Nuts

#1
Right. I'm sat here on a government-sponsored holiday (that's what most people think, anyway).

Bar's shut. Still got a G&T. But I bought 2 packets of nuts.

There's the problem.

I can't open them.

I've tried pulling the seam apart but there's no joy - grip is evidently not what it used to be. I've tried slitting the top without success. Likewise the side.

I'm on my own. What can I do? The only tools available seem to be a stick of polystyrene cups.


I could probably stamp on them, but there's a psychological barrier against stamping on my own nuts.

It's lonely here. Internet connection is slow. Lights don't work. G&T is going down. BUT I CAN'T GET MY HANDS ON MY NUTS!

HELP!
 
#2
Stick the edge of the packet under the chair and pull the rest away. Usually works for me when I've had one too many.
 
#4
Smash off a small shard from the G&T glass. Use this to slit your wrists and eyeballs. Call ambulance. When the paramedics arrive they'll have shears. Ask them nicely.............
 
#6
You could always ask your Mum to do it.
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#8
Squirrel walts.
 
#9
Thanks for the suggestions so far, but they aren't helping.

BA - the chair has collapsed. It's military furniture.

Mitch - Big D. Anything else and I wouldn't be posting this.

JJ - PRIORITIES! Bar is shut. Still got some G&T left (not much now - but can't take the risk).


WAIT! There's a microwave....
 
#11
hedgehog64 said:
Save them for sunday supper.
You're not taking this seriously, are you?

I've got 5 minutes of battery life left. This is getting serious.

Nuke or no?
 
#12
DON'T PUT YOUR NUTS IN A MICROWAVE BECAUSE WHEN THEY GET TO TWO MINUT
 
#13
swallow the whole bag, either your body will bio degrade the wrapper and you may enjoy the contents, or, you will choke to death and have no further problem
 
#16
There comes a point in life... when you are on your own mate....
Our thoughts are with you...
Over.... and out...


God its dusty in here...
 
#18
Nuts and G+T I'm going off like a pack of pavlovs mutts you c.u.n.t
 
#20
Just use your strong soldier's fingers to tear the packet, ah just seen this explains all...

"A volunteer is worth ten pressed men."
So, a TA battalion or nine Regular Guards battalions? Not a difficult choice, then.
Just keep flailing away with your podgy cake wielding fingers.
 

Similar threads

Latest Threads

Top