Offensive language in the workplace


Book Reviewer
Offensive Language In The Work Place

It has been brought to my attention that certain individuals have been using foul and offensive language during the execution of their duties. Due to the rising level of complaints from others who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. However, I am conscious of the need for individuals to be able to express themselves clearly. With this in mind, I have drawn up a list of code phrases as replacements for the offending terms. These are to be used with immediate effect.

Old Phrase New Phrase
No Fcuking Way I’m fairly sure that that’s not feasible.
You’re fcuking kidding? Really, is that true?
Tell someone who gives a fcuk Have you run that one by your manager?
I don’t have the fcuking time Perhaps I could work late.
Who fcuking cares? Are you sure that’s a problem?
Eat $hit and die You don’t say.
Eat $hit and die motherfcuker You don’t say, sir.
Kiss my arrse So, would you like my help?
You haven’t got a fcuking clue You could use some training.
What sort of fcukwit are you? You’re new here aren’t you?
This place is all fcuked up We’re a little disorganised today
You’re a fcuking wakner You’re my boss and I respect you.
Fcuk off I’ll look into it and get back to you.
Fcuk off dikchead I no longer require your assistance
How the fcuk did you get that to work? Well done
You fcuking loser You were very unfortunate there.
It’s all bollokcs I simply don’t understand, and you can do it
Go fcuk yourself Sorry, I’m not familiar with that system
You fcuking arrselicker Aren’t you the project leader?
Now you fcuking tell me That seems to be a recent development
Fcuk me This comes as a bit of a surprise
Just fcuking do it Can you give this matter some urgency?
Some common ones have been missed:

This f*cking system's shite!: I use a Microsoft operating system
The f*cking thing's crashed again!: I use a Microsoft operating system
For f*ck's sake print, you useless machine!: I use a Microsoft operating system
Will you p1ss off, you bl00dy annoying paper-clip thing!: I use a Microsoft operating system

And you should see the look on my line-manager's face when I use obscene language like "overtime" or "holiday".

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