Earlier this year I became unexpectedly single (my partner ran off with a young friend of mine). I found I missed having a man about the place, and decided to search for a replacement. At my time of life, I have many uses for a young, fit, open minded chap theres at least one jar of marmalade I cant open, and the landing lightbulb needs changing so I followed the link from Arrse to Olive dating. I had few expectations. Ive not ordered much off the internet before, except cat food and books. However, I hoped to find a gentleman with a connection to the armed services, ideally one in service so he wouldnt get under my feet too often. Or one recently returned to civilian life. Muscled, tattooed, about 6ft, good teeth, not married Im not picky, really. I set up a profile with a very bland message and a friendly photo and awaited results. Below are just a few of the messages I got. Just be thankful I spared you the photos. Not a one from anyone in uniform unless you count a postie. well here goes, i'm trying to find that someone who gets my attentioncatches my eye, now that can prove to be hard but with your help i'm sure i can find her. who knows it may be you ?? Its not me. I cant help you with your allergy to using UPPER CASE letters. Hi be nice to chat It would, wouldnt it? Any clues? Considering your photo is entirely backlit so I can only see your shape, and your profile is completely empty of text not much help for me. What shall we chat about? Witness protection programmes? Boat house paint? Serial killers? Cinema IF, first date was at cimema, what type of film wound you prefere........... Film wound?? Erm, let me think about that. On-screen decapitation is fun, I guess hi been singel for some time now and think its time i got back in to dateing so hear i am . not the best looking but honist loveing and a good frend . so if you wont all that and more well im your man . iv got no hang ups or hates . im just a man looking for love and hope you are looking for the same . take care x Trev left school at age 10, presumably. Now, I know spelling is not everyones thing, especially among those in uniform, (which of course, hes not), but really, do try. Singel and honist is not enough. can u help me, A polar bear is sitting on the ice , suddenly the ice broke bear fell in ,can u tell me what he weighed?? no nor do i but he did break the ice lol hello im edgar wtf?? This odd message from edgar comes from user name of Jeff. Presumably Jeff has a wife and edgar doesnt, or vice versa. Fun and frolics...see what happens Am looking for some Fun, no married women please, If we get on, then who knows? a long term relationship is my Ultimate goal. When I looked at Richards page he had put up an indignant note explaining that by fun and frolics he didnt mean one night stands. I dont think he gets out much. Alongside the message sits the all important photo. Ive looked at a lot of pics of men who look as glum as if theyve just been hauled out from a river, and some who are dots in the far distance of their chosen location. And then there are the props those carefully chosen symbols of the man and his personality. Honourable mention to Merv, who is pictured clutching an enormous fish to his chest. Love me, love my carp? And Tom, whose photo shows him, bulging biceps, tight vest, moustache, cig in mouth, polishing his motorbike. Tom, darling, sweetie, are you on the right dating site? This is one for men who like women The same applies to Andrew, who has chosen a photo of him astride a bright pink lilo, bottom up, wearing nothing but a teeny tiny pair of trunks and a lot of oil. If its not a fish photo, or a dog, or a collection of gay stereotypes, its a motorbike. So many motorbikes. I know, I know - real men ride motorbikes. Some would seem to have formed a deep and lasting attachment to their bike, so intense they probably dont need a dating site. Just some counselling. Out of this largesse of testosterone I picked some chap who didnt look like an axe murderer, didnt have a dodgy prop in his photo, and sent a reasonable message. We chatted on line. No, he couldnt spell. Not even his own name, which he spells Mik. No, hed never been in the armed forces , but he did like watching war films. We met. He told me all about the problems with his ex wife and how there was a restraining order to stop him seeing his kids. Great small talk Mik. Just what I want to hear in the first ten minutes. He asked not one question about me, but he did want to see me again. He had some DIY materials he could give me. That meeting, mercifully short, he spent texting his grown up daughter who was having problems with the plumbing in her house. When my subscription to Olive dating comes up for renewal, I will decline the offer. I wont be joining another dating site, either. Instead I shall buy a stepladder, and a new lightbulb, and get on with my single life.