My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes. * The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. * Paddy says, `Mick, I'm thinking of getting a Labrador.' `Really?' says Mick. `Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?' * I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least, I presume she was poor. She only had £1.20 in her purse. * My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. * Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified. * The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. * A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. * I went to the cemetery yesterday to put some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , `These guys have lost the plot!' * My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. `Blow this,' I thought. `I can get one cheaper off the web.' * Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy. * I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. * I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. * I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, `That guy's heading for a breakdown.' * I just met a fat, alcoholic transvestite. He wants to eat, drink and be Mary.