Not how it should have played out

#1
So the girl that is living with me while my bloke is away came home this morning and informed me her Aunt was one of those shot by Mr Bird.

I had a number of options as to how to react.

1. Sympathy- "awww babe, you poor thing, come here" hugs ensue and i get to feel her boobies pressed on me, winner!!

2. Anger- "OMFG, thats awful, can't believe that mad man, bla, bla, bla..." hugs ensue and i get to feel her boobies pressed on me, winner!!

3. Disbelief- " What!!? Noooooo, I don't believe it, are you ok, I'll put the kettle on..." hugs ensue and i get to feel her boobies pressed on me, winner!!

But no, I am a muppet, instead I laughed and said "she can't be that much of an Aunt if you ave only just found out?" Turns out she is actually a second cousin who they call "Aunt", then she goes onto say that she is out of hospital now. "Oh she's not even dead then? Boring!"

Needless to say hugs do not ensue and i do not get to feel her boobies pressed on me, loser!!

Still I have the memory of barely dressed hangover cuddles in my bed that I can fall back on, this can be confirmed by an arrser who was on the phone to me during one of them when i giggled all bashfull like and and said "oh..you just touched my nipple"

Anyway she's in a strop with me, plans of getting her to "help with my fake tan" i feel aren't going ahead.

Clearly this is not how it should have played out.

Ladies and gentlemen, your dits please, on how something didn't quite go the way you wanted it to.
 
#2
jarrod248 said:
She'll be fibbing and after reduced rent.

I used to know a girl who could reduce her rent. She had warts up one side of her rent, and pox holes up the other side, she could button and unbutton it like a waistcoat.

I'm lying of course.
 
#3
Offer to play with her tits to make her feel better, she is obviously after sympathy.
 
#5
Make up sex silly girl, "I'm sorry" big hug, don't forget to take your bra off first and have good rub, and of course she is vulnerable what kind of sexual predator are you, add drink as a sorry gift you should be munching carpet before last light
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#6
Whilst she may not help with fake tan she'll probably be helpful for some intimate waxing!
 
#7
Dolly86, I'm a dab hand with a spay can and will be more than willing to help with you tan lines. However I take no responsibility if you end up with "Von H woz Ere" graffiti'ed on your arrse. :D



As for your live in companion, run her a nice deep and sensual bubble bath, light some candles, open some wine and let nature take it's course......... :D :D :D :D
 
#8
LordVonHarley said:
Dolly86, I'm a dab hand with a spay can and will be more than willing to help with you tan lines. However I take no responsibility if you end up with "Von H woz Ere" graffiti'ed on your arrse. :D



As for your live in companion, run her a nice deep and sensual bubble bath, light some candles, open some wine and let nature take it's course......... :D :D :D :D
Ooh er, that's taking it a bit far surely! 8O 8O 8O
 
#9
why not just ask her if you can play with her jubblies??
 
#10
fairmaidofperth said:
LordVonHarley said:
Dolly86, I'm a dab hand with a spay can and will be more than willing to help with you tan lines. However I take no responsibility if you end up with "Von H woz Ere" graffiti'ed on your arrse. :D



As for your live in companion, run her a nice deep and sensual bubble bath, light some candles, open some wine and let nature take it's course......... :D :D :D :D
Ooh er, that's taking it a bit far surely! 8O 8O 8O
Nah she might enjoy it :D
 
#11
So gonna share a dit then?

BB you know I can't just ask her, I mean for God sake this morning I had to explain to her what you meant by "flicking the bean" anyway, I don't want to lez her, I just get off on the the sly, seemingly innocent leches.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
#13
Back in the day (80s), young Joker was working in the West End in a restaurant, one of the waitresses, Ruth, was leaving so decided to throw a party at the house where most of the staff lived. During her time here, she had populated the garden pond with some goldfish. Now, around 2 in the morning, some of the staff thoughtit might be a good idea to throw Ruth in the pond. After doing so, one of the other chefs decided to get me as Ruth was a bit upset (plus I was in with a good chance too), so off I go, find here crying her eyes out, ask what the matter was, to be told that she'd landed on the goldfish in the pond and killed them. So being full of concern (and alcohol) replied "well, it's not as if you were going to take them with you" Cue my exit to leave minus the shag I thought I was up for :(
 
#16
D0lly86 said:
So gonna share a dit then?

