News just in! Neo Con release a new family board game

It’s time to announce the arrival of a new board game for all the family - from Neo Con.


Let’s set the scene before we roll the dice and get started…

The world’s good politicians have found it necessary to whip up blood lust against an armed man with a scary beard who has replaced the former Soviet Union as the biggest threat to the West and its people. Your role is to track down Beardy, who is in charge of a hotch-potch assortment of villains, armed with dangerous weapons. They’re jolly annoyed and may hide out in caves from time to time, getting more and more angry as you try to smoke them out. The battle’s on and the future of the free world is in your hands…

The characters:

Whoever’s been naughty plays Beardy and his chums (usually the kids) whilst Mom And Dad play George and Tony, or the forces for good.


Board with playing area, one dice, two boxes of pawns, bag of counters, bottomless bag of money, two field marshal helmets, four plastic beards.


Square One: The harsh words. Mom and Dad accuse Beardy and his terrrrrst chums (fill in kids’ names) of involvement in outrages and bombings – but give them a threatening, compelling and mystical aura. The more menacing they make them, the more points up for grabs for Mom and Dad. For extended gameplay, make sure the enemy constantly evades capture, just staying out of reach of the forces for good. Roll high numbers for the best results – a SIX now means you qualify to call upon 63 nation states nobody’s ever heard of to support your ‘coalition of the willing’.

Square Two: The Media message. Spin the lifelike TV screen – sit back and watch as it plays dark, brooding music over fuzzy images of your enemy, the terrrrrsts. Press the correct buttons to manipulate the media, and watch as they associate the enemy with 9/11. Shuffle the pack as you exaggerate the real extent of the threat and - here’s the clever part – upturn a red herring card and you’ve duped the public – you’ve got your mandate – it’s time to go in!!

Square Three: The build up. WHOOPS! Mom’s playing George and she’s made a howler by pinning the blame on somebody who we all know had nothing to do with it - the strategy begins to wobble – but Dad’s playing Tony and tells Mom to butt out. He takes up the dice, rolling a 3 to ignore the UN; then a 4 to deceive Parliament – Dad’s saved the day and we’re well on the road to freedom!

Square Four: The Invasion. It’s time to open your plastic bag of pawns, and to equip and assemble your forces before invadingthe sovereign nation – Roll a 6 here for your pawns to occupy strategic oilfields. Roll a 1 and you’re lost in the desert - it’s a full-scale retreat to Square 2 – you got the message totally wrong. (At this point, the kids are allowed to scoff and laugh behind their plastic beards)

Square Five: Rebuilding. Take your pick from a vast assortment of honest-to-goodness US contractors, and make it worth their while to set about rebuilding. This is the time to reach for your bottomless bag of money, but pay them just enough to get Dick Cheney’s juices flowing, and to rebuild the infrastructure flattened and rendered useless during the invasion – use your pawns wisely to protect your charitable contractors. Take time periodically to return to Square Two to spin the TV screen broadcasting endless loops of heart-warming pictures for your audience back home – don’t forget to justify – press button 1 for ‘humanitarian reasons’, 2 for ‘we got rid of a dictator’ or 3 for‘we were threatened by weapons of mass destruction – capable of being released at 45 minutes notice’

Square Six: Taking the toll. This time, Dad’s in the crap. He’s got carried away with blood lust and reached for his bag of counters - but that’s a huge no-no. We only Use counters on the pawns that we lost! Now it’s a quick drop in on Square 2 to make sure there’s no dodgy images of our own lost pawns. We wouldn’t want the viewing public to get the wrong message. This may be a good point to put out the line that you'll stay as long as the people of this country need you, whilst ensuring the place
remains 'dangerous' – i.e. the best justification for your continuing occupation. (At this point, the kids can feel free to cower and cringe)

Square Seven: Getting the language right. Roll a six now to enter the word maze. Take time to analyse the words on offer and make clever attempts at pinning them on the right sort of enemy. The kids can get involved now and offer themselves up for naming. They could say things like ‘I wanna be a ‘forrrrrrn terrrrrrst’ from Syria’ or ‘Lemme be an ‘insurgent’’. Use Your skill and judgment to pin the right name on the appropriate threat – taking care to avoid ‘freedom fighter’ or ‘resistance member’ then it’s back to Square Two to check with the viewers - if your public is American, ‘Forrrrrn Terrrrrrrst’ gives a huge thumbs up and keeps them voting for war. ‘Insurgents’ is better-targetted at the more sophisticated, European viewer.

