Offending the god botherers

Probably best not to borrow a sharp knife from them for the human sacrifice then.
 
Back on to the subject of God bothering. One of our friends, of the religious persuasion, has invited us for a family dinner on October 31st as she doesn't want her kids out trick or treating (nor, I expect, reading Harry Potter or watching Paul Daniels). Obviously I fear the wrath of my 4 year old far more than I do that of our Lord and will be donning a pointy hat and riding a broom stick around the village.
We had quite fun evenings. We'd pin up a few paintings, Breughel and the like showing the damned descending into the eternal flames, and then put bowls full of Jelly Babies around the room. Not the normal ones but those ones filled with blackcurrant juice that runs down your face when you bite them in half - do you know the ones I mean? Then we'd put on the BBC Sound Effects records of the screams of the anguished, don devil suits, turn on the flickering red lights, and enact a morality play about the fate of Trick-or-Treaters come Judgement Day. Great fun!

They thought it was much better than having to check for rat poison and broken glass in sweets garnered from total strangers. Still, if you're willing to place your child's life in the hands of psychopaths, axe murderers, extinction rebels, and deranged little old ladies with too many cats, who am I to judge?

My wife has given me strict instructions to play nice (she seems to be doing this with alarming frequency as I get older) so I am wondering how I can drop into conversation that I am a devotee of Aleister Crowley and intend to be performing a Gnostic Mass on the 31st whilst, seemingly, making a polite apology for our absence.
Not a problem. Were quite liberal in my Church. Why I'd probably bring a few of the congregation round to join in your festivities. "Go ahead, brothers and sisters,", I'd say, "Feel free to join in with the poor benighted heathens. Kill them all. The Lord will know his own!



Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk
 
It wouldn't be quite so bad if my brain had even the most rudimentary grasp of something called 'organization' and didn't have an overwhelming tendency to go "Ooh! Shiny" every time a squirrel runs past the window.
The thing that worries me here, is the fact you have shiny squirrels in your neighbourhood.
 
Back on to the subject of God bothering. One of our friends, of the religious persuasion, has invited us for a family dinner on October 31st as she doesn't want her kids out trick or treating (nor, I expect, reading Harry Potter or watching Paul Daniels). Obviously I fear the wrath of my 4 year old far more than I do that of our Lord and will be donning a pointy hat and riding a broom stick around the village.

My wife has given me strict instructions to play nice (she seems to be doing this with alarming frequency as I get older) so I am wondering how I can drop into conversation that I am a devotee of Aleister Crowley and intend to be performing a Gnostic Mass on the 31st whilst, seemingly, making a polite apology for our absence.
Chuck in a but of Gerald Gardner and Doreen Valiente for added spice.
 
We had quite fun evenings. We'd pin up a few paintings, Breughel and the like showing the damned descending into the eternal flames, and then put bowls full of Jelly Babies around the room. Not the normal ones but those ones filled with blackcurrant juice that runs down your face when you bite them in half - do you know the ones I mean? Then we'd put on the BBC Sound Effects records of the screams of the anguished, don devil suits, turn on the flickering red lights, and enact a morality play about the fate of Trick-or-Treaters come Judgement Day. Great fun!

They thought it was much better than having to check for rat poison and broken glass in sweets garnered from total strangers. Still, if you're willing to place your child's life in the hands of psychopaths, axe murderers, extinction rebels, and deranged little old ladies with too many cats, who am I to judge?

Not a problem. Were quite liberal in my Church. Why I'd probably bring a few of the congregation round to join in your festivities. "Go ahead, brothers and sisters,", I'd say, "Feel free to join in with the poor benighted heathens. Kill them all. The Lord will know his own!



Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk

^ This!
 
My wife has given me strict instructions to play nice (she seems to be doing this with alarming frequency as I get older) so I am wondering how I can drop into conversation that I am a devotee of Aleister Crowley and intend to be performing a Gnostic Mass on the 31st whilst, seemingly, making a polite apology for our absence.
In this case it would be good manners to send your RSVP stapled to a dead crow's wing.
 
The thing that worries me here, is the fact you have shiny squirrels in your neighbourhood.
It's a posh neighbourhood. Even the squirrels use Acqua Di Parma conditioner and, well, they live rough.

Fighty little things though, often getting into furballs with one another. The one that lives in my ash tree - you'll simply love what it's done with the place - has obviously been watching me, as I've even seen it shouting at pigeons. When I see this, I like to pick up a bottle of Buckfast (good blokes, those Benedictines - support your local monastery, I say) and stand in the garden yelling "Good for you, Father. Bloody pigeons, coming over here and dumping on our cars. Good for you. Pigeons invented gayness!".

Given that our area is synonymous with LBGTXQRN++, to the extent that I sometimes wonder if I'm the only cisgender adult male within 10 kiloparsecs, this obviously goes down like a lead balloon, but the bottle of buckies tends to act as a deterrent against tut-tutting or calling the hate crime hotline. If it doesn't then I stagger over to the wall, stare them in the eye, growl "Shto?" and then go full Vysotsky on them - who needs a pack of wild dogs to set on 'em when you can channel Vladimir and play the vodka-fuelled Russian card?


And the squirrel gets a master class in pigeon-shouting. :)
 

ugly

LE
Moderator
I always tick the prefer not to say box on applications about race, sexuality and religeon. Its frankly none of their business!
Dont label me.
 
New 'eRosary' bracelet only $109



What a colossal load of old bollocks, a bead bracelet, for £85, FFS made out of cheap plastic, constructed by minimum wage idiots, and pushed as a aid to the afterlife ( we are still waiting for solid tangible evidence) by the biggest collection of con merchants since,... Well,..... ever!...... The reprehensible conning the gullible.
 
What a colossal load of old bollocks, a bead bracelet, for £85, FFS made out of cheap plastic, constructed by minimum wage idiots, and pushed as a aid to the afterlife by the biggest collection of con merchants since, Well, ever! The reprehensible conning the gullible.
It seems to be intended only for the affluent followers of the idol cult.
 
What a colossal load of old bollocks, a bead bracelet, for £85, FFS made out of cheap plastic, constructed by minimum wage idiots, and pushed as a aid to the afterlife ( we are still waiting for solid tangible evidence) by the biggest collection of con merchants since,... Well,..... ever!...... The reprehensible conning the gullible.
Looks good. I might get the eRosary Pro that's currently under development. I hear it's got a built-in taser and an AI that recognizes the ungodly, giving a really great user experience when used together with the "Smite A Sinner!" app. It's also got a hefty 40000 millismite-hour battery and a standard USB C port for ease of recharge between smites, so there's no danger of missing out on bagging Richard Dawkins should he happen to be on the same train.

... Um, out of idle interest, does anybody know where Higgsy hangs out these days?
 
It seems to be intended only for the affluent followers of the idol cult.
Thou kiddest me. Ever been to a sink estate and noticed how many top-of-the-range iPhones and Samsungs there are?

I'm classed as 'affluent' because I've got a nice house in a nice part of town. Yet my kids are pleased because I've just upgraded daughter's phone to an iPhone 8 and elder son to a Moto G7, which means younger son got to replace his 2nd hand Note 2 with daughter's previous iPhone SE.

I'll have to dig out a couple of Arduino Tinies and some Christmas decorations if I want an eRosary (not that my sort of Christian really goes in for that sort of thing). Still, I might pop down to the local Jesuit shop and see what they've got in stock. Maybe get a bit off for cash ...
 
Last edited:

Latest Threads

Top