Oirland - an alternative reality

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by gallowglass, Aug 4, 2005.

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  1. I posted this in response to a 'challenge' posted in the 'R IRISH Home Service Battalions to disband' thread in Current Affairs, and not wishing to drag that particular subject completely off-kilter, I am postng it here. Will post when I can (or when the blood sugar levels make me sufficently creative 8O ):

    Ah yes, I can see it now.......rapidly advancing crane shot across foam-topped waves with Clannad music wailing in the background.

    Fade in with Liam Neeson voiceover:

    "Oirland…land of myth and legend… whose people have struggled against oppression…for centuries, never loosing their Faith and belief in freedom".
    [Diddly-deedle-de-de-diddle etc.]

    Uileann pipes rise to crescendo....Sinéad O'Connor starts cattur-wauling as we see a montage of Sealed Knot types running about representing 'Oirland's' struggle against assorted baddies.

    Voice over continues with a quick gallop through Irish history.....St. Patrick, Vikings, Normans, English, 1798, 1916, 'Da Troubles', Italia '90 etc...

    "Out of this maelstrom of violence and bloodshed (Uileann pipes rise to another crescendo) came the bright light of peace"....cue images of slow-mo street action from Northern Ireland c.1972 showing long-haired Bernadette McAliskey types screaming abuse and being generally unladylike, squaddies head-butting babies and blowing raspberries at statues of the Virgin Mary etc.

    Camera pans down to street level. Screen text reads 'Ireland - the present' (we know it's Ireland because there's a cow tied up on the corner and an impromptu session of Riverdance is taking place ). Bruce Willis moves into shot, hunched into an overcoat with a cigarette hanging from his lip.

    [Willis voiceover] "This country isn't moine anymore, never really was in the first place anyway"

    (This is nearly drowned out completely by the gales (Gaels?) of laughter from people in the audience and raucous questions of 'Wha da feck is dat eejit ment to be sayin'?' and 'Is he playin’ a Taig or a Prod, or wha?' and 'Ah jaysus! Will yis watch me chips!')

    Willis's character - James MacNeill - explains how he was reared in Belfast, of a mixed marriage, but moved to Noo Yawk aged 5 to escape 'Da Troubles'. Curious about his past and feeling 'disconnected' - as Irish-Americans are wont to be - he returns home and, stuck for a job, decides to join the RUC Special Branch. His rugged demeanour and gravel-being-stirred-in-a-bucket voice are meant to convey to the slack-jawed audience that he has 'been there'.

    "I went up against Republicans and Loyalists - they were all the same to me" (pauses to light cigarette and glances briefly upwards as a few spots of rain begin to fall - now we know this is actually Ireland).

    "Never could choose a side. Felt I could make my own way through 'em all, keeping to the law". [note: all this takes place in slow-mo, with a suggestion of suitably sombre and menacing music]

    “Trouble was, I liked my job, and was good at it” (flashback montage of RUC chaps accompanied by Hugh Grantish hofficers kicking in doors and catching assorted Bobby Sands clones sitting around a table strewn with potatoes and castor sugar - one manages to squawk ‘Jaysus, da fookin’ peelers’ before firing a shot into the ceiling and being incinerated by a burly para with a flamethrower. Another is caught sitting on the toilet reading the Situations Vacant section of the Belfast Telegraph, but has craftily hidden an Armalite in his underpants…however he has been eating the potatoes and castor and unfortunately chooses that moment to break wind...we hear a muffled scream.

    For the next two hours the audience are in hysterics as our hero mooches about the ‘New Oirland’ - Sinn Féin in government and alls well with the world - but he still feels ‘disconnected’. Memories of the past get so vivid that he starts seeing a leprechaun-like character dressed in a Linfield jersey, wearing a saffron kilt and wielding a hurley who taunts him with his past deeds [note: Tom Cruise to play this part, but Ant and/or Dec if budget is tight]

    MacNeill’s wife - a former SAS courtesan and sometime Sinn Féin MLA - was abducted and brainwashed a decade before and now works as a lap dancer in a Loyalist drinking club. He drank to forget, so we never learn her name.

    The film - ‘Red Hand, Black Heart’ - causes widespread rioting across Northern Ireland but is critically acclaimed elsewhere, sweeping the boards at the Academy Awards. Michael Moore calls it a fitting tribute to a tragic land and victimised people - this sees him being assaulted by the Womens’ Coalition when he comes to Belfast to open the Johnny Adair Crunch Fitness and Remedial Education Centre.

    Ireland - 'tis better to laugh, else you might start crying.
  2. Be Careful , Hollywood don't get British irony and might actually think you are serious and make a film out of your post ! :lol:
  3. You're really Newton Emerson's evil twin, aren't you? Admit it now, come on.
  4. I think RTFQ has a rival, excellent!
  5. Brilliant! :)
  6. Maybe he is Newton Emerson.

