Oh Fcuk

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cherrypink, Apr 7, 2005.

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  1. OK, desperate for some advise from those users who have kids.
    Some of you may know i race Husky's, well the way in which we keep them eager to run is to keep them hungry and feed at the end of the run that way they run quicker as they know they get to eat at the end of it(see the logic there?!)
    Anyway, my little fookers gnawed throught the lines a few weeks ago so have been unable to run for a while which meant them getting even smaller portions to prevent weight gain.
    My 3 year old also has a rbbit and a guine pig,..at least he did... up until an hour ago.
    The fcukers have managed to break a pane of glass in my door jump through a gap no bigger than a yellow pages, opened my sun lounge door and have pulled the hutch down from on top of the spare dog crate i have in there. All that is left of Bumfluff is a few tufts of grey fur. I have managed salvage what was left of the hutch and the rabbit is ok, well i say ok, its actually sitting covered in its own shit looking very angry.
    I am now left with the dilemma of telling the kid what happened, i cant tell him that Bumfluff went to live with his friends in the field because i used that one last year when my GSD ate his last rabbit.
    What the fcuk do i tell him?. He is pretty switched on and can smell a lie at fifty paces.He gets home at 5 from nursery so any suggestions accepted!.
    Oh, and does anyone know how to get a carcass away from a dog whilst keeping all fingers intact?.
  2. kill all the animals of the household and tell the nipper Ozzy Osbourne popped in for a brew :D
  3. Make him meatballs and pasta for supper, then afterwards tell him that he's just eaten the Guinea Pig. He'll be so mortified he won't think of blaming the dogs, then spatchcock the rabbit and give him that for supper tomorrow. Tell him you're teaching him about 'the survival of the fittest'.
  4. Go and put the bits of his dead pet in his scratcher.

    When he comes in from school turn him over and slip him a crippler, he will be that disturbed and upset that when he goes upstairs and sees his pet he will take it a little easier and is more likely to focus on the glue pouring out of his bleeding arse.

    When he comes downstairs and can't look you in the eye, club the rabbit with a rolling pin and rub its pulp like form into your bits and batter your son into a coma with a cello

    hope this helps
  5. Pet shop, PDQ!

    All else fails, tell child animal is at vets till (indeterminate time). Will give you a chance to source new one...
  6. Northern_warrior, you have no idea just how close i am to fcuking them all off. Vet is coming for one of them Saturday morning.
    I cant help but giggle about it though, the little sod bite me whenever he could but had survived numerous dog attacks, guess a canine incisor to the brain was just too much for the little fella!.
  7. Tie some bed sheets together and hang yourself from the rafters as punishment for your bad parenting skills... ?

    He will be too distracted by your cold, stiff, lifeless body swinging infront of him to notice the fact that you let your dogs savage his beloved pet?

    Good luck, keep us posted? :D
  8. Christ on a crutch, tell the kid the truth! Be tactfull, but tell the truth. You do them no favor by lying to them.

    Failing that, MDN's suggestions will work. Or call MJ and let the kid spend a week with him, at least he'll get some dosh for his efforts.
  9. Oh, & you might like to keep an eye out for a look-a-like bunny too, in case it dies of shock in the next day or two...

    Sorry to be so cheery! :roll: :wink:
  10. So, bad news for me then huh?. Poop
  11. Corporal, he is a three year old kid who thinks of nothing but Thomas the tank engine, toy cars and sweets. You really think i should tell him that one of mummy and daddys ravenous dogs hunted down his pride and joy, tore open the hutch door seized the defenceless animal in its jaws and proceeded to decapitate it whilst it was still breathing?.

    Think i will just blame it on his daddy!
  12. Well Corps following your advise.... your father and i have something to tell you..... :D
  13. I'm intrigued by the idea of you racing Huskies. What distance is it over, and who usually wins, you or the dogs?
  14. Make the remains into a novelty davey crockett hat , what child could resist such a treat.

    or kill another one and hey presto ..... hilarious comedy slippers.

    or take him outside , show him which dog did it , and shoot it to proove your love for the child.

    hope this helps.
  15. Shortfuse, i regularly employ his services at feeding time, he is a dab hand with a schooling whip, you should see the look of glee on his face when the toggle connects with a nice sharp cracking noise!. Little sadist. Maybe i will tell him the truth..then hand him his weapon of choice!.