Nut cases you have sh*gged

#1
Inspired by EOD's contribution to the Cuddles punch-up thread,I would be interested in member's experiences of dating/shagging lunatics.

I'll start the ball rolling with a nut case nurse from NSW who got a tattoo of my family crest on her bum after two dates and one shag.

I am sure this is tame compared with the antics of the harpies of the 'Shot or Collie, I await your stories.
 
#2
Inspired by EOD's contribution to the Cuddles punch-up thread,I would be interested in member's experiences of dating/shagging lunatics.

I'll start the ball rolling with a nut case nurse from NSW who got a tattoo of my family crest on her bum after two dates and one shag.

I am sure this is tame compared with the antics of the harpies of the 'Shot or Collie, I await your stories.
I was seeing a stripper from Wakefield while in Phase 2 training. Within 2 weeks she had bought me a car to get there at weekends and after 5 weeks announced to my family at my 21st birthday party that we were engaged and produced a ring from Argos!

Her time was definitely up the next week when she phoned me at 3 in the morning to say she had kissed 4 guys but it was ok because she told me straight away!!!
 
#3
My ex was so insecure that we didn't watch porn together because "you're comparing the male to me, aren't you, admit it!", I wasn't allowed to touch myself whilst we were shagging as I was implying he was crap and couldn't satisfy me and lastly if I went to the loo within half an hour of him cumming in me, it was because "you can't stand my spunk in you, can you?!!"



Admittedly, he was right on all counts...
 
#4
Eugh, I remember this crazy arsed, saggy titted German chick I pulled as a young 19 year old in the Pupasch Bar in Osnabruck in 1998. She was obsessed with my arse!.... Tongue, fingers, fists........

But could I touch her arse? Could I bollocks. Well, I was young and impressionable.
 
T

Tremaine

Guest
#5
Can we have "Nut cases we haven't shagged" instead? much easier, thanks. Mind you,there was the Turtle, when she's on her back she's farked. That 57 yr old weirdo had her bedroom done up all Egyptian, dressed like a teenager and I never made it in to her "dressing room" at the top of the stairs, never ever allowed in.
Perfectly preserved though, must have been mummified. One time she moaned that her husband brought tarts back from town for her to play with, then promptly asked me if I'd ever watched two women together and if not why not. The other was an attention deficit drain guzzling ginger giant who kept trying to fix up a threesome with her lardy mate. Both worked in the local council.
 
#6
I was working p/t as a doorman in a nightclub & had a Heinz 57 of experiences but one that did stick in my mind was one munter who said "I don't mind which hole you want to shag me in I've had an hysterectomy'. She was in her 20's FFS.
 
#7
I wasn't allowed to touch myself whilst we were shagging
I must admit. The first time, I had a bird do that! It freaked me out.....Fook, 'I'm not doing enough for her. Then I felt the sharp and slightly abrasive touch of her finger nails

I arrived, like an invasion. Then went to sleep................
 
#8
Don't know if this qualifies, although technically not a nut case - although she wanted to see me after 'the event'. She was a bit deformed, deformed in a bent neck kind of way, her head was too the side and slightly forward - hence the name we called her "bent neck."

Anyway, I was on course at another Corps school, and a bunch of WRAACs were undergoing their IET's, yep, amongst them was "bent neck", who as well as having her unsightly ways was also dog ugly. Anywho, the normal repartee amongst us blokes on who's going to knock the back out of who. I picked bent neck much to the piss taking that I copped. After a few days of wooing said goddess, finally, after closing time at the boozer I gets lucky.....shit where do I fuck this thing?

One of me mates drove his car to the course, it was a Mazda RX3, I get the keys and take Athena out of the base to a local footy ground, now, fucking in a Mazda RX3 is no mean treat, especially, when dealing with bucket seats and bent neck. After said event, the normal 'pillow' - read head-rest talk, she's suddenly falling madly head over heals in love with me *note to Grey Mafia: you could of had me*. Anyway, I quickly drive the forlorn hope back to the lines and hand back the keys to ol' mate.

