Oh I wish!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by B_AND_T, Feb 20, 2009.

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  1. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    52 things I would love to say out loud at work

    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

    3. How about never? Is never good for you?

    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

    6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

    10. Ahhhh. I see the f *ck-up fairy has visited us again.

    11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

    19. What am I? Fly-paper for freaks?!

    20.. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

    24. Do I look like a f*cking 'people person' to you?

    25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

    31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

    32.. An office is just a mental institute, without the padded walls.

    33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

    36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

    39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

    40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    41. Aren't you just a black hole of need.

    42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

    43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

    44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a f*cking coma.

    45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it directly over your mouth.

    46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

    47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

    48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

    49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

    50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

    51. Don't believe everything you think.

    52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.
  2. I couldn't be arrsed to read it all, but at least I've got the balls to say most of it to people's faces, you wuss.
  3. I've taken this as a challenge, printed the list off and will be actively working through them.
  4. Most people usually say to you, "Oi you clerk cunt, make me a brew and stop waving that laminated sick chit around.
  5. I don't see the problem with most of the comments in the list. It's also funny to see people appreciate this kind of honesty when you really really mean it :twisted:
  6. I've used one or two, but can't remember most of them.

    I find saying 'f**k off' generally gets the message across.
  7. You wish, I do

    Probably why my last SJAR had word to the effect of 'Needs to learn how to talk to senior officers' :oops:
  8. When being 'taught' how to do something that you've been doing for years anyway, a great way to wind up the instructor/teacher/tutor is telling them:- 'Those that can, do. Those that can't, teach.'

    P****s them right off.
  9. There's a few belters there, I'll be sure to use a few on staff and public alike.
    One of my favourites, "The things you see...when you don't have a rifle"
  10. Oy shiteface, don't diss my brewbeeatch like that!!!
  11. How about "You are talking bollocks - but I respect your diversity"
  12. Christ B&T, you're sluggy's brewbitch now?!?!? Don't reckon you can sink any lower than that! :lol:
  13. He could be Blairs
  14. My last Sqn 2ic (excellent bloke) managed to feck that one up by changing the emphasis here and there, I shall attempt to recreate in written form!

    'Those that can, do those, that can't teach'

    Still, according to his med records, I am sure he had requested 'Gender Re-assessment' :twisted:
  15. phil245

    phil245 LE Book Reviewer

    My favourite insult for women is " who lit the fuse in your tampon"