New Subbie Wind Ups

#1
We have some new subbies arriving soon.

Are there any "safe" stories anyone has experienced that can be published on this forum??

My particular favourite is Fireplanning - Gunners will get that! 8O
 
#3
There are quite a few classics such as:

-No more rooms left in the mess - so set up their beds in the attic/cellar.
-Get a SNCO to wear Lt Col's rank slides and conduct CO's interview.
-Escorting prisoners who escape (pretend prisoner should be the Regt X-Country Champion).
-Tell them that the Regt is on exercise, take them out at night and get them to dig in overlooking the CO's house etc. etc.

All reasonably safe, but then again, where's the fun in that ;)
 
#4
Trackedgopher,
I witnessed that one in Perham Down and the subbie was a fresh faced Welbexain girl who almost fainted! To add to comic effect the owner of said vehicle was coming out of the Guardroom carrying a TV which he promptly dropped in "shock". If I remember correctly she was marched in front of the CO and told she would have to see the Bde Comd. They let it run for a couple of days by which time she was a nervous wreck. Funnily enough she left the Army after just a few years, I don't think she ever fully recovered!
 
#5
As part of a wind up at a unit I was at the CO was required to don a lance jacks uniform and await the subbie in the QMs store,

However he enjoyed it so much he decided to stay there and has been there ever since.
 
#6
Gonzo said:
There are quite a few classics such as:
-Escorting prisoners who escape (pretend prisoner should be the Regt X-Country Champion).
Be warned, that one back-fired badly when the escaping prisoner despite being top runner was run down by the new subbie, who had run for the Academy etc. and caught him. The pretend prisoner, obviously a method actor, pretended to resist. New subbie also had colours for boxing and promptly broke prisoner's jaw...interviews without coffee for the ring-leaders et cetera and two years of regimental success in cross country and boxing for X Regiment RA.

Those who know the Gunners know which Field Regiment has the best x-country running record..so they will know the identity of all involved. Apparently the "prisoner" went back to Australia still quite unhappy...
 
#7
Simple one until I think of a better idea:

redirect the subbies phone so that the RSM picks up. After a couple of days of explaining that no, 2nd Lt RTFQ does not work there (especially when 2nd Lt RTFQ gives his mum the number so she can phone her little soldier at work) the RSM will come booming across the vehicle park: "Who the fcuk is this 2nd Lt RTFQ?" Cue a first, and very scary intro to the Razzman.
 
#8
From YOs 2 subbies went to germany. One was dropping the other off at their Regt before going to his. he was met by teh Adj who said MCM Div had had a last minute change of plan and in fact he was actually at the same regt.
So said subbie stayed at his "new" regt for about 4 days until the wind up was wound up. Of course by this point troop had been taken over, and a certain amount of Regt Pride was adopted (so much so he was slagging off his original unit)

Seems the Gunners are doing well on this thread. Where are the rest of you!
 
#9
First and quite tame. Happened to a mate of mine. Arrived at new unit and first doo was a reception at the CO's house. All in the mess informed him that it was fancy dress. Two other young subbies even went with him and got costumes too. On the night three of them go to the door with my mate leading. As he rings the bell they dive off to the side and recover their pre stashed mess rig. Mate spent the rest of the night dressed as a cave man surrounded by mess kitted folk.

Second... this may be an urban legend.... First mess dinner night CO arrives with what could only be described as a very young trophy wife (early 20's). Young subbie is sat on one side of her with CO on the other. She spends the whole dinner touching him up and filling him with drink. After dinner CO's "wife" drags young subbie into a quiet room and gets it on with him. Just as they are about to get down and dirty CO and 2i/c walk in........... Shouting swearing and much unpleasentness later subbie is sent to bed. Next morning he walks in to breakfast. CO is there after spending night in mess not wanting to go home with slut of a "wife". Enter young subbie.... Mess decends into silence.. Subbie sits down making eye contact with no one.. Atmosphere is allowed to continue for all of thirty seconds until someone bursts out laughing quickly followed by everyone else including CO. The mess had hired a stripper for the evening and got her to play the part of the CO's wife and come on to the guy.

Third. Young troopie arrives while troop is deployed on EX. Troop SSgt picks him up and takes him out to meet the lads. First det they arrive at has two siggies totally out the game with a couple of empty whisky bottles on the floor. Subbie is a wee bit upset and is about to throw a track but the staffie says.. "Sir, its ok they work better like that", Second det has some guys smoking "funny substance's", on to the third det and staffie says better knock first at this one... Troopie gives him a funny look and opens the door to be greeted by two soldiers naked from the waist down looking like they are about to get it on... Thing is poor bloke never twigged it was a wind up... He was a bit special..
 
#10
I reckon the best ones are where you get to see what someone's character's like...

Ahem, allegedly...Two new subbies arrive at same Regt. Their BC has done the normal rank slide swapping thing, and is doing the worst possible impression of an Offrs Mess Barman imaginable - based solely on an episode of Time Gentlemen Please he once fell asleep in front of.