Square Eight: Get your government in. A crucial stage of the game is approaching. The first free and fair elections are to be held. The kids can now make your progress even more difficult by jumping all over the board and screaming ‘Death to the Infidel’. But you stick to the game plan and start to apply pressure in the correct places. Roll a 1 to make ballot sheets incomprehensible; roll a 2 to ban the electorate from driving to the polling booths, citing ‘security problems’ as the reason. Persist in the gamble and roll the dice again. It’s a SIX! You’re home free.

Square Nine: Consolidation time. Keep up the output of good news to your viewers, despite Dad’s problems with the dice – he landed briefly on the ‘NO WMD FOUND’ square and is struggling to convince the kids and the viewers its their interests he has at heart and not Mom’s. At this point, Mom prays to god that her elected representative doesn't turn his back on her. Remember Noriega? The embarrassment of it… the loss of face. If gameplay stalls and the action slows down, place the bulk of your pawns back in their box, out of view, but ready to start the next game.

Ask Mom to put the kettle on and take a well-earned break.

Back to Square One: The harsh words. Select your next oil-rich target. Carefully build the appropriate justification for your action with well-timed press releases on outrages, a suffering population, a steadily-building threat....
Maybe just a French person
Frenchperson, you have still to explain how a pacifist boat in Auckland harbour can add to the glorious lustre of French military victories, and why those responsible were subsequently decorated. Oh, sorry, I forgot, greenpeace can't shoot back! For a race of arrogant people you really don't have much to be arrogant about do you? As Eisenhower said when De Gaulle demanded the removal of all American troops from France, "What, even the dead ones?
OK OK...

You know, your reply has some wonderful ideas for a similar board game to the one that I told you about. Perhaps an imaginative person could come up with a similar game involving say, cheese eating, fine wines, monkeys, surrender, the Rainbow Warrior, the Statue of Liberty, the French Resistance... etc. Perhaps these ideas could get your creative juices flowing...

I'll lay down a challenge here and now for somebody to come up with their own board game as a contender to mine and perhaps we could eventually get the winner funded, patented and released to the waiting world.


War Hero
Hahaha fucking brilliant :lol:
"Vive La France"

Risk in reverse - you run away from the other players, whilst carrying out atomic tests, sinking Greenpeace ships and selling arms to dictators! :wink:
Nice copy'n pasting, frenchperson. You and Yannie should get to making the beast with two backs. The result would be quite some experiment.
sarnian said:
Nice copy'n pasting, frenchperson. You and Yannie should get to making the beast with two backs. The result would be quite some experiment.
I challenge you to tell me where I copy and pasted this from. The words actually came from between my own ears between about 10 and 11.30 yesterday evening. I admit that the original inspiration was a sketch called 'Scot Free' from the film Kentucky Fried Movie, where the game starts as the US president is assassinated and you as the players have to get off 'Scot Free' by bribing material witnesses, and ultimately shooting Jack Ruby.

The film comes highly recommended, particularly 'A Fistful Of Yen' the hilarious spoof on Enter The Dragon.

OK, the tone of the 'Scot Free' sketch was lifted and used, but nothing else - the wording is my own. Not all members of this forum are incapable of original thought,

As you were! :p
Even if thats the case, I'd still be interested to see the result of a yannie/frenchperson humpathon.

Good waste of ninety minutes, any case...
From between your ears, Non. From between the cheeks of your very large arrrrrrrse.

You are growing on me, hooped-shirt-wearing one, keep up the good work.
Camp Freddie said:
From between your ears, Non. From between the cheeks of your very large arrrrrrrse.

You are growing on me, hooped-shirt-wearing one, keep up the good work.

That's amazing. I AM wearing a hooped shirt this morning, but no moustache, beret, string of onions or pushbike. All the same, I'm impressed! <no irony here>
MrPVRd said:
"Vive La France"

Risk in reverse - you run away from the other players, whilst carrying out atomic tests, sinking Greenpeace ships and selling arms to dictators! :wink:
Don't forget shooting peaceful unarmed protestors in the côte d'ivoire whilst simultaneously slagging the spams off for shooting heavily-armed insurgents who were shooting at them!
frenchperson said:
Camp Freddie said:
From between your ears, Non. From between the cheeks of your very large arrrrrrrse.

