Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, May 30, 2006.

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  1. I went for a pint with my brother the other night. He's just been made redundant, but is quite happy about it. He got a big pay off and starts a new job at the end of June. I asked him what he said in the elbow interview. He said, that after they'd dropped the bombshell, they said 'Do you have any questions?' His response was,

    "Is there a World Cup Wallchart on the back of the cheque?"

    So I had to go for a pint with someone, with a load of dosh and a month off. The fcuker was buzzing. As a few more people came in and congratulated/commiserated with him, the conversation veered towards our number one pastime, the art of the thrap. My brother told us about a bloke at his last job, who was the self proclaimed king of 'Oddbodding'

    "What the fcuk is Oddbodding?" says I.

    "Aaaaahh Convoy, you see, you don't know everything about wa-nking, just almost everything." He then explained.

    Oddbodding is the practice of constructing wa-nking strength anecdotes or scenarios from little or no material. It gets it's name from the popular character in the film Carry On Screaming, who is created by Jon Pertwee using only the finger of Oddbod senior. It's proponents can demonstrate a superhuman ability, in which they concoct the most unlikely mental-porn-film collages from the most innocuous encounters with femalekind.

    I'd never heard of a handle actually being laid on this practice, but realised that I am an enthusiastic, though unknowing adherent to it's principles. Yes, I sometimes opt for the more obvious choices available to the discerning onanist, like Razzle and my copy of Chasey loves Rocco, but it's also important to keep ones hand in for the drought periods when the dvd player isn't working or I can't get the nerve up to buy filth from the newsagents. At these times, Oddbodding skills are essential. I recently used a photocopier, to save myself writing something out 150 times. When I went to use it, I found that another person, a woman, had beaten me to it. She was nice looking and smiled at me, pausing her photocopying to say kindly "I'll just be a minute. I've only got a couple left to do."

    That very evening I had Oddbodded the experience. Because her face was nice, but her body showed imperfections, I transferred her swede on to Chasey Lain's body. I then proceeded to have a good milk on the strength of her "only got a couple left to do" statement, morphing her words to imbue them with a sexual loading entirely absent from the original conversation. Now that this practice has been accorded a title, I intend to see how far I can push it. I want to find out just what is the flimsiest amount of grumble material that can allow me to knock one out.

    I would be interested to hear of other arrsers experiences in this field.
  2. Ah yes, I believe that this practice (as mentioned by convoy) is performed almost subconciously by most blokes.
    The main training ground in Oddbodding is the teenage years, when frantic milking is the order of the day (I distinctly remember saying to myself whilst lying in bed one night "I'll just have another 5 thraps before getting my head down.)
    Anyway, during these halcyon days of uber aggressive milsching, I was staying at my mates house and his mum asked me if I wanted a cup of tea. Later that night I imagined her sneaking into my room and bringing in the "cup of tea" that she had earlier enquired about, swiftly followed by a mammoth oral session mit facial. I should point out at this juncture that I was seriously into readers wifes and 40+ at the time, so I doubt if my brain was functioning normally.
    Still, was it not Saint Peter in his letter to the Corinthians that wrote-
    'Yet lo unto the holy land from wenst the lord came, for was he not just the son of our lord, but a man also? And did he not suffer on the cross as would a man, and did he not die like a man, and didst he not geteth wood and have one off the wrist at the meerest 'hello' from a tasty bird?
    And was it not Judas the betrayer who caughteth our lord having a danger wnak in back of the Div command wagon after catching the eye of a fishing maiden at NAAFI break? '
  3. Sounds interesting and something, as previously mentioned, that we all may have done subconciously, gonna have to give it a whirl once this lass in the office buggers off!
  4. RTFQ


    It is very important that you don't get 'Oddbodding' confused with 'Oldboying' - the former involves powerful imagination-based wanking, whereas the latter involves beating many people to death with a hammer and [spoiler warning!] inadvertantly fucking your daughter [/spoiler warning!].

    Yes, i'm aware I just referenced obscure Korean cinema on arrse. Before my taxi arrives, here's my tuppence. That sounds rude.

    My sexual imagination has been stunted by opting for the easy solution (buying porn) during tours and prolonged duty periods. As a result I can no longer simply close my eyes and conjure up the requisite images of caligulan phlangefests and power outages in the BluePeter studio when i'm the only one with NVGs and a tazer. It's therefore certainly a no-goer for me to imagine the butty lady handing me a warm pasty with enough erotic meaning to enable wood.

    In times of drought, all i need is a sheet of A4 and a 2B pencil. If I concentrate, i can actually sketch a pretty scene when I want to - lights and bushels etc - and it's surprising what I can come up with (so to speak) when i've been denied meaningful female contact for a week or so and the grot is restricted to pre-regime change propaganda posters of burly factory women making T-34s out of their bra underwiring. I surprise myself sometimes - my inability to draw animals thankfully keeps things fairly 'vanilla', but when all you've got for inspiration is the user pam for the MILAN missile and a poorly lasercopied cover of a pirated SClub7 CD, it's amazing what combinations thereof can be conceived.

    The trouble is, I can draw women's faces side-on really well, but face on they either look butch or like aliens. As a result I always end up throwing myself about the place to something that looks like a egyptian heiroglyphic rendition of the Houston 500. That's not so bad in itself, but after 6 months of it, I come home to find myself unable to look head on at a woman, like some sort of skittish horse. And let me tell you, asking a woman to stand in profile to you while they look at you out of the corner of their eye puts a right kybosh on the ritual of courtship.

