Alternatively eat some chili which will give you something to concentrate on, and helps you hold it in, rather than face the ring of fire again.
It also has the advantage of making the atmosphere unbearable for everyone else, - If you are going to suffer then they are too.
Make sure you leave a pressie in someones kettle it always boosts your morale in the time of dire needs, be around when they do boil the kettle also, its quality espically if its someone of importance.
Poop into an ice tray. Freeze said poop. Meanwhile melt some chocolate (it doesn't have to be high quality). When poop is frozen solid release from the tray and cover the hardened pieces in the melted chocolate. Leave on the desk of the least favourite munter in the place. I would strongly advise a discreet video camera, linked to U-Tube.
Just remember to spread the cheeks before sitting on the pot....it saves the gravy smearing on the cheeks...hence less wiping....although the aperture "focuses" the chutney jet towards the back of the pan leaving horrific scarring......
Semi solid doesn't count. Back to the Indian restaurant for another helping of pile cauterisers washed down with urine weak lager...
Try to get it right this time. Liquid fertiliser should have the consistency of runny paint and spray at least two thirds of the way up the sides of the dump machine. Use week old leftover curry and green mince from the back of the fridge to augment the mix if required.