Now I know what to get you all for Christmas..... hehehe

#1
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the
club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm
to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress...

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour
and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the m----- f----- barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist
school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't
it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
vasectomy.
 
#2
BBC that is brilliant and now doing the rounds at the office thank you so much that has made my day and cleared the handover
 
#3
BBC - thanks you just ruined my keboard with spurted tea :D

I am sat in my office crying at the moment

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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