Post Script to said event. Ol' mate didn't bother using his car till march out from course, it had all my man fat over the passengers seat covers (wool), and to say the car didn't hussle with the stench of fucking. Needless to say I owed shitloads of piss to ol' mate.
 
#9
A fairly recent one that I should have know about as I found her on Plenty Of Fish.
Woman from Chelmsford, who after the first time meeting up decided to travel the 4 hours up north to where I was on leave, then phone me and say she was in town.
I said I wasn't there that day so she books a hotel for the remaining week of my leave and waits for me. She's probably still there now come to mention it..
 
#10
I dated a dorris for three weeks, I knew her number was up after two and a half weeks when we went out with my sister and her husband! She & the bro in law went for a smoke at which point she declared her love with me to him & did the same in the toilets to my sister.

She didn't quite understand the marching order she'd been given and thus continued to pursue me... So as I was moving house I changed my mobile number at the same time and like a wallet on the pavement in Liverpool she vanished ... Or so I thought!!

Cut to 12 months later & despite having never been to my new house she was waiting for me when I got home one day. She turned up to my work & managed to con some idiot into giving her my new mobile number. Finally she claimed her 1 month old kid was mine.

She was completely crackers and a Shiite shag... So not worth the hassle!!
 
#11
I was working p/t as a doorman in a nightclub & had a Heinz 57 of experiences but one that did stick in my mind was one munter who said "I don't mind which hole you want to shag me in I've had an hysterectomy'. She was in her 20's FFS.
I had one, who didn't want to be made pregnant. ......... I had promised to not 'cum-in -her'. But to be on the safe side, fuck me in the arse.

I didn't have the heart to tell her, I had! had the snip.
 
#12
i met a young rather fit lookin gwar whilst in phase 2(yea i know fit looking and gwar dont go hand in hand) anyways, met her in a nightclub 20mins after first meeting her i was balls deep! result i thourght to myself (i was 18 and like a tom cat with 16 cocks) after that night never thoughrt about her again, that was untill i was out with the lads and who should be there? yip her! well she was all over me like a rash and procedded to tell me (in front of the lads) that she loved me and had found a house for us to buy. needless to say i was out of there like a shot
 
#13
During Op Fresco seeing a lass who was happy to buy drinks & meals, provide taxis back & forth to Bks when needed,

Now Med Hat and there bunny boilers...
 
#14
I went to a village type disco near Cambridge back in the eighties, I was invited by a local girl who by my standards was a beauty. She said bring some mates so two other lads came with me. It was a really good night and the said young lady decided she could wait no longer and I found myself looking for a suitable place. In the end I grabbed my mates car keys. Unfortunately I lost the fuckers between the hall and the car after about ten minutes the girl gets the hump and goes back inside. She grasses me up and both my mates come out to help look for the keys. About an hour later they were found so back to it I thought but no, she fucked me off, but the shagged both of my mates in the car. It was a quiet trip back to Oakington Bks.
 
C

cloudbuster

Guest
#15
I dated a dorris for three weeks, I knew her number was up after two and a half weeks when we went out with my sister and her husband! She & the bro in law went for a smoke at which point she declared her love with me to him & did the same in the toilets to my sister.

She didn't quite understand the marching order she'd been given and thus continued to pursue me... So as I was moving house I changed my mobile number at the same time and like a wallet on the pavement in Liverpool she vanished ... Or so I thought!!

Cut to 12 months later & despite having never been to my new house she was waiting for me when I got home one day. She turned up to my work & managed to con some idiot into giving her my new mobile number. Finally she claimed her 1 month old kid was mine.

She was completely crackers and a Shiite shag... So not worth the hassle!!
Sounds like Chubb.
 
#16
There was the one chap who I was seriously considering dragging him straight back to my flat after he had spent the entire evening being textbook perfect, until - on the walk home he pressed me against a wall and whispered "I want you to lick my eyeball". Balls, yes... Eyeball, no...

and then there was the bloke I kicked out of my flat for crying because he was "so happy" - the added cringe factor being his more than womanly curves as his dimpled bottom wobbled to the bathroom so he could dry his fecking eyes. Poor lad barely had time to put his bicycle clips on before I shut the door.
 