Bar gradually fills up with people. Improptu party begins in honour of new arrivals. Pseudo barman does the normal polishing glasses thing, teatowel slung casually over shoulder, sliding pints down the bar to their recipients, but is operating on the "one for you, two for me" principle of beverage service. Unbeknown to the subbies, the vodka he seems to be decimating is actually just water.

They on the other hand, are getting genuinely drunk, and are finding the whole thing pretty funny until the ante is upped by the Barman-lite accusing the Adj - the real one, (all by prior arrangement, of course) of career fouling him massively by putting him in the Mess. For added authenticity the Mess Sgt then takes the Barman round the corner, and fake fills him in. Things quiet down again, and people begin to drift away from the bar, but soon enough harsh words are being exchanged between Barman and Adj, before the Barman leaps in a single bound across the bar, grabs the Adj by the throat and starts pounding his head against the floor.

Reactions? One subaltern yelps, drops his pint and bolts for the door, while the other stalwart fellow decides that no Mess he is a member of will countenance an OR filling in the CO's right hand man just for doing his job, so grabs the 'Barman' by the shirt collar, and chins him with a fearsome left, knocking him out cold.

Excuse of the subbie who ran for it? "I was getting a fire extinguisher...you know, to separate them, like...". I'd always thought that was dogs sh*gging on the lawn....
 
#11
This one is an Urban Legend but I have it on good authority. Goes like this:

New subbie on plane to Hannover. Bloke sat next to him gets chatting, claims to be a Major or similar at ARRC/1DIV/SHAPE etc.
During flight opens case and rummages around, ensuring the subbie gets a good look at all the files stamped TOP SECRET and ATOMIC TOP SECRET, etc etc. Apparently this bloke is carrying around plans for tactical nuclear weapon deployment or the such like.
Get to Hannover, Major X turns to subbie and asks him, that seeing that he is a fellow officer and cleared to secret, could he mind the case whilst he pops to the toilet.
After about an hour, subbie decides this bloke isn't coming back, his driver is badgering him, so he heads off to his new unit.
Good lad on arrival goes straight to the Adjt and briefs him and shows him the case.
Oh, says the adjt and pops out of the office. Returns 15 minutes later with some "RMP-SIB" officers.
"Apparently the owner of that case has been found dead at hannover airport arrivals in the toilet. looks like murder. come with us chief suspect"
cue helping of enquiries and questioning and as he is about to start blubbing or confess to the murder, in bursts the CO, Adjt etc with champagne. welcome to the regiment old boy!
cue much laughter I'm sure.
 
#12
19 Regt RA at Topcliffe - so some time ago (also home of RN basic flying training)

After about a week Adjt tells them to report for 'the usual acquaint flight around north Yorkshire' in the noisy single propellered aeroplane things the WAFUs use. Cue 2 x instructors wandering out the hanger. One appears to be tipsy after a 'good' lunch in the mess, and then sh*ts the YO right up by proving unable to fly straight and level (unplanned dives, loops and general apparant lack of skill, not sure how to land etc). Other instructor tuts, gives the YO a text book tour around N Yorks, even giving him a 'go', then has a 'heart attack'. "[Clutches chest melodramatically] Groan...You'll have to take it from here lad...[silence]" Apparently the chap did a half decent job of lining up on the runway before said pilot made a miraculous recovery... Beautiful

3 months later, next YO heard telling girlfriend on phone that he thinks he has got away with it.. Cue RSM before lunch a couple of days later to tell YO that he will be taking YO around the pubs of Thirsk that afternoon to show him "the pubs you will have to empty with the ROS when you are Orderley Officer (obviously...)" Pint and a chaser in each of 6 pubs throughout the afternoon (nice touch with the chaser RSM - an officer wouldn't have thought of that...). For some reason RSM and YO quite peckish by 1800 so RSM buys him full fish supper (with scrapings), then duty clutch back to mess - to be told that he had 10 mins to crack mess kit for a dinner night - and by the way he is Mr Vice etc. For some reason he had bladder problems during the meal and never did quite get the toast right.

Or you could join 7 RHA (as it was) whoes mess bullied a SSLC officer to madness (not least by strapping him to a gun and shoving a rose etc) - then sit back and wait 5 years until the little sod is sane enough to sue - the individual officers not the MoD. They got off, just. Lucky as one of the officers has just finished being a Bde Comd...
 

Captain_Crusty

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#13
wooger said:
From YOs 2 subbies went to germany. One was dropping the other off at their Regt before going to his. he was met by teh Adj who said MCM Div had had a last minute change of plan and in fact he was actually at the same regt.
So said subbie stayed at his "new" regt for about 4 days until the wind up was wound up. Of course by this point troop had been taken over, and a certain amount of Regt Pride was adopted (so much so he was slagging off his original unit)
Even better was the fact that his real regiment had ball buttons that had to be cut off and replaced with flats....
 