You are growing on me, hooped-shirt-wearing one, keep up the good work.

That's amazing. I AM wearing a hooped shirt this morning, but no moustache, beret, string of onions or pushbike. All the same, I'm impressed! <no irony here>
No, no irony there, cos you're not French.

Surely the EU must have passed a regulation banning impersonating French people on pain of extradition to the Bastille?
How about monopoly French style (monpoli?) ?

Just like the English version with 2 x subtle differences:

1) French names for the streets etc. featuring famous french landmarks

2) All squares to be lined with trees to allow the advancing German Armies to march in the shade.

Dirty horrid continentals. I shit them.

frenchperson said:
Has anyone got any more ideas for a France/French based board game similar to the one at the start of this thread?
Yep, french Risk

Square 1. The opposing player (a none amphibian consuming person who has discovered deodorant) brings the box into the room.

Square 2. The opposing french player sees the box, starts to immediately cry to his next door neighbours for whom he has shown such contempt over the years to come and help him stop the nasty man opening the box, and then jumps into a large pre constructed concrete bunker facing the man with the box.

Square 3. The french player looks confused and hurt when the man with the box walks around the concrete bunker and knocks on the back door. He demands that frenchy plays with him.

Square 4. frenchy obliges by literally playing with him. He also offers his wife, his sister, his grandmother and his nieces. He makes the man with the box some pastry based foodstuffs and devotes himself to manufacturing wine for him. The man with the box has only actually opened one corner of the box so far, but it seems to be enough to make frenchy hide.

Square 5. frenchy asks the man with the box what the point in playing the game is? After all, he always wanted the man with the box to come and play and is very sorry about the last time when frenchy's rude neighbour interrupted and made the man with the box lose the game.

Square 6. Some of frenchy's french friends don't like the man with the box. They run into the next room, don raincoats and formulate how to steal the dice from the man with the box. They discover they can only do this by asking the next door neighbours.

Square 7. frenchy forms a new team that is on the same side as the man with the box. He starts to roll the dice against the minority of frenchy's that landed on square 6

Square 8. frenchy asks the man with the box if he likes the water. The man with the box says he does so frenchy gives him his entire collection of paper boats and offers to let him play with them on his pond.

Square 9. The next door neighbours who have met the people who landed on square 6 don't like the people who landed on square 8. They throw stones at the boats until they are all gone. frenchy cries.

Square 10. The man with the box realises that the next door neighbours may be a bit of a problem. Up to yet he has not even had to open the box. He realises that he may have to so he decides to try and make friends. The man with he box's bessa mate flies off to the neighbours to get all pally with them.

Square 11. The next door neighbours throw the man with the box's bessa mate in the cellar.

Square 12. The man with the box gets angry and actually opens the box. He throws all of the pieces at the next door neighbour

Square 13. The next door neighbour is angry at frenchy's allowance of the man with the box's temper tantrums and starts throwing the game pieces back.

Square 14. After realising that the next door neighbours aim is quite good, the man with the box leaves frenchy alone and goes back home.

Square 15. The next door neighbour isn't satisfied with this and follows the man with the box all the way home. The man with the box spits his dummy out, complains that he never had this problem when he tried to play with frenchy and is never seen playing again.

Square 16. frenchy swears blind that it was all the next door neighbours fault. He is adamant that it was the next door neighbour that threw the dice that made people land on squares 2 to 9 and that he actually wanted to play on his own all along.

Square 17. frenchy shaves the heads of his wife, his sister, his grandmother and his nieces just to prove his point.

Square 18. as soon as frenchy realises that the man with the box isn't coming back, frenchy tells his next door neighbour to leave. He blames him for everything and never makes his next door neighbour or any of his friends welcome again.

Square 19. The last square. To make sure that he never loses a game to the man with the box again, frenchy decides to recruit other game players to help him out next time. He discovers that none of his own players even know the rules. He recruits lots of his next door neighbours, mixed in with lots of the friends of the original man with the box. He promises not to tell anyone where they are as long as they keep the man with the box away.

There you go. The ultimate french board game

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