One Liners...

#1
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

* The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

* Paddy says, `Mick, I'm thinking of getting a Labrador.' `Really?' says Mick. `Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?'

* I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least, I presume she was poor. She only had £1.20 in her purse.

* My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

* Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

* The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

* A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

* I went to the cemetery yesterday to put some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , `These guys have lost the plot!'

* My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. `Blow this,' I thought. `I can get one cheaper off the web.'

* Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.

* I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

* I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

* I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, `That guy's heading for a breakdown.'

* I just met a fat, alcoholic transvestite. He wants to eat, drink and be Mary.
 
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