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Officer Stories

#1
Ok, lets act like the toms we are and have some officer bitching/incompitancy stories.

I'll start us off

2ic, obviously disorinitated, jumps off helicopter, with pistol and compass drawn, shouts "follow me!" and proceeds to run off in wrong direction. Naturally, the men go the other way

Same man asks a german soldier "sprecken ze deutch?"

Another officer stands and watches me and another private fill in a two man trench. When I ask for a spade from the other tom he corrects me with "shovel". Oh is it? why don't you come down here instead of watching and we'll go all green jacket on you! C*nt.
 
#2
I am Pln Sgt when a we get a new Pln Cmdr join us. He wants to meet the boys sort of formally to introduce himself, so I get them all paraded in a lecture theatre.

New boss starts giving his spiel by Saying "Good morning gentlemen I am pleased to meet.....My Name is Mr D**** - H****, but that is a bit of a mouthfull and you can call me DH.....

At which point a clearly audible "*********" is heard from the back and entire Pln are fighting back the sniggers.

How I kept it together myself fukc knows.
 
#8
A certain Celtic UOTC company had a newly promoted subby. Rumour goes that the CSM (long term regular/ta bloke) took a parade. New subby took afront, since he was 'the senior person in the company', and it was his responsibility to 'inspect the troops'. Wrote a stinking email to the RSM....

Much hilarity ensued. :)
 
#9
troopy calls the lads together 4 a chat....."im not happy someone has stolen my helmet out of my office, that means this place was insecure on thursday not happy "
one of the toms piped up "but u were the only 1 in on thursday sir"
much sniggering later
"thats not the point" the red faced rodney says
so what was the point then? admin case
 
#10
musicalmarvin said:
A certain Celtic UOTC company had a newly promoted subby. Rumour goes that the CSM (long term regular/ta bloke) took a parade. New subby took afront, since he was 'the senior person in the company', and it was his responsibility to 'inspect the troops'. Wrote a stinking email to the RSM....

Much hilarity ensued. :)
Real Officers, not pissed up students who have no idea about anything, c0ck!
 
#12
i was running a range and the CO wanted to shoot. He came striding in to the office and demanded i sign a weapon out of the armoury for him. " Ok sir" I said, to which he replied "Oh, and make sure it's zero'd for me, theres a good chap!"
What a chopper.
 
#13
theoban said:
i was running a range and the CO wanted to shoot. He came striding in to the office and demanded i sign a weapon out of the armoury for him. " Ok sir" I said, to which he replied "Oh, and make sure it's zero'd for me, theres a good chap!"
What a chopper.
Err, shouldn't he .. well .... um .. know about 'zeroing' ?. How can you be CO of anything if you're that deficient in basics?.
 
#14
unknownone said:
Actually I like TA officers-I had a relationship with one once although he was s*** in bed. Still STABS though…
And gay as well presumably?

Right gents and ladies, what's going on. Over 1,000 views since this thread started on May 28th and barely any funnies - surely the Officer Corps can't be that close to perfection?
 
#15
Oh God no........Squadron inspection by the OC prior to Hohne ranges, a certain Sqn had recently converted to Scim from Scorp. OC into the immaculate(ish) turret,parks his arrse on gunners seat, "where the feck is the FFP"
"Err just to the left of your nose Sir "

My feet never touched.......................... 8O
 
#16
My mate, a spartan driver in the 80's was on excercise driving the new troopy, going down a road he was told by the troopy over the intercom to "pull over...NOW!" he pulled over thinking the troopy had spotted something, sat, waited, then asked the troopy what was up, he got no reply so he sits up and looks around in the back to see no troopy, then he stood up and saw the said troopy legging it across a field because the spartan had caught fire!
 
#17
I'm sure that there have been some good wind-ups played on new subbies by NCOs.

The initial attempt to send me out on patrol in XMG with a BFA didn't work. However that simply led to further frenzied plotting and (predictably) massive escalation. A great deal of effort and ingenuity went into its successor stunt - mocking up a suicide attempt by one of the Jocks followed by him being marched into my office at speed, kness shoulder high accompanied by shrieking of orders and abuse. The Coy's NCOs, led by the CSM, solemnly advised me he'd committed a military offence and insisted that I charge him.

Having only been with the Bn a week... I did.

Straight from PCD. One lonely pip. One lost nervous subbie. Perfect prey.

Bastards!
 
#18
ScenarioLast week of a particularly bad Ex Summer Sales (C) 1975
LocationRover Park, **Armd Bde HQ Main, South Bank of Mitteland Kanal.
Dramatis Personae:

1. Capt "Cholmondely Warner" SO3 Int Recently arrived from a thouroughly nice Cav regiment, sorely missing his driver batman and deeply enamoured with his new badge of office : his " officer's valise".

2. CPL M*** B*****, northern grammer school lad, with whom the previous LI SO3 had deduced, was not going to get involved with such trifles as an " officer's valise"

Enter: Capt CW, rover park left: CPL B ! have you put my valise in the trailer?

Cpl B: No Sir!
Capt CW Then where is it ??
Cpl B( indicates nearby water feature) I think if you look over there Sir, you can just see it floating off towards Hannover.

Enter Int WO, ( with suppressed giggles, duty tab stuck on lower lip) Right CPL B, endex!! lets get back to M****n before the G3 clerks.

Exit all through woods into darkness. G3 Clerks follow; towing trailer upside down, in RAOC traditional "wheels in air" position.
 

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