NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (197, you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Afghan Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join any Infantry Battalion still intact after the 'peace dividend'. Due to the recent rundown of the Navy, and BA's inability to process our baggage, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer. Personnel with prior sand time may wish to note that vouchers for meals can still be redeemed. Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible: * Combat Jacket * Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim) * Tin helmet * Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers) * Gas mask * Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do) * Rifle * Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item) * Suntan oil If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank or something summery with a turret. (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last). If your unit has BOWMAN, please bring it, as we haven't. We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBÂ£1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose. There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch: * The Guns of Navarone * Kelly's Heroes * A Bridge to Far * The Longest Day * Apocalypse Now * The Matrix * Blazing Saddles * The Desert Song * Mary Poppins We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum. To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved. Yours faithfully, John 'Oh ****, not Health' Reid Secretary of State for Defence. With thanks to 'One in, All in'