BB you know I can't just ask her, I mean for God sake this morning I had to explain to her what you meant by "flicking the bean" anyway, I don't want to lez her, I just get off on the the sly, seemingly innocent leches.
Why the fuck not??
 
#18
At the risk of getting the thread back on topic.

I was shagging the workshop clerk at the time, good looking lass and good fun as well. She was married (her bloke wasn’t at that unit, he was in UK somewhere) so we had to keep it discreet. Now this suited me fine, as I had reasonably regular rumpy-pumpy on tap (well, in the downstairs flat) plus I got to go out with mates and large it up with no fear of any girlfriend comeback, regardless of what I got up to.
There were also rumours at the unit that our ASM was having a fling, these seemed supported when his wife threw a drink in his face one night in the bar and always had a face like a slapped arrse whenever I saw her after that.
Anyway, one Saturday morning following a fancy dress party, the theme for which had been St Trinians, I was in this clerk’s bed while she was in the shower washing my seed off her breasts. The doorbell went and as all my clothes from the previous night were of a saucy schoolgirl variety, I grabbed the only article of clothing handy, a pink fluffy dressing gown with her initials stitched into it. On arriving at the front door, I opened it without checking the spy hole and was confronted by the ASM. He was holding a bundle of files under one arm and holding a large bouquet of flowers in the other. He looked at me in a quizzical manner, not surprising really as I had also painted my toenails a shocking slutty red for the party the night before.

“Morning L/Cpl T49” he said.
I braced up as much as the fink fluffy dressing gown and red toenail varnish would allow
“Morning Sir”
“T49, is Cpl W******** about?”
“She’s in the shower Sir” I replied, still at parade rest.
“Oh” he replied. He looked at the flowers as though asking himself a question, then handed me the bundle of files “can you make sure she gets these?”
“Certainly Sir, leave it to me. I’ll make sure that’s not all she gets!” I played rugby with him, you see, so we could share a manly joke, despite my fluffy pink dressing gown and red tootsies.
He gave me a look that would have killed an Englishman, turned smartly on his heel and stormed off. I dumped the files on the sideboard, took off the dressing gown and joined my lover in the shower.

Fast-forward an hour or so and she has gone to make coffee. She reappeared less coffee but waving a handful of files at me
“Who left these here?” she demanded, her fine bosoms jiggling with indignation
“The ASM” I replied and she went a little pale.
A light dawned and I started laughing. She went spare and chucked me out of her flat.

To add insult to injury, I was in front of the CO a couple of weeks later, having bounced a cheque on the pay office. I knew the pay geezer fairly well, he wasn’t bothered about the cheque (IIRC it was only for 50 quid or so) and so I expected a good shouting at and a slap on the wrist.
As luck would have it, the OC wasn’t there and the ASM was standing in for him. With a slightly smug grin on his face he promptly threw the book at me, along with a couple of leaflets as well. So instead of a couple of rippers, I ended up with a weeks SUS for my troubles. The paymaster couldn’t believe the severity of the punishment I had got. I remember thinking at the time that it’s not quite how it should have played out.

Postscript, if I may? I spent the next two workshop functions desperately thinking of ways to bag his Missus.
 
#19
fairmaidofperth said:
LordVonHarley said:
Dolly86, I'm a dab hand with a spay can and will be more than willing to help with you tan lines. However I take no responsibility if you end up with "Von H woz Ere" graffiti'ed on your arrse. :D

As for your live in companion, run her a nice deep and sensual bubble bath, light some candles, open some wine and let nature take it's course......... :D :D :D :D
Ooh er, that's taking it a bit far surely! 8O 8O 8O
Dark Mahogany to much?

How about Slapper Orange?

 
#20
LordVonHarley said:
fairmaidofperth said:
LordVonHarley said:
Dolly86, I'm a dab hand with a spay can and will be more than willing to help with you tan lines. However I take no responsibility if you end up with "Von H woz Ere" graffiti'ed on your arrse. :D

As for your live in companion, run her a nice deep and sensual bubble bath, light some candles, open some wine and let nature take it's course......... :D :D :D :D
Ooh er, that's taking it a bit far surely! 8O 8O 8O
Dark Mahogany to much?

How about Slapper Orange?

Crayon somewhere else fucktard. Alternatively take some time to write a dit and post it.
 

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