Nicknames & amusing names - all threads here please

Come on we�ve all got a few idiots within our regt/units etc but as anyone get any really good nicknames.
i mean like CAM NET
Pain in the arrse on exercise,
Useless in camp

8) 8) 8) 8)
GIMLET: A small boring tool
PANG: The sound that was made when the frying pan tw@tted the really ugly woman across the face
CRUSTATION: Thick skin and bowels in the head
PEN KNIFE: A useless tool which everyone carries
TA- the train spotters of the armed forces

grunts- cannon fodder! life skills-walk a long way with heavy kit and fire a gun.

crabs-up tidley up,home for tea and medals ie gits

fonk- friend of no c**t (ie me!)

RHA officer-real handjob arsewipe

tankie-Tub of lard in a can

petrol pigeons-army air corpse(not a mistake) look in the dictionary under, I wanted to be in the raf but im even shi**er than them.

The Guards(all of them)-toy soldiers,over educated inbred officers

HAT-helli borne assault troops!!!!!!?????

WRAC-weekly ration of army c**t, OH bring back the old days

army lawyer-failed civi lawyer

army doctor-failed civi doctor

slop-ration assasin

female soldier-failed civi female (also known as fat lesbian)
HEAD..... he looks like a subutio player, big head and a little body

sick note...... never at work always i'll

BIFF CHIT....... this girl is unbelievable, she is a total cluster and when pt comes she always produces a sick chit.

fruit bowl....... he walks with the worst bowl you've ever seen. obviously needs fruit in it
Just thinking lastnight about all the "chalky" Whites and "Nobby" Clerks etc Ive known over the years but then remebered some original nicknames and how they came about.

This bloke must be out now but was an apprentice in Harrogate in 80.

Came about during the last big exercise you did. All comms and combat. Go out and let the DS mess you around for 3 or 4 days.

Move into a location, get the comms in, waggons cammed up, bashers erected . Start settling in to be told it was sh*te and had to de cam and move on to a new location 20 feet away. As it got dark then "stand to" bit later the enemy attacked, defending with SLR's and blanks. DS came cr*p again so move another 20 feet this going on for two days or so. Also had the DS inspecting you every morning for clean weapon and mess tins. etc.

The hero of the tale knew all about the exercise plan and decided to do something about it.

1. No need to clean the gat if its never fired. As all the attacks are at night the DS wont see anything- Pop down to Woolworths buy the biggest loudest cap firing pistol avaiable, DS will hear bang, see flash and all Ok. Shiny clean gat on inspection.

2. Mess tins, had to be clean inside and out, not easy after cooking on hexy. Easy pop down to the co-op and buy 6 pot noodles. All you need is hot water. After eating bin the empty . Shiny mess tins for the inspection.

3. Hot water - no problem as the waggons have 240 volt ac . Need a heating device. Back down to Woolworths buy a single cup heating element . While there also buy a small reading lamp and plug and socket to make up a power lead for the basher. All forbidden of course.

Night of the exercise, deploy set up, bugger about, move , set up, stand too all going to plan. Move twice more. Gets dark.

Phase 1 make the power lead with flat twin, but no flat twin.

No problem, use D10. unspool some from the waggon. It's all in short lengths. The basher is 15m away . Our hero has a 7m and a 8m length. No crimping tool though. No worries remembering back to his Basic Signalling skills, you can join D10 with a knot. Sh*t no harry maskers, no problem offset the knots by 2 cm. Plug in , lay line to basher. Jump into maggot have a brew. Hide under maggot with lamp waiting for the next stand to with cap gun in one hand whilst studying miss April 1982 with the other.

Stand to, bells and whistles. Our hero jumps up . Can't see a bloody thing as its pitch black outside and he's lost all his night vision. No worry he uses the D10 as a guide line. What he does'nt know is that the DS are in the back of his waggon. He stumbles along for 6.95 m then his clammy wet 5cm hand crosses the 240V Ac join in the cable. He gets the first belt of 240 , starts screaming ,thrashing around on the floor firing his cap gun . Inside the waggon the lights flicker and dim then the ELCB trips.
The DS heard all the noise but now it has stopped, just a low moaning can be heard. But the DS dont like being in the dark do they !. Reset the ELCB -power back on. Outside hero boy is still clutching the D10 in one hand and his cap gun in the other. Second belt of 240v and the screams and rapid firing start again. DS get out of waggon to see AT Hodge writhing on the groung firing has cap gun as his muscles spasam.
DS collaps in heap laughing as ELCB trips again, Hodge is taken to Ripon casualty and for him the exercise is over. From then on the story of
" 50 hurts (HZ) Hodge" is used as a warning to all the AT's not to be smart exercise.
As 2i/c Guard for a Welsh regiment I was sorting out the stags, half the Guard were called Jones - one of whom I knew was Jones 125 - so I stuck his name and last 3 down, but he pipes up that his last 3 is not really 125. He explained that he was on a 125 Inter City train and it did not stop at the station he wanted to get of at - so out went the kit bag and he followed !! Luckily he only broke half the bones in his body and the head injury missed his brain by 5'9".
Hence the new last 3 and the nick name - Jones 125 :D


There was a guy at 30 Sigs known only as MPH.

This wasn't because he was nippy on his BFT or that he'd spent a lot of time in Musgrave Park Hospital.

Every six weeks, he'd go to the barbers down town and come back with what could only be described as a Mental Patient Haircut.


Sort of like Rowan Atkinson in Blackadder 1, but watched on a NAAFI telly.

It looked like it had been cut by a guy using a garden strimmer, whilst bouncing up and down on a space hopper, wearing boxing gloves.

Stick a beret on the fcuker for a couple of hours and it looked like he'd escaped from Rampton.
We had one we all called HESH, on account of his ability to continually fire HESH off the SABOT scale.

Another lad was called E.D.Y. His name was Kennedy and one morning, whilst on parade, the SSM called to him "Kennedy, what's your last 3?" "E.D.Y." came the reply. It just sort of stuck after that.

Met a bloke in 1 RHF called 'Ticket' McCann. I always thought he got his name through his ability to get 'tickets' for any event. Apparantly he was the unit punch bag (Having your 'Ticket' punched is Glaswegian for getting filled in).

Met another called Rat Boy. If you saw him, you'd know why.
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