Oath of allegiance, 2007


I, Crabby, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the Royal Air

Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines

frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done

by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear

not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bleep test as

a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Crown, even though I believe myself to be

above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name

because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy

the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those

around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my (hehe) "basic training," I will be a lean, mean,

doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Sick Bay

Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an

effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with

it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look

good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.

I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those

whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________


I, Pongo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the British

Army because I couldn't score high enough on the entrance test to get into

the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Royal Marines, and the Royal

Navy won't take me because I can't swim or read.

I will wear CS95's every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I

can't figure out how to use Twisters. I will promise to tell myself every

day that I am a fierce killing machine because the RSM told me I am, despite

the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual


I acknowledge the fact that I will make L/Cpl in my first year of service,

and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After

completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a

different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I

did when I left.

On my first leave after basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose

to my sixth form girlfriend. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let

her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy.

Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely

nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because

of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the

"section." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will

help me get a job in civi street, and will end up working in security at

Tesco with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the

Army giving me ?1500 for education, but will be unable to use it because I

can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________


I, Popeye, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my

life to the Royal Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without

actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too

gay and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my

name stenciled on the arse of every item of clothing I own. I understand

that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for

the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language

than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck,

bulkhead, lid, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet."

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and

insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from

the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am

mates with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up

in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each

fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to

submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found

"colleagues." So help me Neptune.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________


I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...hard-and-fast...

grunt... Green Lid... ugh... WRNS.... HOORAH!

So help me Corps.

Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________

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