Odd news items

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by DEEFER, Sep 13, 2005.

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  1. English idiot John Balgavis has been jailed for over a year after trying to hold up a village store in Devon armed with a mars bar.


    Johns lawyer said it was obviously a joke gone wrong. If his client hard really wanted to rob the shop he would have used one of those really big Toblerones, or a swan off polly waffle.

    The shopkeeper said he would have defended himself, but he'd just sold a bag on mixed sweets containing the last of his bullets.

    But there's nothing funny about holding up a shop with a mars bar. Now if he'd used a Magnum ice-cream, that would have layer upon layer of irony.

    Sadly, prison authorities won't let john take his Mars Bar into jail. But he will be allowed to keep his freckle.

    he'll be needing it.....................................
  2. heres another one - B&B with S&M

    In Paris, the childhood home of the Marquis De Sade is being turned into a bed and breakfast chateau, catering to those who share the same fantasies.

    A recent review in Fetish Monthly summed it up: "The beds are uncomfortable, the people who work there are rude and aggressive and the food is s*it. Five stars!"

    There have been some problems with the breakfast, though. One patron had to send his enema back because it was cold.

    Or if you prefer the more traditional fare, you can have your eggs fried, scrambled, poached, whipped, humiliated or walked on in stilettos.

    The toast is alway burnt before being spread, rather like the guests.

    Patrons are asked not to bring children. They can be ordered through room service.

    The bad news is, the idea has not been a success. Guests can't tell the difference between a bed & breakfast run by sadists and a B&B run by regular French people.
  3. Ex president Clinton wants to be the new kid on the rock.

    He is encouraging supporters to campaign for his head to be carved in granite on mount Rushmore along side Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt.

    But a Bill Clinton monument would be expensive. For historical accuracy, they would have to face it inwards between a huge pair of perfectly chiselled breasts.

    3 years ago the trustees of Mt Rushmore turned down a move to add Ronald Reagan's head. It was too much hard work having to make it hollow.

    White House insiders say the Mt Rushmore thing might be Hillary's idea. She hopes that his face 20 metres high in South Dakota will stop Bill trying to get a little head in every other State.
  4. One smart businessman has started selling chocolate replicas of Evander Hollywood's bitten ear. After studying a video of that "bite to the finish" match, he came up with a life sized mould and started knocking out the chocolates.

    But not everyone likes the idea. One enraged fan has started going round and attacking the vehicles that are selling them.

    Police are looking for an Evander ear vendor van bender!.
  5. apologies to Elvis fans in advance.

    16 August 1997 - Elvis took his last bow.

    And his last dose of Percodam, Valium, Demerol, Butabarbitol, Dilaudid, Valmid, Aventyl, Elavil, Placidyl, Amytal, Penobarbital, Morphine, Codeine,Dexedrine, Biphetamine and Quaaludes.

    A great part of the USA died that day. The part that manufactures Cadillacs, hand guns and pork products.

    In july 76 the King weighed 250 pounds. When he died, he was up to 260. Using this formula, after 20 years he would have weighed 33 stone. Of course there are Elvis sightings ! you couldn't miss him !

    At that size, the economies of entire third world countries depend on him just having lunch.

    In fact, he might BE a third world country ! Has anyone counted all those little islands in the Philippines lately ?
  6. Chinese scientists have invented a new form of contraception which kills sperm by sticking an electronic device in a man's underwear.

    Now if a girls asks you if you have protection, she's just making sure you're earthed.

    The device is precision crafted to fit comfortably next to the penis, and is available at leading electronic shops everywhere.

    Most men will probably only need to power it with a couple of Double-A s , but some of us are going to have a car battery hanging off our belts.

    The only question is, if your battery does go flat, where exactly do you attach the jumper leads.

    To be rendered sterile for a month, you must apply the device for an hour for 12 months, apply for 10 hours, or give your testicles a five minute blast in the microwave.

    The Chinese government says good old-fashioned democracy is to thank for the electronic underpants. If there hadn't been so many democratic protesters in Tiananmen Square, they would never have got enough volunteers for the early trials