#17
All women are psychos. Especially the repressed catholic ones. I dumped my custard in one in the eighties and whilst I slept in her bed the next morning after a night of depraved sex she locked me in her flat, took the phone, turned the electricity off and then went to work. I was 20 and very scared. When she got home she cried uncontrollably and begged me not to go. This fast became a 'you're just like the rest' style rant, and just as I made my escape through the armoured door, a huge ashtray hit me in the eye and nearly fucking floored me.

Mediterranean girls are totally fucking wild. I had a black eye for ages. It was a small price to pay. She was much older than me and unbelievably beautiful too...
 
#18
There was the one chap who I was seriously considering dragging him straight back to my flat after he had spent the entire evening being textbook perfect, until - on the walk home he pressed me against a wall and whispered "I want you to lick my eyeball". Balls, yes... Eyeball, no...
Bugger, did I say "eyeball"? I meant "Japs eye". Shit, shit, shit.....
 

TheresaMay

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
#19
Oh the nutcases... I think Tremaine was right - it'd probably be easier to list the ones that weren't a little nutty.

I'd been chatting to a lass I'd met in Leominster one weekend at a mate's stag (was stationed in NI at the time), and we'd kept in touch for the inevitable shag once I'd packed by bags and left 'Craggy Island' for good. So I stops off on the way down to Berks and the first thing I notice is that she answers the door in all this sexy gear. Good drills I thought at the time. It felt really appropriate asking her for a cup of tea at this point.

Anyway, I'm immediately whisked upstairs in the mid-afternoon for a little parallel parking (so I thought). Anyway, I was a bit peeved at this point, cos I'd just driven from Liverpool following a shit night's kip on the Belfast-Liverpool overnighter ferry, and was feeling a little parched to say the least. No sooner was I about to ask if she minds me getting a drink, and she emerges the bathroom with handcuffs in one hand, and a bottle of something in the other.

Now picture Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers - but 'delete' Isla, and 'insert' Cathy Bates out of Misery. Well ok, she wasn't that bad - but lets just say that most of that sexy gear she had mostly removed by now, was serving a valient purpose by being on. So what the hell I thought? I decided to play along and it turned out to be quite a fun day. I was truly knackered by the time I reached my destination.

After humping most of my kit up two flights of stairs, and finally getting to lay down on my foam green mattress for the first time, my phone pings:

"Why haven't you called me? I've been worried sick in case you'd had an accident!"

Oh dear.

That was the start of things to come. Then came the "You're a user", "Is that all I am to you? A fucking shag!" texts. After two whole weeks of constant texts it had got to the mysteriously pregnant, followed by abortion stage (which all took place within the space of a whole two hours) - I finally got Vodafone to change my number after throwing my PAYG in the lake, for twenty five of my earth pounds.

After sending out my new number to all my mates (all two of them) and family, I get a text back from one of the lads from the stag along the lines of "You didn't shag that nutter in the end, did you?"

I played it cool...

Me: "Nutter - who are you talking about?"

Him: "Nicki, from Leominster - you met her in the pub remember?"

Me: "Fuck that mate - you'd have to be pretty desperate to drive all that way to hump some scrubber ffs"

Him: "You're telling me. Arnie nailed her a couple of weeks back - she hasn't stopped fucking ringing him since. Apparently she's got rid of his baby and all sorts. Proper nut job mate. Anyhow, enjoy the new job"

Me: "What a sad twat - cheers mate, take it easy"

...or words to that effect :)
 
#20
My ex was so insecure that we didn't watch porn together because "you're comparing the male to me, aren't you, admit it!", I wasn't allowed to touch myself whilst we were shagging as I was implying he was crap and couldn't satisfy me and lastly if I went to the loo within half an hour of him cumming in me, it was because "you can't stand my spunk in you, can you?!!"



Admittedly, he was right on all counts...
I may be missing something obvious here but why stay with the whining cunt? Also what type of grot gives you a wide on?
 

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