One Liners


War Hero
In the hope if putting even more humour into this site, I propose a thread on one liners!   I have recently oversdosed on films such as Zulu, The Hill, Man who would be King and some of the Army one liners are excellent!  
Squaddie to ugly chick "excuse me love do you have a pen?"

Ugly chick "Yes why do you want my telephone number?"

Squaddie " No , get back in it then you F**king pig?"



"He has a photographic memory, pity he hasnt got any film"
To ugly woman walking dog.......

"Nice pig you've got there."

"It's not a pig, it's a dog!"

"I was talking to the dog!!"


Bloke:  Can I buy you a drink.

Bird:   I wouldn't take a drink off you if you paid me..

Bloke:   I am sorry, I think you miss heard me. I said you look fat in that dress you slag.
Wherever you go, there's always the pretty one dancing with the beefy minger, so walk up to the fat one and..........

"Excuse me love, do u fancy a drink?"

"OOOOOOerrrrrrr oh yes please"

"Great, fcuk off to the bar , so I can talk to your mate"

Success rating?  ;D Big fat ugly zippo
My favs...

Guy: I've got a condom with your name on it.
Girl: You must be mistaken. My name's not Durex Extra Small.

Guy: Kiss me and I'll tell you a secret.
Girl:I know your secret - I work at the clinic.

Guy:Bond. James Bond.
Girl: Off. P**s off.

Guy:I've come from another planet to seek out beautiful life forms.
Girl: Is that because your race is so ugly?

But top has to be one that actually happened to me a few years ago - a really good looking bloke came up to me at a nightclub bar and said 'Hi - would you like to dance' and gestured towards the dancefloor.  I said yes and went ahead to a spot in the middle where there was room, only to turn round and see him still standing back at the bar, laughing.  His explanation was that he had only asked if I wanted to dance and didn't say that he would dance too.  Cheek.  (It worked though.)
Try this:

Spot a girl with nice tits. Go up to her put your hands firmly in your pockets and say:

"I bet you a pound I can feel your tits without taking my hands out of my pockets"

Now fart around struggling for about 10 seconds and pulling funny faces then all of a sudden whip your hands out and grab a feel saying:

"f**k it, well worth a pound"

This will get you at least to buying her a drink stage ........ if she hasn't thrown one over you!
To flat chested girl (or any who have pi**ed you off)

"I know a joke that will make you laugh your tits off"

"Oh, sorry ..... you've heard it"


Bloke to girl - 'I'd love to get into your knickers'
Girl to bloke - 'I've already got one arrsehole in there why would I want two?'

Bloke to girl - 'come and sit on my face'
Girl to bloke - 'why, is your nose bigger than your c*ck?'

Why are men like car parking spaces?
All the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

I thank you. ;D


Wyn Gover are you sure about that? I eat men like you for breakfast you know!


Here's a couple of one liners to show you're not interested -

'That failed to register on my 'Give a fcuk-o-meter'

'I'm sorry, you're confusing me with someone who gives a fcuk'

pinch thumb and forefinger together and say 'I'm this interested'


I may not be the best looking guy in this place but I'm the only one talking to you.

I'm a bird watcher and looking for a big breasted bed thrasher, have you seen one?

Oh and I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

All are tried and tested, none work though!


how about just a simple
'hi, can I buy you a drink?'

never fails for me, unless it's a minger who's doing the asking.Flash

don't know what I just inserted at the end of that sentence then.


well I've just had a look and the 'insert flash' bit doesn't appear to do anything

and that's not a one liner!

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