Right. I'm sat here on a government-sponsored holiday (that's what most people think, anyway).

Bar's shut. Still got a G&T. But I bought 2 packets of nuts.

There's the problem.

I can't open them.

I've tried pulling the seam apart but there's no joy - grip is evidently not what it used to be. I've tried slitting the top without success. Likewise the side.

I'm on my own. What can I do? The only tools available seem to be a stick of polystyrene cups.

I could probably stamp on them, but there's a psychological barrier against stamping on my own nuts.

It's lonely here. Internet connection is slow. Lights don't work. G&T is going down. BUT I CAN'T GET MY HANDS ON MY NUTS!

Stick the edge of the packet under the chair and pull the rest away. Usually works for me when I've had one too many.
Smash off a small shard from the G&T glass. Use this to slit your wrists and eyeballs. Call ambulance. When the paramedics arrive they'll have shears. Ask them nicely.............
You could always ask your Mum to do it.


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Squirrel walts.
Thanks for the suggestions so far, but they aren't helping.

BA - the chair has collapsed. It's military furniture.

Mitch - Big D. Anything else and I wouldn't be posting this.

JJ - PRIORITIES! Bar is shut. Still got some G&T left (not much now - but can't take the risk).

WAIT! There's a microwave....
hedgehog64 said:
Save them for sunday supper.
You're not taking this seriously, are you?

I've got 5 minutes of battery life left. This is getting serious.

Nuke or no?
swallow the whole bag, either your body will bio degrade the wrapper and you may enjoy the contents, or, you will choke to death and have no further problem
There comes a point in life... when you are on your own mate....
Our thoughts are with you...
Over.... and out...

God its dusty in here...
Nuts and G+T I'm going off like a pack of pavlovs mutts you c.u.n.t
Just use your strong soldier's fingers to tear the packet, ah just seen this explains all...

"A volunteer is worth ten pressed men."
So, a TA battalion or nine Regular Guards battalions? Not a difficult choice, then.
Just keep flailing away with your podgy cake wielding fingers.

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