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One for the ARRSE maidens...........

#1
I WILL SURVIVE

Female Version...........
>
>At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
>By the ugly wa*nker that was lying by my side.
>I would've drunk a little less, I would've
>Tried to keep my head,
>If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
>Your crusty bed...
>
>I tried to go, walk out the door.
>But I laughed so hard at your small knob that
>I've fallen on the floor.
>Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out
>disgrace,
>But I'd rather look at that, than at your
>Fucken ugly face...!
>
>
>I want to go, I've got to leave.
>Your talk of chicks and football really makes
>Me want to heave.
>I only know I've got to stop my drinking
>Spirits and the beer
>Coz when I looked at you last night, you
>Looked just like Richard Gere !
>
>
>I can't believe, that we both shagged.
>You should be wearing concrete shoes or
>Simply bound and gagged.
>I'm fuckeng off right now, I'm jumping on the
>Flippin' train
>And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed
>Your greebies down the drain.
>
>Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
>We had the worst se*x in the world and you're
>An ugly prick
>I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at
>least he's got a lovely flat >
>But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
>Stuck with you, you twat.
>
>It's time to go, run out the door.
>You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
>I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going
>To have no stupid fun
>Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me
>Want to be a nun !
>
>
>I WILL SURVIVE !
 
#2
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10:00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
13:00 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg.
15:00 Nap
16:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret admirer.
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
20:00 Hot shower (alone)
20:50 Carried to bed.....(freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen)
21:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
21:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.


tcha right :twisted: :lol:
 
#3
Sorry Whistleblower - I thought you were a woman.

And I have never met a fcukin para commando pilot! For a start theres no such thing! For fucks sake - what is this?? 8O
 
#4
Geez.... what happened there??

There was supposed to be 14 post under this topic, then suddenly.... only 2 ??

The mods are at it again!!! :evil:
 
#5
yep, and my pm wont work to send a msg to whistleblower - so how the feck can i find out who the weirdo is..

Censorship gone a tad too far this time
 
#6
Found It!!!

Funnily enough, it was posted under "Utter Drivel" which it was.

Moodybitch, don't bother with that numpty! Para Commando Nobber would describe him better methinks! :lol:
 
#11
Not noticed a para commando pilot! But surely he would have helicoptered in, parachuted down into cheeks and then i would have found out he 'went commando' later - not something a gal would forget!
 
#15
Moodybitch said:
Not noticed a para commando pilot! But surely he would have helicoptered in, parachuted down into cheeks and then i would have found out he 'went commando' later - not something a gal would forget!
Moody you just described the "Milk Tray Man" without the chocs :lol:
 

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