Notice to the citizens of the USA

Discussion in 'Multinational HQ' started by Operator, Nov 11, 2004.

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  1. Haven't seen this for about 4yrs :lol: Should it be posted on :lol: :twisted:

    In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus
    to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
    resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
    Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
    Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
    unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
    for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
    will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
    noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
    up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
    wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
    words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing
    more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
    without skipping half the letters.
    You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee')
    and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
    You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
    correct pronunciation.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
    "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
    noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
    of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
    the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
    then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
    then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
    behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
    reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
    really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
    upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn
    how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no
    longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you
    must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of
    the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
    States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
    guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will
    not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
    cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but
    only after fully carrying out task 1.
    We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
    football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
    have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
    allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it
    would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of
    you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
    American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
    seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
    together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing
    baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for
    a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are
    aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
    Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
    "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
    collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
    give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
    outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never
    been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed
    to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
    more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you
    are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
    permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national
    holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
    good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road
    intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the
    left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
    immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
    metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
    not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of
    you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of
    a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
    properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
    The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and
    flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea
    made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for
    tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
    referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
    will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
    Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
    exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will
    be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
    This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
    Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will
    be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former
    USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
    Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get
    used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
    therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
    you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
    If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
    speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
    ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your cooperation.
  2. Is there no way we can just get them to declare civil war, using nuclear weapons?
    It wouldn't require much of a change to point 7.
    Go on.
  3. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Operator let us know what incoming fire you get so we can return fire
  4. Operator wrote:

    "Your new prime minister (the Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP...) will appoint a Minister for America."

    Lord Hoon's a-comin', boys! And he's bringing him a bunch o' them "diversity facilitators" and "gay/lesbian/transgendered conflict resolution counselors!"

    To arms!
  5. Oh youve stirred up a nest of sh*t flickers now. Were gonna be inundated with spams moaning about how they kicked our limey asses of the continent :lol:

    This will get it up them

    agent smtih
  6. woopert

    woopert LE Moderator

    We just need to remind them of history (OK, abstract concept to the average Spam who re-writes it at whim) that it took the trecherous French bastards to help them do it.
  7. So you are saying the only French military victory in history was over the British??? :lol: :lol: :lol:
  8. You've gone and done it now, you're going to hell for that one :wink:
  9. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    Burn the heretic!
  10. According to

  11. Far fewer than 2.35% of all SPAMS give a fcuk what you t0ssers think, so pi$$ off, *******! :twisted:

  12. I do have to agree on the comments about the english language. I have not seen english butchered so completely as down in the "southern states". Yes beer is not beer over here etc. But frankly until your country can figure out a dental plan and learn how to use it....stay on your side of the pond. 8O

    The Wytch :wink:
  13. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    I find the Cousins' misconception regarding our dental health rather curious. Pot/kettle etc...