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One liners for leaving speeches?

#1
Whilst daydreaming at my last Sqn O Group I didn't avoid the "finger of ping" quickly enough (that'll teach me to stare at the new clerk) and have now found myself in the somewhat dubious position of having to write a farewell speech for the outgoing OC.

Given that my already tattered career is dangling by a thread, does anyone know of any good lines I could pepper his speech with? I'm thinking things along the lines of ".......Maj X is always in late in the mornings but it's ok, he always makes up for it by leaving early...."

If fellow ARRSERS help me out with this one, I promise, with God as my witness, never to look at the new clerks nubile young form again.

(for at least a week.)
 
#2
On standing up to make said speech, produce card with said speech on it and loudly announce 'FORNICATION!' Then hold card at arms length and sqint and say, 'Sorry, for this occassion...' and carry on with speech! If those assembled laff, you've got it made! If not, mess webley, second draw down in the antiroom desk....
 
#3
Capt_Cuddlebunny said:
On standing up to make said speech, produce card with said speech on it and loudly announce 'FORNICATION!' Then hold card at arms length and sqint and say, 'Sorry, for this occassion...' and carry on with speech! If those assembled laff, you've got it made! If not, mess webley, second draw down in the antiroom desk....
Mess Webley it is then...........
 
#4
The Lord Flasheart said:
Capt_Cuddlebunny said:
On standing up to make said speech, produce card with said speech on it and loudly announce 'FORNICATION!' Then hold card at arms length and sqint and say, 'Sorry, for this occassion...' and carry on with speech! If those assembled laff, you've got it made! If not, mess webley, second draw down in the antiroom desk....
Mess Webley it is then...........
Damn, I thought that was funny!

*starts dusting down Mess Webley*
 
#6
Stand up, clear throat, look at your audience...

"A wise man once told me" ... [dramatic pause] ... "that leaving speeches shouldn't last longer than you can make love for"

Sit down.
 
#7
Get to feet, then announce:

"This is not the first time today I have risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand..."

Got a good laugh in a Best Man's speech I gave the other week, mind you half the guests were sh1ters!
 
#8
Capt_Cuddlebunny said:
On standing up to make said speech, produce card with said speech on it and loudly announce 'FORNICATION!' Then hold card at arms length and sqint and say, 'Sorry, for this occassion...' and carry on with speech! If those assembled laff, you've got it made! If not, mess webley, second draw down in the antiroom desk....
Sorry to be pedantic...... :) but it ought to be: 'For an occasion......such as this....'

Been there, used it (about 4 years ago) and it only got a few laughs then......

......then again, maybe it's just me not being that funny....... :oops:

Now, where's my hole punch? (I don't have a Mess Webley in my current job).
 
#9
"It gives me great pleasure............ but that has nothing to do with saying goodbye"
"Farewell speeches should be as simple as ABC and XYZ: Always Be Concise and Check(X) Your Zip before standing up".
"Thank you for your support. I shall wear it always".
Sod this. What weak willed Johnnie of an OC delegates a farewell speech?
Go for the time honoured tradition of not giving the sod the speech until he is about to deliver it, pass him a series of flash cards, the first two of which are full of gems and the third which simply says "you're on your own now".
 
#10
Can't help with the opening lines but I was at a GMC bash and the toast at the end was "To our wives and our girlfriends : may they never meet".

Priceless.
 
#11
RAMC_Medic said:
Can't help with the opening lines but I was at a GMC bash and the toast at the end was "To our wives and our girlfriends : may they never meet".

Priceless.
That's the naval toast for use on Saturdays. Although it's usually "sweethearts and wives".
 

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