    Keep up the good work......when is the sequal coming out.
  7. MacNeill’s wife - played by Kenny Everetts Cupid Stunt? all in the best possible taste ?
  8. James MacNeill’s [played by Bruce Willis] journey through the New Oirland of post-IRA declaration continues…

    [Brooding fiddle playing serves as a musical backdrop]

    Voiceover - MacNeill walks through the twilight world of the New Oirland in which he feels such a stranger. It’s all changed now, with more Republican Basket-Weaving Clubs and Loyalist Gender Awareness Centres than you can shake a stick at.

    [Squawk of protest from the audience - ‘What da fu…?’]

    [MacNeill] - “Even the rain here is different now. Before, you could always tell whether the rain was Protestant or Catholic, but now…it’s just rain.”

    [Voiceover] - McNeill always thinks back to the friends he lost….Lucius O'Trigger, a tout who wound up teaching lacrosse at Chelsea Ladies’ College…Lt. The Hon. Bertie ffoulkes-ffoulkes, last heard of in Crossmaglen, where he was in deep cover pretending to be a set of goalposts…Billy McPlanter, the part-time policeman and Elvis impersonator…Rita O’Harridan, a one-night stand who rejected Republicanism in favour of bodybuilding - she is now known as Frank…Fr. Ignatius O’Torquemada, renowned bridge player and Bisley champion who now runs his own PMC in Iraq…

    MacNeill’s wanderings take him into West Belfast where he chances upon a new wall mural being painted under the supervision of Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen…

    [From the audience - ‘Tosser!’ ‘Cut yer hair ya nonce!’ ‘Who’s he?’]

    [LLB] - “No, no, no, NO! Anthony is it? What did I say? Feeling! Emotion! The toddler with the Kalashnikov is not saying anything to me.”

    [Anthony] - “Er, Mr. Llewellyn. dat’s cause he’s only a wain…”

    MacNeill continues on through the wasteland of his memory…

    [Voiceover] The island of Oirland has changed since the bright new dawn of peace…

    [Loud chorus of ‘Bo**ocks!’ from the audience]

    …with many things not what they once were.

    Uileann pipes, bodhráns, etc. didly-diddly-diddly-de-de-di-di…

    [Panning camera shot sweeps across Belfast city…we see the former Harland & Wolf shipyard which is now the ‘Pack up your Troubles’ theme park;

    attractions include:
    - recreated street violence c.1974 as performed by the Parachute Regiment Visual Display and Interpretive Theatre Group and St. Semtex’s U-12s GAA team…
    - a display of Greco-Roman wrestling and mime by the Ballychav branch of Johnny Adair’s Crunch Fitness and Remedial Education Centre…
    - hourly restaging of the Loughgall ambush/massacre followed by reasoned discussion afterwards aimed at ‘understanding both viewpoints’ (a Sinn Féin medium will attempt to make contact with the spirits of the dead volunteers)…
    - free rides in a Humber 'Pig' for the kiddies (if you're lucky, they'll even let you run down some pedestrians - yipeee!)

    Still feeling 'disconnected' (obviously not a broadband subscriber) our hero MacNeill continues...

    [Voice from the audience - 'Aw jaysus, dis is shoite, O'im goin' te 'jack some wheels!']
  9. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Quality stuff - more please.
  10. You know what, there's a business opportunity there :lol: :D :lol:

    GG you're a star - craic on, mate ...
  11. Brilliant. Dont stop now.
  12. Germany is enjoying an East Germany nostalgia trip (although, knowing my fashion sense it will have passed). There was a film "Good Bye Lenin" (excellent) that encapsulated the nostalgic zeitgeist (there must be a proper German word for it).

    So let's have "Good Bye Gerry". Bernadette is invited to a Sinn Fein do on the eve of the Good Friday agreement. Her son Seamus is on the lash with his Prod mates decrying the sectarian conflict, when he gets into a bit of bother with the IRA heavies, witnessed by Ma. Ma has a heart attack and recovers, but Seamus is told a shock (such as a political upheaval) could kill her. So Seamus sets about recreating the world of the 70s/80s with the help of the Real IRA, and runs around spraying murals on walls with his artist friend etc...
  13. Bravo, sir, brilliant! Please craic on.

  14. Fan O Mc Tastic GG.

    Don't forget Stumpy in the sequal. :)
  15. I could have sworn it was RTFQ for a minute

    I read the long winded "Johnny Adair Crunch Fitness and Remedial Education Centre" and was crushed when it didn't turn out to be a clever acronym. Shame on you.

    No....only joking. Sir, we salute you! 8)