Omlette Poisoning.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Lechies, Jan 11, 2011.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Yesterday, my good lady wife made an Omlette for my tea, about an hour after I ate it, she asked me "What does it mean when you break an egg and it sounds hollow?", no idea I replied, "Well, two of the four eggs I used in your Omlette sounded hollow when I broke them, they didn't smell right either". So, I checked the expiry date on the egg box and was relieved to see they were in date by one day. I took her to work this morning and got back to stag on in the house waiting for the new tumble dryer to arrive, about half eight, I felt a bit dizzy, then let rip a great big stream of yellow coloured vomit, this came along with a horrible dense pain sensation in my gut, I checked my colostomy site and saw the bag not just filling, but lifting away from the skin letting loose a stream of yellow water that went straight down my leg and onto the floor. Thankfully I was in the living room (Laminate flooring, so easy to clean), the pain had me on my knees while I kept trying to chuck up and wipe up the vile smelling watery poo that was on the floor, I have no idea what dogs sense of smell is like, but whatever it is, my dog thought my poo smelt nice and came over for a taste, I was trying to mop it the river of poo up before the dog troughed any more of it but at that time the Comet guy came to the door, I had no alternative but answer it, I got to the door to find two lads with the new tumble dryer on small trolley. Not sure what they thought to find this fat man at the door, top off, a 32cm piece of gut hanging out, trying unsuccesfully to halt a stream of yellow watery poo with non woven swabs who then promptly barfed while they tried to navigate past the yellow puddle on the living room floor, the house stunk, I was covered in shit, the dog had it on her back, it's took an hour to clear up the floor, the dog needs a shower, I need a shower, the house needs airing and two delivery men probably need their eyes bleaching.

    Moral of the story? If the egg sounds hollow, it's off. I'll never eat another one, well, unless it's in a pie crust or cake.
  2. That's lovely.
  3. Boldnotold

    Boldnotold LE Book Reviewer

    Other moral of the story.

    Sell by / best before dates are no substitute for common sense (and a sense of smell!)

    Keep drinking plain water, chum, and some Dioralyte if you have it. Get well soon!

    (Scrambled eggs for tea, perhaps? ;-) )
  4. It's much worse if there's mushrooms in there too.

    My friend's first wife died from eating bad mushrooms....

    His second wife died from a broken skull....

    Well, she wouldn't eat the mushrooms!

    Laughter, the best medicine. Hope you feel better soon.

  5. jim24

    jim24 Book Reviewer

    Get yourself checked out, could be Salmonella, not good
  6. Kick her to death and then kick her some more.
  7. Sounds more like AIDS to me mate. The bad kind.
  8. Knock, Knock!
    Who's there?
    Omelette who?
    Omelette smarter than I look!
  9. terroratthepicnic

    terroratthepicnic LE Reviewer Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Runners

    If it's Salmonella poisoning, get yorself to hospital because your in for a very rough week or so. Drink plenty of salted water or flat pop. Take dyrolite or some other bunging up stuff and pray your small intestines don't come out of your mouth.

    You might want to lay in the bath as well, it will save cleaning all the mess up in the house.
  10. Germany you say, Eggs ? No way.

    BBC News - Dioxin threat eggs from Germany baked in UK cakes
  11. is your lass called Edwina Currie?. :)
  12. The grabline on the old egg adverts used to be "go to work on an egg", looks like the egg is going to work on you now :)
  13. Given that off eggs float in water while non-off ones don't, it surprises me that we put eggs in the fridge, rather than store them in a bucket of water. Ignore the use-by dates and just discard the floaters. Or do eggs become waterlogged over time? Probably a good idea to discard the ones with a soggy shell as well, then.
  14. Puttees, eggs are porous.
  15. top tip though, if you are going to kick her to death, make her take off her drinking helmet first ;-)