Olive dating - all I get is pits

Discussion in 'Lonely Hearts' started by Lucretia, Jul 18, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Lucretia

    Lucretia Old-Salt Book Reviewer

    Earlier this year I became unexpectedly single (my partner ran off with a young friend of mine). I found I missed having a man about the place, and decided to search for a replacement. At my time of life, I have many uses for a young, fit, open minded chap – there’s at least one jar of marmalade I can’t open, and the landing lightbulb needs changing – so I followed the link from Arrse to Olive dating.
    I had few expectations. I’ve not ordered much off the internet before, except cat food and books. However, I hoped to find a gentleman with a connection to the armed services, ideally one in service so he wouldn’t get under my feet too often. Or one recently returned to civilian life. Muscled, tattooed, about 6ft, good teeth, not married…I’m not picky, really.
    I set up a profile with a very bland message and a friendly photo and awaited results.
    Below are just a few of the messages I got. Just be thankful I spared you the photos. Not a one from anyone in uniform – unless you count a postie.

    well here goes,
    i'm trying to find that someone who gets my attentioncatches my eye, now that can prove to be hard but with your help i'm sure i can find her. who knows it may be you ??
    It’s not me. I can’t help you with your allergy to using UPPER CASE letters.

    Hi be nice to chat
    It would, wouldn’t it? Any clues? Considering your photo is entirely backlit so I can only see your shape, and your profile is completely empty of text – not much help for me. What shall we chat about? Witness protection programmes? Boat house paint? Serial killers?

    IF, first date was at cimema, what type of film wound you prefere...........
    Film wound?? Erm, let me think about that. On-screen decapitation is fun, I guess…

    hi been singel for some time now and think its time i got back in to dateing so hear i am . not the best looking but honist loveing and a good frend . so if you wont all that and more well im your man . iv got no hang ups or hates . im just a man looking for love and hope you are looking for the same . take care x
    Trev left school at age 10, presumably. Now, I know spelling is not everyone’s thing, especially among those in uniform, (which of course, he’s not), but really, do try. Singel and honist is not enough.

    can u help me, A polar bear is sitting on the ice , suddenly the ice broke bear fell in ,can u tell me what he weighed?? no nor do i but he did break the ice lol hello im edgar
    wtf?? This odd message from edgar comes from user name of Jeff. Presumably Jeff has a wife and edgar doesn’t, or vice versa.

    Fun and frolics...see what happens
    Am looking for some Fun, no married women please, If we get on, then who knows? a long term relationship is my Ultimate goal.
    When I looked at Richard’s page he had put up an indignant note explaining that by fun and frolics he didn’t mean one night stands. I don’t think he gets out much.

    Alongside the message sits the all important photo. I’ve looked at a lot of pics of men who look as glum as if they’ve just been hauled out from a river, and some who are dots in the far distance of their chosen location. And then there are the props – those carefully chosen symbols of the man and his personality. Honourable mention to Merv, who is pictured clutching an enormous fish to his chest. Love me, love my carp? And Tom, whose photo shows him, bulging biceps, tight vest, moustache, cig in mouth, polishing his motorbike. Tom, darling, sweetie, are you on the right dating site? This is one for men who like women…The same applies to Andrew, who has chosen a photo of him astride a bright pink lilo, bottom up, wearing nothing but a teeny tiny pair of trunks and a lot of oil. If it’s not a fish photo, or a dog, or a collection of gay stereotypes, it’s a motorbike. So many motorbikes. I know, I know - real men ride motorbikes. Some would seem to have formed a deep and lasting attachment to their bike, so intense they probably don’t need a dating site. Just some counselling.

    Out of this largesse of testosterone I picked some chap who didn’t look like an axe murderer, didn’t have a dodgy prop in his photo, and sent a reasonable message. We chatted on line. No, he couldn’t spell. Not even his own name, which he spells Mik. No, he’d never been in the armed forces , but he did like watching war films. We met. He told me all about the problems with his ex wife and how there was a restraining order to stop him seeing his kids. Great small talk Mik. Just what I want to hear in the first ten minutes. He asked not one question about me, but he did want to see me again. He had some DIY materials he could give me. That meeting, mercifully short, he spent texting his grown up daughter who was having problems with the plumbing in her house.

    When my subscription to Olive dating comes up for renewal, I will decline the offer. I won’t be joining another dating site, either. Instead I shall buy a stepladder, and a new lightbulb, and get on with my single life.
    • Like Like x 2
  2. Sounds like you have received some rather special attention from that site.....Is it worth checking your own profile in case you have put out an unintentional, subliminal invite for social retards or criminal window lickers?

    What did single people do ten years ago, before the internet dating rubbish?.....quite possibly they spoke to people in person while out shopping, went to the gym or some other physical pursuit they enjoyed and to also meet like minded people.

    Or you could continue with E-dating and get invites for dogging and swinger weekends for the first date.
  3. I think yor post was informitive and funy. You sound realy kewl.

    Wot you doing Tuesday?

    Mrs at Bingo. Innit.

    What are ou doing
  4. You are SO on the wrong website if you are after good lookers.

    Big J and The Gimp are taken, and I am not a lezzer.

    Why on earth would you post that on here?

    I bet you've got a cat as well.
  5. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    Behave. Some of us are so utterly breathtaking that we have our own NATO classification; OF/OR - G (The G's for Gorgeous)

    Edit: Arrse, rather than Olive Dating. I have never joined the latter.
  6. I registered to have a nose around and that site is full of imbecilic, bland men presumably seeking imbecilic bland women (yes Jarrod, I was inundated) It's rubbish and certainly not worth paying for. Get yourself on PlentyOfFish and keep your expectations low. It's just as bad, if not worse but at least it's free
    If all else fails you could put an ad in here and you'll be awash with offers of cider and dry bumming
  7. You Borgias are all the bleedin' same, moan, moan, moan.
  8. Yes, but you're a lovely redhead with a great arse.

    This is probably Fat_Cav taking the piss again..he likes pretending to be a laydeee..
  9. Oh right. Fat_Cav is not the moniker of an eligible gentleman.
  10. From the OP '............I’ve not ordered much off the internet before, except cat food....................'

    No shit, Sherlock?
  11. OI - I have a cat
  12. AGC is not RMP all the time. Poirot.
  13. Yeah, but I like you - you have pink trousers, DID DID have pink trousers.
  14. Hush it, unless you wear your kilt again and let me sit on your knee,