
Picture this Gibraltar 84..HQ Coy shindig...lots of free booze..(Well it was coming to the end of our 2 year tour there) there we were all suited and booted all the wives there in the posh frocks..Charlie Oscars there..Razzman..all the hangers on etc licking arses as they go...Bags of free grub my missus (Well Ex Missus now) was well trollied..anyway her being like well p****d up slings her bag on the table and sits down grabs a bottle of red wine and necks a good gobful..then slings the rest in a glass..a pint pot full of drain clearer red..she cracks her fags out and the contents of her clutch bag fall on the table..40 fags zippo lighter.(Classy Yorky Bird eh ) lippy...a fiver..bit of loose change and there it was a Tampax super..she always carried one she called it her spare bullet (codeword in case she blobbed early/Late)..any way her being well drunk she pulled the blobber out of it's wrapper dunked it in the red wine in the glass a super will absorb like lots..and lots....
Then stood on the table pretended to drag it out of her crutch shouted here ya go boys have this..and launched across the room..it hit the OCs missus straight in the gob..she'd seen it all happen pulled it off her face..and hurled for Great Britain...thinking it was a straight from the breach job..she hurled followed by every other woman on the table opposite them was a 6 inch deep pool of vomit at the side of her table....The Razzman wasn't impressed.."My office Monday 0830 Corporal" S was all he said... I was wetting meself so were all the rest on our table..The ex was peeing herself too...I got 6 extras off The Man for not controlling the wife.....Never seen as much puke in me life!!!
Can you turn round in a corridor Pinocchio ?
 
Coming back from Inverness on camp last year, we endured an 18hour journey in convoy.
After a few hours, we pulled into a sort of picnic area that had a little shop. However, everything was closed and some of us were in desperate need of the toilet. Now it's ok for men just wanting a piss, because they just choose the nearest tree, but for those men wanting a sh1t, it was more difficult.
So, there we were, all standing around the trailer chatting and one of the blokes is crouched down among us, with a rather strained look on his face. Several seconds and tissue paper later - he stands up holding a dustbin lid aloft, with a big steaming turd on it! He had had a sh1t while we were all talking around him, then proceeded to share his creation with us all.
I was physically sick at this point.

The same man, in the bar one night, got another lad to barf in a glass, which he then drank! This caused not only me to be sick, but two other GROWN men! *;D *
You would never make a Sapper!
 

Grumblegrunt

LE
Book Reviewer
came of stag at wretham, back across the road to do sick parade the a day range cover, one of the company medics had decided to pinch my bed as I'd taken over the little 2 bed ward at the back so I only signed for one building.

walks in 'wake up you lazy bastard, what the fcuk are doing in my bed?', he rolls over and gives me a shit eating 'I pulled last night and had her in your bed' type of grin until I pointed out the 4 inch wide dark red stripe all over his face down his chest and the horror show that were my nice white sheets. the cook he'd shagged was on the blob but both were too pissed to notice.

que the beds further coverage of stomach dreggs as he realised the kebab he'd been eating was undercooked :)

oh how I enjoyed the rest of that week.
 
I've told this story a couple of times on here but here is is again.

I was a young Lcpl in Iserlohn and shared a bunk with the sqn signals lancejack. He didnt drink much but smoked capstan full strength and coughed a lot. Anyway, one Sunday morning after a night in the 2 Sqn bar, I was awoken by my bunkmate calling me. "Matt, Matt, I cant see. Help me I'm fucking blind".

I opened one eye and winced as daylight hit my brain. I looked towards his bunk and became aware of what looked like a multi coloured, textured scarf that stretched between our two bunks. It extended across his face. I realised it was puke and it had glued his eyes shut when it dried. I must have projectile vomited during the night. What a waste of curry wurst.

He moved out of the bunk and back into a 4 man room that day and never spoke to me again.

It still makes me giggle.
 

The Pattern

Swinger
I went on the Q Advance from Palace Barracks in 89 to take over from the Paras (The Super Soldiers) at Clive Barracks Ternhill..any way after briefing from QM..(he'd been my CSM a good few years before and also my MTO..ex ranker) I'm wandering round with said Para fullrank any way the first room we go into to check over in the block he opened the door and the combined stench of spew...unwashed bodies...and cheesy socks hit me in the olfactory glands..(thats the nose for the not so well informed) I said to the fella ya don't expect me to take these rooms from you do you..he said why..I said cos mate you lot may be the Army's so called best BUT there ain't no substitute for places being swept mopped and de-gunged..he stood there with a numb look on his fizzog I pissed off sharpish and went to see the QM and reported my findings..he said Cpl S you may have to lower your standards for this one mate..I said come with me Boss..any way we sloped over to the block..I opened the door..His face was a picture..he just made it to the bogs before his lunch came back..when he returned he said I see what you mean...Cue lots of Para boys scrubbing out the rooms in the blocks..mind you that weekend..Paddy PIRA paid us a visit and dropped the block to it's knees with a couple of well placed devices...(L/Cpl Allan Norris where ever you are a big thanks from me and the Advance party 1DWR..)..that bombing covered a multitude of sins and the QM 1DWR signed for Clive Bks as seen...
 

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