#15
A Red arrse arrives in Gib in '85. Collected in a Landrover by a 'L/Cpl (the Ops Offr) & scuffy Private Soldier (Me). On way back to camp told he could call us by our first names. Then stopped by 'Red Caps' on the Lathbury Barracks Road. Driver's door was opened, out fell driver and lots of cans of beer. I should add at this stage that the veh was SWB/FFR and that the Subbie was crammed into the back with all his luggage on top of him. Driver L/Cpl and I were then 'nicked' - this backfired slightly as the Provost Cpl double quick marched us up that fcuking hill with far too many stops for marking time. It was August. It was hot: and the Provost adapted to his role of method actor with surprising ease and relish! We were then jailed. A dinner night that night evening needed the two 'Mess Staff' locked in jail. He identified us by our first names and got rifted for over familiararity. Dinner was a disaster, we 'waited on' and slopped gravy all over the place and stitched him up with drink, everyone else had a different ID. Very pretty wife sat next to victim and felt him up under the table and generally flirted. At end of evening as he was about to make a drunken pounce, lots of shouting: enter the QM saying 'Where's my fcuking Wife?'. Pretty Wife: 'Oh no, its my husband'. Boy goes pale and starts to blub. He's then put in 'Mess Arrest' and so it went on for about three days.
 
#16
New Grubby arrives in NI in early '80s. 'L/Cpl' sent to pick him up in covert veh from Aldergrove. Boy given a bright yellow wig to wear as disguise, and a map and told to map read as he was as an Officer automatically the vehicle commander! After a confusing route to a place he'd not got an igloo about, a Lynx lands in front of the veh and out jumps lots of highly armed goons wearing balaclavas, who surround the veh whilst the two occupants are dragged screaming from the car and laid face down in puddles. Up drives a nasty looking piece of work (OC COP platoon), and tells the lad that he's just ruined months of planning for a 'Special Forces Op' designed to arrest and kill a known villain! It's all his fault as the map-reading veh commander! Lad looks glum and returns to Mess. Then the usual follows: Padre is the CO & vice versa. Doctor is the A/Adjt who seems to keen to give him a medical etc etc.
 
#17
New boy arrives in Gib. Looks very nervous. Word had got back to the chappie factory that stitch ups abound. Nothing happens to him for a week or so........then he is asked to prepare some notes on Gibraltar, Gibraltarians, the Spanish and the defence of the Rock (Border was still closed at this stage). Then told that he's been asked to do a 'live' spot on BFBS as a newcomer to the Rock. Down to the radio station he goes. He is interviewed by Andrew Winter who slowly gets him to extol the virtues of ethnic cleansing the place of all spics, set up GPMG SF positions in the High Street and doing a remake of Amritsar, calls into doubt the parentage of all Gibbos, critises the RAF, questions the experience of the CO, liklihood of Spanish invasion and our unpreparedness for it and a host of other very cleverly worded hilarious gaffs. Later that day, whilst taking tea on the mess patio and listening to BFBS on a radio (actually a tape recorder) the interview comes on! We all listen, amused at first, then react with ever increasing horror and one by one get up, pat him on the shoulder or call him a prat and escape. The mess phone rings - the Adjt requires Mr F's presence........
 
#18
theboss said:
Or you could join 7 RHA (as it was) whoes mess bullied a SSLC officer to madness (not least by strapping him to a gun and shoving a rose etc) - then sit back and wait 5 years until the little sod is sane enough to sue - the individual officers not the MoD. They got off, just. Lucky as one of the officers has just finished being a Bde Comd...
One of the other 'perpetrators' died of cancer not knowing he'd got away with it and the other is now running the British Olympic Bid!
 
#19
Having heard all the stories over the years and known a number of subbies who had been royally stitched up, I arrived with some trepidation at the Regiment.

The guardroom pointed out the officers mess over the road. I went there and it was all locked up and dark. Suspecting a trap, I circled it carefully a few times, tried all the doors etc - no luck. I was a tad suspicious by this stage.

Went back to the guardroom to ask for some help. They called the adjutant. A bloke turns up 30 mins later claiming to be the adjutant and saying I wasn't expected until the next day. He invited me back to his pad for dinner and to meet his wife while leaving instructions for somebody to open up the mess for me.

I was very suspicious by this point.

Dinner was fine although slightly spoiled by the fact that I was looking out for the catch.

Went back to the empty mess feeling decidedly nervous and tried to get some sleep. I was expecting the door to be flung open and be carted off to god knows where all through the night.

Breakfast on my own the next morning. Real eggs or laxative?

Nothing.

It turned out that two thirds of the Regiment were either in the Falklands or on leave after a tour there. The other Battery was away and there were about two men and the COs horses left.

I on the other hand was a nervous wreck.

An excellent, cheap and hassle free way to wind up the new subbie to the point of nervous breakdown.
 
#20
on arriving at my 1st unit, like BK (above) i was expecting the worst from the subbies of the mess. However, in true RLCHEESE form as I entered the bar, a couple of them shrugged, gave it "alright" grunted something about 1st parade the following morning and went back to watching telly.
Kind of set the tone for the future, sharing my life with a gang of social retards who so rarely left the wire it was unfathomable.

RLCHEESE - Be average
 

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