I posted this in response to a 'challenge' posted in the 'R IRISH Home Service Battalions to disband' thread in Current Affairs, and not wishing to drag that particular subject completely off-kilter, I am postng it here. Will post when I can (or when the blood sugar levels make me sufficently creative ): Ah yes, I can see it now.......rapidly advancing crane shot across foam-topped waves with Clannad music wailing in the background. Fade in with Liam Neeson voiceover: "Oirlandâ¦land of myth and legendâ¦ whose people have struggled against oppressionâ¦for centuries, never loosing their Faith and belief in freedom". [Diddly-deedle-de-de-diddle etc.] Uileann pipes rise to crescendo....SinÃ©ad O'Connor starts cattur-wauling as we see a montage of Sealed Knot types running about representing 'Oirland's' struggle against assorted baddies. Voice over continues with a quick gallop through Irish history.....St. Patrick, Vikings, Normans, English, 1798, 1916, 'Da Troubles', Italia '90 etc... "Out of this maelstrom of violence and bloodshed (Uileann pipes rise to another crescendo) came the bright light of peace"....cue images of slow-mo street action from Northern Ireland c.1972 showing long-haired Bernadette McAliskey types screaming abuse and being generally unladylike, squaddies head-butting babies and blowing raspberries at statues of the Virgin Mary etc. Camera pans down to street level. Screen text reads 'Ireland - the present' (we know it's Ireland because there's a cow tied up on the corner and an impromptu session of Riverdance is taking place ). Bruce Willis moves into shot, hunched into an overcoat with a cigarette hanging from his lip. [Willis voiceover] "This country isn't moine anymore, never really was in the first place anyway" (This is nearly drowned out completely by the gales (Gaels?) of laughter from people in the audience and raucous questions of 'Wha da feck is dat eejit ment to be sayin'?' and 'Is he playinâ a Taig or a Prod, or wha?' and 'Ah jaysus! Will yis watch me chips!') Willis's character - James MacNeill - explains how he was reared in Belfast, of a mixed marriage, but moved to Noo Yawk aged 5 to escape 'Da Troubles'. Curious about his past and feeling 'disconnected' - as Irish-Americans are wont to be - he returns home and, stuck for a job, decides to join the RUC Special Branch. His rugged demeanour and gravel-being-stirred-in-a-bucket voice are meant to convey to the slack-jawed audience that he has 'been there'. "I went up against Republicans and Loyalists - they were all the same to me" (pauses to light cigarette and glances briefly upwards as a few spots of rain begin to fall - now we know this is actually Ireland). "Never could choose a side. Felt I could make my own way through 'em all, keeping to the law". [note: all this takes place in slow-mo, with a suggestion of suitably sombre and menacing music] âTrouble was, I liked my job, and was good at itâ (flashback montage of RUC chaps accompanied by Hugh Grantish hofficers kicking in doors and catching assorted Bobby Sands clones sitting around a table strewn with potatoes and castor sugar - one manages to squawk âJaysus, da fookinâ peelersâ before firing a shot into the ceiling and being incinerated by a burly para with a flamethrower. Another is caught sitting on the toilet reading the Situations Vacant section of the Belfast Telegraph, but has craftily hidden an Armalite in his underpantsâ¦however he has been eating the potatoes and castor and unfortunately chooses that moment to break wind...we hear a muffled scream. For the next two hours the audience are in hysterics as our hero mooches about the âNew Oirlandâ - Sinn FÃ©in in government and alls well with the world - but he still feels âdisconnectedâ. Memories of the past get so vivid that he starts seeing a leprechaun-like character dressed in a Linfield jersey, wearing a saffron kilt and wielding a hurley who taunts him with his past deeds [note: Tom Cruise to play this part, but Ant and/or Dec if budget is tight] MacNeillâs wife - a former SAS courtesan and sometime Sinn FÃ©in MLA - was abducted and brainwashed a decade before and now works as a lap dancer in a Loyalist drinking club. He drank to forget, so we never learn her name. The film - âRed Hand, Black Heartâ - causes widespread rioting across Northern Ireland but is critically acclaimed elsewhere, sweeping the boards at the Academy Awards. Michael Moore calls it a fitting tribute to a tragic land and victimised people - this sees him being assaulted by the Womensâ Coalition when he comes to Belfast to open the Johnny Adair Crunch Fitness and Remedial Education Centre. Ireland - 'tis better to laugh, else you might start crying.