Old Jakob Leibevitz

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Spasmcasm, Mar 25, 2012.

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  1. Old Jakob Leibevitz buys a lottery ticket every Saturday.
    He's had a difficult life, and sometime or other his luck must change. Well change it did when he won a double roll over jackpot.
    Being 84 and a holocaust survivor, he is invited down to London to be presented with his cheque in a glitzy presentation ceremony by Dale Winton. After getting his cheque, Dale asks old Jakob if there is anyone he wants to mention, and old Jakob said actually there was a few people he wanted to thank.
    "Firstly, I'd like to thank my dear wife who has stuck by me through thick and thin" Says old Jakob. "We met in Belsen when I was sent there at 14, and although we lost both our families, we have stayed together ever since, if it wasn't for her I would have given up long before now"...clearly moved, Dale asks him to go on.."Secondly, I'd like to thank the Rabbi for his unstinting support, and helping me through some dark days. His door is always open, and if it wasn't for him, I would not have maintained my faith"....Dale's bottom lip is going big time and he says to old Jakob anyone else? "yes, Mr Patel, in the corner shop, opening his shop all day and all night, if it wasn't for the service he provides to the community, I would never have been able to buy the ticket, and finally, my sincere thanks to Adolf Hitler"
    "Adolf Hitler?" says Dale completely shocked, "a man widely regarded as the most evil to have walked the planet, a man who ordered and over saw the elimination of 6 million of your brethren, why ever would you want to thank him?"

    Undoing his cuffs and rolling up his sleeves, Old Jakob says "Well, without these numbers....."
    • Like Like x 3
  2. Same punchline, but slightly quicker to tell.

    Samuel Goldstein wins 3 mil on the lottery.

    Give 1/2 mil to his daughter, 1/2 mil to his son and 100,000 to the local neo nazi group.

    His Son goes mental and says 'Hey Dad, WTF?'

    Dad rolls up his sleeve, points to the faded digits and says 'Fairs fair son, they chose the fecking numbers'.
    • Like Like x 3
  3. Hymie and Abie are walking along, Abie's bending Hymie's ear about how lucky he is. Hymie looks down at his feet and spots a pay packet with 500 quid in it. Abie says "Oy, you're so lucky, look at that, 500 quid". Hymie points to the front of the pay packet and says "Lucky bullshit, look at the fucking tax I'm paying".
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Old Abie Goldstein slips on a patch of ice outside his home and injures himself. A neighbour see this, calls and ambulance and rushes to Abie's aid with a blanket and pillow.

    He places the pillow under Abie's head, and gently covers him with the blanket.
    "Don't worry, Abie", he says, "the ambulance is on its way. Now are you comfortable??"

    Abie shrugs expansively and replies "I make a living".
    • Like Like x 2
  5. T93



    1st time I have heard (read) this One. The punchline made me giggle.

    NOW, I wonder if my German colleagues would appreciate the joke?
  6. I've told this countless times to the Eric's, and the older ones get it and generally find it amusing, the younger ones not so.