Nuts

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by putteesinmyhands, Oct 2, 2009.

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  1. Right. I'm sat here on a government-sponsored holiday (that's what most people think, anyway).

    Bar's shut. Still got a G&T. But I bought 2 packets of nuts.

    There's the problem.

    I can't open them.

    I've tried pulling the seam apart but there's no joy - grip is evidently not what it used to be. I've tried slitting the top without success. Likewise the side.

    I'm on my own. What can I do? The only tools available seem to be a stick of polystyrene cups.


    I could probably stamp on them, but there's a psychological barrier against stamping on my own nuts.

    It's lonely here. Internet connection is slow. Lights don't work. G&T is going down. BUT I CAN'T GET MY HANDS ON MY NUTS!

    HELP!
     
  2. Stick the edge of the packet under the chair and pull the rest away. Usually works for me when I've had one too many.
     
  3. What nuts are they? Coco or Dough
     
  4. Smash off a small shard from the G&T glass. Use this to slit your wrists and eyeballs. Call ambulance. When the paramedics arrive they'll have shears. Ask them nicely.............
     
  5. Use your teeth for gods sake, they were designed to rip flesh apart so a bag of nuts shouldn`t be a problem :D
     
  6. You could always ask your Mum to do it.
     
  7. Why not try taking your hands off the keyboard and stop opening with your feet :D
     
  8. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Squirrel walts.
     
  9. Thanks for the suggestions so far, but they aren't helping.

    BA - the chair has collapsed. It's military furniture.

    Mitch - Big D. Anything else and I wouldn't be posting this.

    JJ - PRIORITIES! Bar is shut. Still got some G&T left (not much now - but can't take the risk).


    WAIT! There's a microwave....
     
  10. Save them for sunday supper.
     
  11. You're not taking this seriously, are you?

    I've got 5 minutes of battery life left. This is getting serious.

    Nuke or no?
     
  12. DON'T PUT YOUR NUTS IN A MICROWAVE BECAUSE WHEN THEY GET TO TWO MINUT
     
  13. swallow the whole bag, either your body will bio degrade the wrapper and you may enjoy the contents, or, you will choke to death and have no further problem
     
  14. nuke and pass it/them off as popcorn. :lol:
     
  15. Fuck the nuts......................... drink the G & T.

    Wotaknob.