Not 100% Serious Business Ideas

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Yokel, Jan 1, 2011.

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  1. Following on from: http://www.arrse.co.uk/naafi-bar/154322-actually-who-does-uk-owe-mega-billions-2.html#post3559587

    We need to sell more products and services overseas. Why not have some amusing ideas? Some starter ideas from me?

    1. Splash Testing Services

    Got embarassing or damaging documents that cause sleepless nights? No problem! Our highly trained operatives will deal with them using the most advanced methods. Just a drop in the ocean.

    2. Scale Recalibrations International

    Been trying to lose weight? Depressed as the scales don't show you what you want? No problem, we can fix it for you.
     
  2. I am concerned that cows are blamed for greenhouse gases and as such we are threatened we will have to fly less and be taxed more. This idea is still in development but i've been breeding the first methane free cows, first my experiments revealed that cows and vegetarians produced more methane than meat eaters and therefore if cows ate meat then they'd make less gas. The cows were fed on ground up sheeps brains for 6 months and were found to produce 97% less methane than the control group fed on grass. The sheeps brains have in recent years been seen as a waste product that nobody wanted but unfortunately I couldn't get them in sufficient quantity and had to add in some cow brains and spinal cords. The cows have been much happier on this new diet but a few stagger about as if drunk but they seem happy enough. I'm hoping under a govt. funded scheme that every household will adopt a cow and help the environment. I'm hoping for sponsors to back up the first exports to France in early 2012. For further information check out my website www.gasfreefriesiansaregoodfortheenvironment.co.uk and give just £2 a month.
     
  3. Come on, lads, it's obvious: Somali Pirate Cruises!

    For a reasonable fee, you can cruise up and down the coast of Somali in a Q Ship staffed by highly-trained ARRSEr's(Captain: Ancient Mariner). Food, drinks, weapons and unlimited ammo all included. At least one confirmed kill/trophy or half your money back!!
     
  4. I don't believe that no-one has mentioned 'Chav Hunting'.

    Take a few Snatch Landrovers that are useless in AFG. Hire out the top cover position and a GPMG. For every confirmed Chav killed a point is awarded. At the end of each month the highest scoring person gets their money back and a nice little trophy (or a medal, if you like!).

    Benefits are obvious. In addition to the money our company will earn we get:

    1. Less Chavs.
    2. Less drain on the NHS due to less Chavs.
    3. Less drain on Welfare bill due to less Chavs.
    4. Less drain on the Social Housing stock due to less Chavs.
    5. Less drain on the Policing budget due to less Chavs.

    Sure-fire winner!
     
  5. Like here

    "We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money back, including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included)"
     
  6. Can we call the trophy the Fricker award?
     
  7. An alternative would be Chav Hunting from horseback but with packs of GSD's or Rotties.
     
  8. Trans-sane

    Trans-sane LE Book Reviewer

    Plus think big for the mid to long term.

    6/ Greater demand for ammunition increases employment in ammunition factories (not a huge issue at the moment maybe but Herrick can't last forever)

    7/ Selling the TV rights for global broadcast would be a good little earner

    8/ TV coverage means good revenues from advertising

    9/ As a nation we have always been good at creating international sports. Export it world-wide with the stipulation that the first 3 events must be held in the UK. That way we would get the revenue from the first 3 international chav-culling championships AND our chav population would be culled at the expense of foreign competitors!

    This really has potential. Would you take the roll of Sepp Blatter in the ICCA (International Chav Culling Association)?
     
  9. Hmmm - the one group of people who still seem to have plenty of disposable income would seem to be City bankers, so looking at the Russian economy as a template -( lots of super rich biznessmen there too), the ideal enterprise for any ARRSE readers laid off by our marvellous SDSR would seem to be to stage a few high profile kidnappings and assassinations of wealthy financiers, and then sell back "personal security services" guarding the super rich and there families. It should ensure you a life of floating around the globe on private jets and yachts, and provided you ensured that it was you who created the perceived threat in the first place, should be perfectly safe unless anyone was so remiss as to decline to pay you handsomely for your services.
     
  10. Call it The Running Chav and get Arnie to host it; he's just finished his tour of duty as Governator of California and must be looking for another project...
     
  11. Could we start this in Croydon?
     
  12. I vote for Hastings.
    Useless bunch of mouth breathing,junk food swallowing,fake Burberry wearing,dole scrounging,Elizabeth Duke supporting, baby bearing,give me everything,work shy idle fat fucking fuckity fuckers.
     

  13. I second Hastings and will even give you my brothers address for getting things kicked off
     
  14. If he is in "Ore Village", I will need to go mob handed.
     
  15. Now about my Pork free pig business, they are pure hybrid and are muslimicious and trans fat free. Safe for muslims and jews to eat and the pork free bacon is to die for. I imagine people may want to know how I bred the pork out of the pigs, well I can't give too much away but they do look a bit like goats and the meat will not be called pork it'll be called Gork.
     
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