Kweku Adoboli: "Hello der, is dat UBS recruiting?"
UBS: "Ja, this iz Herr Short Cutting of UBS, how may I helpen you?"
Kweku Adoboli: "I am wishing to apply for a placement of employability with you."
UBS: "This is no big problem, can you email your CV?"
Kweku Adoboli: " I no have a CV, but I have a business plan that involves my Father. He is the General in charge of the Foreign Ministry, he has access to $1.4 billion, but cannot move it without an overseas third party. You would of course make 10% of this sum if we, I mean, he could use your bank."
UBS: "Zis is sehr interesting, tell me more."
Kweku Adoboli: "More."
UBS: "Most excellent Mr Adoboli, when can you start?"
Kweku Adoboli: "I've already started...PRAISE BE TO THE LORD."
He invested 1 Billion in his dads bike shop which went bust! oh well not really but you get the idea, I have a funny feeling some people will be toasting him in a bar before they go for a spin in their brand new Mercs, I think Im on to something here think Ill put in for his old job.
But weren't you all moved when he burst in to tears when being charged? Tears for doing wrong? tears for getting caught? tears in anticipation of what is going to happen to him when he finishes a derisory term in nick? Considering switerland's one-time reputation for financial probity (as well as the ability to hang on to oodles of dodgy dosh....allegedly) I reckon UBS' own goons are going to measure laddo for a bespoke concrete suit.
How the feck does someone with two years experience get his hands on a billion - the little mongs that work for me have to get their purchase orders for staples and A4 paper signed off in triplicate and still they feck it up on a regular basis.