Notice of Compulsary Enlistment.


Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the British/American Conflict with afghanistan.

You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion of the Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The Regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips to Kabul with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly advised to take advantage of this offer (Ryanair also do a nice little £39.99 one-way trip).

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years, it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

* Tins of Spam
* Combat trousers (preferably khaki but no disco camouflage)
* False moustaches
* Incontinence pads
* S10 or canary
* Map of the combat zone (O.S. 1:2800 leisure map of Helmand is suitable)
* Travel Scrabble (for long hours in barracks while Generals hit schools and hospitals with "smart" bombs
* Condoms
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to purchase a Tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We should like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War pension of £3.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you should hire videos of the following films and try to pick up as many tips as you can whilst you watch these films:

* The Guns of Navarone
* Blazing Saddles
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge Too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Mary Poppins

Yours faithfully

Adam Ingram MP
Minister of State for the Armed Forces.
Ministry of Defence

* A Bush-Blair Production

Sponsored by Mars The official snack of World War lll
You got one too!
Ask about returning the Chally if you fail at Chilwell as they are a bugger to park on the drive
May I suggest that you save some money by not purchasing a map of the combat area, any sheet of sandpaper will do nicely.
Seen this before when Afghanistan first kicked off...still funny though.


Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgium beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
DIET coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Not to mention...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.


That - obviously - is why Britain is Great. We are quite literally a nation of fools. Fabulous! Long may it continue.

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