I wish.
Usually consists of a pot of luke warm tea, rancid coffee, Sunblest bread and a toaster where some cnut has mixed the knives so there's Marmite in the Nutella making the resulting jar reminiscent of
@jarrod248 's **** offerings. Just to add insult to injury, the mess staff usually fukc with you by putting fresh marmalade out every Monday but refusing to do the decent thing with the nutty-choco toast confection until it needs replenishing leading to impotent rage amongst the more grown up members of the mess and a discussion amongst the YOs about whether you should commit the "fund" on offer to the brave soul prepared to go balls-deep in the camp howler to whoever eats the top scrape of the offending yeast infected spread.
Officers. We have it tough.