Nutting turds

Me and the frau had a domestic of epic proportions last night, resulting in an evening of petty snipes, mudslinging and general pettyness.

Rather than kip in the spare room I decided to be a martyr and slept fully clothed on the couch.

This morning at 07:20 I was awoken to one of the most revolting reveille's since my days of serving. My little one had got herself out of bed, come downstairs, got herself a biscuit and decided she needed the potty.

She managed, without the aid of an adult, remove her pyjama's and squat on her plastic throne..... moments later I was awoken by a trickling of early morning baby p1ss all over my sleeping, slavver soak face.. Of course I immediatly woke up and my trained killer instinct failed to take over and I was clueless were I was or what was being poured on me..... I bolted upright and banged my bonce off the edge of the potty freeing the miniature king richard that was stuck to the bottom, this hit me on the forehead, broke in two and fell on the couch after following the contours of my face on thier downward journey....... in my attempt to break free and run like fcuk I put my hand in it releasing a stench comparable to the inside of an alcoholics arrse.

She found it truly hillarious, and if I'm honest once I got a shower and cleaning the earth kitt up I also saw the funny side...... But I shook her unconcious as a precautionary measure

Any other arrsers been awoken via the gift of having someones innards being dumped on them?


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It is good to see that you are training the fruit of your loins in the correct manner.

However, your personal drills are definitely lacking and require a lot more training. I would suggest that you repair to the practice gound (ie your local pub) for further remedial training.


Dale the snail said:
Why didn't you go to a Travelodge this time?
They haven't cleaned the semen up since you entertained the USMC, they said it could take weeks, but that you were doing a two hour shift and had instructed the cleaning staff to leave the thick congealed bits for you to scoff.

BTW the receptionist said you were rancid with awful skin.

Back on topic: as the earthe travelled down my face, it momentarily touched my top lip

SKJOLD said:
If you were the man in the house, you would've made her sleep on the couch.
Large screen TV in front of couch and a wild geese DVD should explain
Not a sh it story, but minging all the same.....

When my son was a young, bouncing baby he enjoyed being lifted up and being coo'ed at.

I returned from work one evening, but unbeknown to me my son had not long been fed his bottle.

As I lifted him up and did the traditional "coochey coochey coo-ing", he very kindly released a gallon of regurgitated cow and gate straight over my grid.

The combination of formula milk and baby's stomach lining was enough to send me over the edge, and after drop kicking the kid back into the arms of his father, I stumbled blindly with eyes caked in puke and dry heaving to the bathroom.

Now for those who haven't yet been graced with the gift of noisy and expensive, ungrateful children let me tell you - the stench of baby puke was created by beelzebub himself.

I never knew that stuff could burn the inside of your nostrils....but trust me it does.

Oh yeah, and I learnt the hard way about changing baby boys nappies - piss goes up..... at just the right height to the mouth and chin.

I didn't have anymore children, I decided I didnt really like the dirty little feckers.
Anyway, to summarise: Your wife makes you sleep on the sofa, and your daughter has just emptied her sh*t bucket over your head.

It must be great being a well-loved family man :D
MDN it could've been worse... could've been meconium, be grateful they grow out of it or else you would've found a new mud pack for your beauty regime :\\
Bossdog said:
You keep your kids potty on the couch?

Large screen TV in front of couch and a wild geese DVD should explain
He was wearing the potty on his head like the tin helmet he was issued in his National service year.

His active service as the driver of the Jack Wagon on Op Granby is a true reflection of the character Witter the bent medic in the Wild Geese.

"Come on now you big boys Ive got something for you....."
MDN, what you have omitted to tell everyone is that your "little one" turns fifteen next month. In cases like this, Supernanny recommends that one sh!ts randomly around the house when the missus is out, and blames it on the child. This technique worked for me, up until my surprise fortieth.
An ex - mrs Morty (not the most recent) once p*ssed herself while we were asleep in my bed. I was only young and made a big deal about it, if I had been older and wiser I would have taken the oppurtunity to involve her in some violent watersport action. But I didn't.

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