Nice to see you again!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by error_unknown, Mar 24, 2005.

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  1. I was recently chatting with a neighbour who is, like me, both Welsh and the owner of an English Bull Terrier. He was describing a tricky situation that he'd been in recently when he noticed that his Bull Terrier was acting strangely; apparently attempting to bite it's own tail off. My neighbour took a closer look and, to his horror, saw that something pink and floppy was hanging out of the dog's arrsehole. Immediately worried that the dog was having a prolapse, or something similar, and that if it did manage to coil itself round enough it might actually succeed in eating it's own alimentary canal from the back end onwards, he reached for the phone to call the vet. But there was something odd about the pink flappy thing hanging out of the mutt, so he took a closer look and was relieved to see that it appeared actually to be a piece of fabric. Being a practical man, he decided now was the time to get the marigolds on, grab the dog and attempt his own veterinary intervention.

    Having suitably pre-medded the dog with a chewy bone, he caught it by the collar with his left hand while taking a hold of the pink flappy bit with his right. He gave the 'thing' an exploratory tug and was pleased to note that a. it seemed to move a little and b. the dog didn't seem to mind (as Bill Sykes found out in 'Oliver!' you don't want to p1ss these fückers off too much). Confidence rising, he gave the object a good tug and out it came, the canine anus snapping shut with a satisfying clang.

    The mystery object turned out to be a thin strip of shite-caked material about eight inches long and, at first, my neighbour couldn't imagine what the fück he was dealing with. After picking away some of the mutt-mud however, a grim realisation came over him: it was his girlfriend's £40 Janet Reger G-String which the hound had clearly snaffled off his bed a couple of days before and troughed at it's leisure, whilst he'd been giving the GF the good news. She hadn't been able to find it in the morning and they'd decided it must have got tangled in the sheets, or her clothes, or somewhere like that.

    Anyway, he picked off the big bits and gave it a couple of whizzes through the washing machine but was forced to admit that it remained too discoloured to return, although apparently it had retained much of it's original shape.

    Which brings me to the topic of this post. What unusual items have Arrsers recognised again after they've made the long voyage through their digestive tract? Peanuts, cashews and sweetcorn don't count: we've all seen it. I'm thinking more like the Mutton Bangalore Phall I once had in York which passed through me in an hour or so, apparently completely untouched by my digestion.

    Any top turd content stories out there?
  2. A yellow wax crayon swallowed as a bet.

    Top Post CP :D :D :D :D
  3. Have to admit it was glass. Been haveing a few with the new Iti Caribinaries in Bosnia. Got V. Pissed and decided to chew on a glass. Was 'sober' enough to chew it small. The Itis were up in arms shouting (heas a fukking deada man) and such.

    On waking next day , not too sure what to say or do, so called my sister, a Nursing Sister. Asking her what should aI do as it appears I ate a glass last night....

    Turns out I was on a speaker phone and a few nurses heard me.

    My sister told me to wait out and it will pass but explained to the younger nurses it was all OK as ' My brother is in the Army'.

    Very good as on R&R met up with said nurses wanting to see the glass eating squaddy.
  4. Catch Shigella dysentry, your shiit will be a watery, luminous green discharge for about 3-4 days at a frequency of about every 30 minutes.

    You don't eat and can only drink small amounts of water and a drip is mandatory to stop dehydration.

    After that the feel of a solid stool is bliss :eek:
  5. As soon as I pulled myself out of the gutter after going skint a few years ago I treated my self to a Breitling watch.

    I had to have a link added due to having Herculean wrists... so couldn't wear new timepiece until the new link arrived.

    When it did I was arsing around trying to add said link myself when a wave of bad temper hit me after jabbing my thumb with a screw driver.

    The link flew of the Kitchen side and straight into the Chicken dinner the Retriever was scoffing... the fat bast@rd wolfed it down link and all.

    What do I do.... my initial instinct was to cut the dog open and carve the lump of strap out, but then I realised I am a soft shite when it comes to sherlock and there was no way that would happen.

    Instead I went to the shop and bought about twenty Dairy milk bars force fed him them and sat in wait.... and wait.... and wait....

    I waded through about fifteen Mr Whippys over the next 48 hours, nothing...

    I was gutted at the thought of waiting another six weeks and in a sulk went to tidy up the kitchen and give it a degunge (I do this when sulking)

    As I mopped the floor under the radiator was a sparkley thing winking at me, there was the missing link.... He hadn't scoffed it at all.

    I was relieved but then the realisation that I had been routing through the most minging eartha kitt ever to be splashed took the splendour off the wearing of my new watch

    The dog still looks at me expectedly after curling one down, expecting me to go rummaging boxhead style :D
  6. At least his wife didn't find it. The dog was doing him a favour.

    to the store? 8O :lol:
  7. No, the girlfriend. The mean bastard didn't fancy putting his hand in his pocket to fork out for another item of microscopic lingerie :roll:
  8. Contracted BAD case of Salmonella from local Indian Restaurant about 4/5 years ago. Bedridden for a month - never realised that shite could be so many different and really VIVID colours.

    If I hadn't been so bloody ill I might have found it interesting.

  9. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    Had a similar situation in Jakarta many years ago and spent 48 hours with my chin in the hotel sink and my ring suspended over the throne spewing body temperature tea down the plumbing.

    The real bummer was having to get off the throne every 10 minuted to let the spousal unit have her turn as she had also had the same lunch.

    4 orifices + 1 bog = bad maths
  10. Why did you swallow a £40 Janet Reger G-String MIB ?
  11. i wonder what caused them to grow so large some type of manual exercise perhpse