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Nursery Rhymes - A New Perspective

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Jimmy_Kranke, Jul 10, 2007.

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  1. Very funny article about nursery rhymes, today in The Times.
    Little Jack Horner gets my vote.

    [align=center]From The Times July 10, 2007

    By Martin Samuel

    Mummy, those nursery rhymes suck. I want new ones

    It has been discovered that 40 per cent of parents with young children cannot recite a single nursery rhyme. Educationists believe the language and simple structure have little relevance to modern times. Perhaps it is time for an update.

    The wise old owl lived in an oak,
    The more he heard, the less he spoke,
    The less he spoke, the more he heard:
    Subsequently, he was paid millions for his memoirs, not to mention serialisation rights and a tame interview with Fiona Bruce on BBC One.

    Polly put the kettle on,
    Polly put the kettle on,
    Polly put the kettle on:
    We’ll all have tea.
    Sukie take it off again,
    Sukie take it off again,
    Sukie take it off again:
    Because she’s getting very worried about their carbon footprint.

    Humpty Dumpty falls from favour

    For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
    For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
    For want of a horse the rider was lost.
    For want of a rider the battle was lost.
    For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
    But the accounts department and human resources all received huge bonuses at the end of the financial year, so you can’t have it all ways.

    Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
    The cow jumped over the moon.
    The little dog laughed to see such fun
    And the dish ran away with the spoon.
    Although the following morning, everyone vowed to give the disco biscuits a rest for a bit, because this latest batch from Holland was really strong.

    Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
    Eating his Christmas pie.
    He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
    And was immediately beaten to death by Gillian McKeith and her army of poo-sifting obesity fascists.

    Ladybird, Ladybird, fly away home,
    Your house is on fire and your children are gone;
    All except one, and that’s little Ann,
    Who is clearly a pyromaniac and a menace to society.

    Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,
    When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
    When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
    And, of course, I won’t be using that au pair service again, but I must say, Georgina, the girl’s references were impeccable.

    As I was going to St Ives, I met a man with seven wives.
    Each wife had seven sacks, each sack had seven cats,
    Each cat had seven kits. Kits, cats, sacks, wives –
    What a pity it’s a replacement bus service due to engineering work at Cambridge, because he’s going to struggle to get that lot on.

    Horsey horsey, don’t you stop, Just let your feet go clippety-clop,
    The tail goes swish and the wheels go round
    How they let this sport into the Olympics, God only knows.

    There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
    He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
    He brought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse
    And they all lived together, and celebrated his knighthood, awarded in the New Year’s Honours List.

    Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
    To get her poor dog a bone.
    But when she got there, the cupboard was bare
    So she sat down and watched a cooking programme on television, then bought a frozen pizza and stuck it in the microwave.

    Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
    And doesn’t know where to find them.
    Leave them alone and they’ll come home,
    Yeah right, because life’s just like that, isn’t it?

    Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
    To see a fine lady upon a white horse;
    With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,
    But don’t forget Madonna is also a serious artist and extremely concerned about the environment.

    Seesaw Margery Daw, Johnny shall have a new master.
    He shall earn but a penny a day
    Because he’s an illegal immigrant cockle picker with no rights.

    One, two, three, four, five,
    Once I caught a fish alive.
    Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
    Then I let it go again.
    Why did you let it go?
    Because it bit my finger so.
    Which finger did it bite?
    What are you, like the fish police or something?

    Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
    Eating her curds and whey.
    Along came a spider and sat down beside her –
    There’s an answer to this problem, love, and it’s called Raid.

    Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye,
    Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
    When the pie was opened the birds began to sing.
    I can’t get used to this bloody Aga, Nigel, I’ve had this pastry in for hours and it’s not even touched.

    Three men in a tub,
    And how do you think they got there?
    The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker,
    I mean, this place really has gone downhill since it became a Morrison’s.

    Eeny, meeny, miny, mo !!
    Right, that’s enough of that, pal, I’m afraid you’re going to have to leave the Big Brother House.
  2. Martim Samuel hasnt got the intelligence to come up with this. Remember him - he has a rapport with Servicemen !!
  3. Who wants to tell him? :D
  4. To save me trawling through 1000's of messages....pse explain?
  5. You missed:

    Diddle-Diddle my son John
    Went to bed with his trousers on
    One shoe off and one shoe on
    Pis**d as a F**t!
  6. Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town
    Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown
    Tapping at the window, rapping at the lock
    I have a strange compulsion to take my 4-year old on holiday to the Algarve.

    Ring-a-ring of roses
    A pocket full of posies
    Atishoo, atishoo
    Dammit, boy, I told you not to play with the anthrax.
  7. Mary had a little lamb

    Her Dad shot the ram.

    The next one is noduff, from a book that includes some very obscure, but genuine nursery rhymes.

    I fired an arrow in the air
    I know not how it fell or where
    But as I neared my journey's end
    I found it again, in the neck of a friend.
  8. There was a young lady called Maddy
    Who has an irresponsible Daddy
    Snatch from her bed
    She's probably dead
    Raped by a Portuguese baddy!
  9. Praetorian, I laughed, but I feel like I shouldn't have!
  10. For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
    For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
    For want of a horse the rider was lost.
    For want of a rider the battle was lost.
    For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
    Des Browne denied that the armed forces were short of essential equipment

    As I was going to St Ives, I met a man with seven wives
    On his way to the Benefits Office

    Seesaw Margery Daw, Johnny shall have a new master.
    He shall earn but a penny a day
    No prospect of Forces pay rises under the new Prime Minister, then...

  11. Oooooooooooooo your going straight to hell for that one 8O 8O :twisted:
  12. Ouch! That is close to the bone, but (if she was abducted) I feel the baddy is more likely to have been an ex-pat Brit pedophile.

    The Queen of Hearts made some tarts
    All on a summer's day.
    The Knave of hearts stole those tarts
    And they all drowned in the floods - it was a British summer.