One for the padre...

This is a copy of an open, unsigned letter to Laura Schlessinger - an American broadcaster who cited homosexuality as an abomination, on the authority of Leviticus 18. The correspondent, while applauding her firmness, seeks guidance on other questions. Here are some extracts:

1.      "When I burn  a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?"
2.      "I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 27. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?"
3.      "I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of uncleanliness (Lev. 15). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence."
4.      "Lev. 25 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?"
5.      "Lev. 21 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?"
6.      "I know from Lev. II that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?"
7.      "My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24). Couldn't we just      burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20)."

Answers to help Laura on one side of a sheet of paper please.


3)Don't go near her if she's in a bitchy mood.
4)Canadians do not allow slavery, whereas Mexicans work for slave money.
5)Man is not able to see nor hear the voice of God lest he be struck dead, unless God allows it through his voice for him.
Apologies in advance for the lack of bad language, but it made me smile and thought you might enjoy...



Church Notices

• The pastor will be leaving tonight, and we will be having a service of singing and praise.

• The Rev. McArthur spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

• Please welcome Pastor Cowden, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

• Margaret remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Turnball's sermons.

• Matthew Hains and Jamie Waters were married on Oct 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

• The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which, the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• The Sunday school will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hallFriday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a creche downstairs.
• This being Easter Sunday, during the next hymn Mrs. Lewis will lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

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