    Did I share too much?

  5. "Lass in the office buggers"...thrapp thrapp thrappp....thrapp slappp thrapp..
  6. excellent cinematic knowledge RTFQ, I hope you don't "oddbod" with Mr Hoskins "Yooooooooo SLAAAAAAAAAG"

    I find myself frankensteining the best bits of all the birds I've diddle into the perfect auto erotic imagery.

    It can get quite taxing mentally holding the images though, many a vinegar stroke has been spoilt by "twisty eyed sallys" gap toothed heed returning to its rightful place on her, unaturally essence body
  7. I must say that i'm well impressed at your artistic abilities in the erotisch medium.

    It was my belief that squaddies were extremely limited in this field. Going by the anecdotal evidence on show in every trap owned by the MOD, I assumed that members of HM forces were capable of drawing only:

    A rudimentary co-ck and balls ensemble, complete with triple sperm-teardrop accoutrement.

    An extremely primitive representation of the female parts. These were usually on display in a legs akimbo style, featuring a prodigious bush and were usually accompanied by an unlikely speech bubble comment like 'i'm Miss World, have a good skeg at my fa-nny'.' The absolute pinnacle of achievement in this contemporary cave art was when the woman was drawn around an existing hole in the toilet wall, creating an orifice, suitable for the sexual attention of storemen and cooks.

    As for Oddboddery, much of my early attempts in this field were inspired by the low quality Rob Lowe vehicle, Youngblood, where he plays an aspiring hockey player. His landlady, a woman of mature years, but youthful needs, takes a shine to him and shags the fcuk out of him at every opportunity. Ever since that moment, I have Oddbodded every single time that I have stayed in a B and B or hotel. I wonder if the bird at the front desk of the Castle Green hotel in Kendal knows how many porn films she's starred in?

    Even the old bag who ran that 40 peso a night B and B we stayed in in Blackpool on a stag do didn't escape my attentions. Having flobbed out after a hard nights drinking, I thought i'd treat myself to a nice semi-on pull before I nodded off. In the absence of anything more suitable, I created a drama, straight out of the League of Gentlemen, that involved the sag-titted old witch from downstairs coming up with a brew, then noshing me off tenaciously, whilst I tried not to look at her.

  8. RTFQ


    Don't get me wrong, I can knock up a bloke poking his head above the wall asking "Wot No 1033?" like the best of them. i've even been known to tell a rather amusing pictoral story about a bloke bending over to pick his milkbottles up whilst his got no kecks on. How we laughed.

    Bizarrely, i have a similar feeling when i stay at old pubs, but that's to do with The Wicker Man, not Youngblood. And sneaker pimps - long story.

  9. ... You B*st*rd!
  10. When it comes to drawing a lady's growler on bog walls, I prefer to add an unnaturally large puddle of unidentifiable fanny discharge.
    But anyway, back to odd bodding, I must agree that the ageing, Bett Lynch style, uber uddered, carnally ravenous landlady- regardless of her dour real-life behaviour, is the bed rock of oddbodding. Especially for all those whose job condemns them to a life of watching 8 inch portable TVs and eating take aways in the nations B&Bs.

    However, in military terms, I think the ultimate Oddbod material comes from life as a junior soldier, and the female education corps officers. Even being gripped by one of these 'lovelies' could induce frenzied thrapping as in my mind the disciplinary tables would turn in mid chastisement and go from a verbal 'telling off' into vigorous noshing.
  11. LOL :lol:
  12. [​IMG]

    Before continuing with the thread, I feel it necessary to point something out. I've just had a good look through the galleries, gazing at the various arrsemiddens on show, and have to say, the portrait above would appear somewhere near the top of a 'most desirable on arrse' list.

    As for the education corps ladies, I was far too class conscious as a young apprentice to even entertain thoughts of these unattainable vixens even in my wildest oddbodding moments. I remember an occasion when one of them chastised a classmate for swearing in her maths lesson. When she threatened to 'slap his bottom' the noise of 23, 17 year old lads spontaneously ejaculating into their lightweights could be heard in Knaresborough.

    I had to settle on fan-ny that was more within the reach of my imagination, choosing to oddbod the naafi bird who made the tuna doorstops.

    I'd forgotten about the non-specific liquid puddle below the splayed Jack and Danny. I could almost be back at Westdown camp bogs now, falling about laughing in trap three, as I tried to eat my ploughmans pasty whilst expunging a weeks supply of Menu D.
  13. And who said men can't multi-task?

    Convoy, I had a similar incident to yourself with an education corps bird threatening to slap me. My instant wood came about with such ferocity, it emitted an electromagnetic pulse that shut down Menwith Hill, delayed a shuttle launch and provided an excuse for poor HF comms for the following 15 years.
  14. I never realised this had a name. My recent experiance of this has been with the midwives coming round to visit the mrs. They ask some bizarre questions, including stuff like "is your vaginal smell starting to return to normal". My mind went nuts and I started to visualise her having a check sniff and a quick lick, followed by a lesbian floor show.

    She looks an absolute gem for a 38 year old who's banged out three kids.
  15. Fairly new to midwifery then?