One-handed difficulties

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by old_fat_and_hairy, Apr 20, 2007.

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  1. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Given the latest figures from the Ministry of Guesswork and Made-up Statistics that 92% of all cars and lorries are single occupancy,why is it that sandwiches, sweets and drinks purchased from service stations so fcucking hard to open with one hand?
    Ever tried opening a Werthers (ok, I'm an old git) with one hand? Crash time!
     
  2. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    And before the police contingent jump in with the bit about it being illegal to eat etc while driving, and all the usual stuff about not being in control of the veh, I was a plod for 25 years, and everyone did something similar. Including answering radio with handsets.
     
  3. You should have opened it whilst stationary - as the old maxim says

    p1sh poor planning prevents proper pie perfromance
     
  4. I use both hands to open sandwiches, operate my blackberry and play the euphonium, whilst steering with my penis.
     
  5. I remember getting a lift from Cranwell to Plymouth with a man who managed to eat a supersize big mac meal on the M5 using both hands to eat and steering with his knees. Was I scared? I nearly filled my pants.
     
  6. Are you not trying too hard to be original?
     
  7. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Admittedly they are the Werthers Originals. Got a packet in front of me now, which prompted the rant.
     
  8. Never mind one handed I've seen Germans snorting coke on the autobahn lines prepared by the passenger on the inside of the glove compartment door. I was gobsmacked when the driver leaned accross for his!
     
  9. I don't know if it's a sign of approaching old age or a lack of manual dexterity due to being ex-REME but I have problems with those pre-packed sandwiches with BOTH hands.

    You grab the tab conveniently marked 'Pull here' and surprisingly enough pull and then watch as your tuna with chicken tikka-masala on stale with extra lettuce flies across the room and hits the brickie that has popped in for his lunch full in the face

    You spend the next half an hour persuading him not to rearrange your face while your stomach rumbles as you've still had fcuk all to eat.